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Dear Shaun Alexander,
A lot of Seattle Seahawks fans think the writing is on the wall. They may be right.
It's too bad; you've done a lot for the team.
However, I have an idea that will help the Seahawks, and will allow you to be a key part of their season: Use the New York Giants 2007 blueprint for Super Bowl success.
Here are three simple things you can do to help the Seahawks win a championship:
1. Make like Tiki. You sort of look like Tiki Barber, so following his path to the television studio should be easy. As a rookie NFL analyst, you will need to establish your credibility by publicly questioning the leadership of the quarterback of your former team. Tell everyone that Matt Hasselbeck is all mouse-like in the huddle. (Wearing Mickey Mouse ears while talking about this may or may not help to illustrate your point.)
2. Special effects. Convince Mike Holmgren to look freezer burned in the NFC Championship game like Tom Coughlin did against Green Bay. I just hope the game isn't played in a dome, because people will start asking questions.
3. Alexander the Great. After the Seahawks win the Super Bowl without you, you will need to continue to play the Tiki role and take credit for the team's success. Just think, all of the glory, none of the falling down before you're tackled.
This is all, of course, assuming the Seahawks release you. Maybe they won't. Maybe you'll win the rushing title this year. Maybe you’ll score 25 touchdowns. And maybe I'm a ballerina.
You’ve had a great run, Shaun. You will be missed.
I dreamed it all up, but it's your secret, and it's safe with me.