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Dear Chuck Knoblauch,
I’m glad to hear that you’re back. Maybe you didn’t know, but people were looking for you. The House Oversight Committee tried calling you a few times.
I don’t blame you for not answering your phone. I bet your caller ID said “House Oversight”. You probably thought there was a problem with your house. Maybe the man would say “There’s been an oversight. You don’t really have a house.” I wouldn’t answer either.
As much sense as that makes, I don’t think it’s the real reason you didn’t answer your phone. I think you didn’t answer because you weren’t home. I think you were away undergoing a medical procedure. Having a third ear removed perhaps?
Thanks to the interview your former New York Yankees teammate, Roger Clemens M.D., gave on 60 Minutes, everyone knows that steroid use causes you to grow a third ear. It’s science.
No wonder you had to disappear to have that taken care of. Everyone would have known for sure that you used steroids. By the way, if you’re thinking about earning some extra cash by pulling tractors with your teeth, that’s out too.
Anyway Chuck, glad to have you back. Try to relax. Maybe kick-back and take some time to peruse the Mitchell Report. And don’t worry about your secret, because it’s safe with me.