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Fighter!! Ratings

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By MrMlob @

With the playoffs only a week away, I am reminded of the constant nagging that surrounds me as I try to hide away in my room to watch basketball for eight hours at a time. My dedication to the NBA is often brought into question by non-NBA fans, or “haters”, which is a word I just came up with.

Here are some examples; Mom: “MrMlob, I thought you had an interview tonight at 6… what the hell do you think you are doing? It’s 5:45 and you don’t even have a shirt on…. I DON’T CARE IF THE KINGS ARE BEATING THE SLUMS, GET OUT OF HERE!”

G/F: “Hey jerk face, are you listening to me or are you listening to that stupid game? You should know that I’m moving in with your roommate and I accidentally wrecked your car and your puppy is dead.”

Random Old Guy watching the game at my house: “You see that there? That’s a travel, you can’t shuffle your feet like that. Oh that’s a foul, why don’t they ever call that? What are you doing with my medication? You’re not supposed to take that many…”

Blah blah, I couldn’t remember the rest.

That being said, I’d like you to stay out of my personal life. NBA sites make lists, bottom line. Thus, in order to make more relevant, I present the first in a hopefully long and increasingly mundane line of FIGHTER!! lists.

Today, I shall give FIGHTER!! ratings to the Western Conference teams, along with new nicknames for each!

San Antonio Boring Consummate ProfessionalsIf there was a team I had to pick that went to bed at 8PM, these guys would probably be it. I can’t actually remember a time when these guys weren’t playing at the top tier of the Western Conference. They’re kind of like that one cousin you have who always gets good grades, and he could kick your ass AND his girlfriend puts yours to shame. Just for the record, I don’t have a cousin like that and I’ll fight anybody.

FIGHTER!! Rating: Kinda like Ryu in Street Fighter II. I would never lose with him unless the control kept messing up.

Dallas Crowded I-35s Have you ever been to Dallas? People from there always talk about how great it is but their roads suck. That being said, they’re probably the only team besides the Spurs to have such good regular season record over the last 5 or so years. Nothing’s really come of it, so they’re ultimately weak. I will never truly believe in them, even if they won five championships in a row.

FIGHTER!! Rating: Kinda like the guy in this video ( who says that he is going to backhoe the tree to find the gold. Everyone knows leprechauns don’t bury gold. Anyways, the Mavs are chokers until I say otherwise.

Phoenix It’s a Hundred Degrees Here at Midnight Seriously, I lived there for a summer. It was a hundred degrees at midnight. They have no rainfall and they constantly pump water out of the ground, lowering the region’s water table, and the city is going to eventually start sinking. Steve Nash is way fun to watch. Plus he has a FIGHTER!! haircut.

FIGHTER!! Rating: Kinda like the Sacramento Kings of 2000-2002, good luck with that.

Los Angeles Finallies Some people refer to this team as the Clippers. What a lame name.

FIGHTER!! Rating: Kinda like John Cusack in High Fidelity. Got to hook up with Catherine-Zeta Jones, but he’s still all whiny and settles for that ugly blonde chick. What’s up with that? Throw it down big man, throw it down.

Denver Thug Lifestyles Did you know that one of their players just got shot while another player was in an underground DVD saying that snitches deserve to get shot? Talk about a conspiracy that I just made up. Basically this team is tough, but with no outside shooters and probably one of the top 10 most boring teams to watch.

FIGHTER!! Rating: 50 Cent – this is definitely the most ghetto team in Denver, now they just need eight other guys to get shot. Go shortie!

Memphis Floors The anti-epitome of FIGHTER!! They’re called the Floors because they get swept every year, just like my apartment. They don’t have one player not named Bobby Jackson who I enjoy watching.

FIGHTER!! Rating: Kinda like one of my roommates. I used to beat him up every Friday when I got home from school, until one day he fought back. That’s all I wanted was for him to fight back.

Sacramento Awesomes I realize I am a tad biased, but these guys are not very FIGHTER!! There will be a time in the near future when Ron-Ron decides to eat Mike Bibby, and a lot less Kings merchandise will be sold. Then the Kings will be way more FIGHTER!!

FIGHTER!! Rating: Kinda like the one time the NBA used Christina Aguilera’s song “Fighter” during the NBA playoffs. Those videos were not only hot, but set an unreachable bar for NBA theme songs, which has never been reached since.

Los Angeles LOL’s Sometimes when I go up to the gym, I pretend I’m Kobe Bryant and take a shot every time I touch the ball. Sometimes I pretend I’m Smush Parker, and I just walk around saying “Game over, Flip, Flip, Flip”, because I think Smush listens to a lot of Lil’ Flip. Sometimes I pretend I’m Lamar Odom and I hide in the bathroom.

FIGHTER!! Rating: Kinda like using sayings like ROFL or LOL, or ROFLMAO, or MLOB. They’re so 90s.

New Orleans/Houston/Minnesota/Golden State/Portland/Seattle/Utah Sorry, these teams aren’t going to the playoffs and don’t warrant discussion.

FIGHTER!! Rating: I don’t know if you know what an integral domain is, but you use one all the time. That being said, these guys all add up to zero. Look it up.

Not coming soon: The Eastern Conference FIGHTER!! ratings. “Quite Frankly”, no teams except the DEE-TROIT Pistons are going ANYWHERE. PERIOD. THE BOTTOM LINE IS AT THE END OF THE DAY QUITE FRANKLY THAT’S ALL YOU NEED.


Tue 04/11/06, 3:35 am EST

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