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Cubs Fans: Tortured? Egomaniacal? A Combination?

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by user Coreyisarealboy

I would like to officially state that Chicago Cubs fans are the most eccentric and enigmatic people on the face of the planet.

Sure, they haven't seen a World Series victory since the fall of the Roman Empire, their stadium is falling to pieces, and their ace's right arm is more prone to injuries than a 13-year-old boy's who just discovered his father's Playboys.

Now this scenario could no doubt send anyone clawing for a padded room, but Cub fans have reached far more profound maniacal heights.

Historical futility is no stranger to many of today's sports franchises. For example, my Milwaukee Brewers haven't ever won a World Series. Of course, they've only been a franchise for the last 37 years, which is a far cry from the 98 Cub fans have had to endure.

But still--ever...98 years...I think this one's a push. Just because I have only had to witness 37 years--minus the 80s--of crappy baseball doesn't make them any more tortured than I am.

(Yes, I know. I am discounting the 1957 World Series title the Milwaukee Braves won, but that's not the same franchise, just the same city. It'd be a bit like saying Cub fans should stop complaining because the White Sox won it last year.)

Even so, they still manage to display a sick desperation with their pride that only Cubs fans can.

For starters, let's look at the mega-super-ultra heated Cubs-Cardinals rivalry. (As a side note here, I'm using the word rivalry only as a nostalgic term. The Cubs are to the Cardinals as K-mart is to Wal-Mart. And that's just a comparison, I'm not implying everyone in St. Louis shops at Wal-Mart.) The Cardinals finished first in the NL Central last year; the Cubs in fourth. The Cardinals finished in first in 2004 as well; the Cubs in third. Best player in the game; batted Corey Patterson in the leadoff spot for four seasons. Rich baseball history; perennial underachievers.

The Cardinals had to sit through the strike; Cubs had to sit though a list of failed managers longer than the list of people fired from The Apprentice.

Point is this: stop all delusions of grandeur, Cubs fans. Your rivalry is with the Brewers. Get over yourselves. Hell, White Sox fans were happy to be rivals with us in the 90s. And they hadn't won a World Series in quite a while either.

Another thing I've noticed is that these people are so desperate to find one inkling of promise in countless seasons of wishing to be hung in the ivy that they will boast about a sweep even if the team in question finished ahead of the Cubs in the standings.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to bust out the "smartest kid with down-syndrome" line from Waiting... for this, but it's looking like I have no choice.

And lastly, this whole booing your own pitchers when they give up a solo home run in the second inning thing has got to stop. Carlos Lee hits a solo home run off of Carlos Zambrano and they immediately chime in with the booing. Are Cubs fans so accustomed to losing that they jump on a pitcher that soon? If this is the case, why does everyone still refer to the Cubs-Cardinals rivalry as a rivalry?

My advice to Cub fans everywhere is to take a look at years gone by and the dreams crushed. Some people call this sort of behavior being a fan. I call it being egotistical. I may have ragged on you a lot, but there's a lesson in all of this.

Don't expect a lot from a franchise that underachieves like this. Take a look at the Oakland Raiders for crying out loud. They've driven their fans completely insane. And if I start seeing blue shoulder pads with red spikes over a pinstriped jersey marked with the number 25 at Miller Park this summer, I'm bound to snap.


Mon 05/01/06, 8:47 pm EST

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