In an announcement that only further widened the gaping chasm between the New York Yankees and humanity, the baseball team asked Congress Wednesday for $500 million in Federal bailout funds, according to the Associated Press.
"The Yankees have been hurt by the downturn like everyone else," said Mike Pecanty, one of the attorneys working for the Yankees on this case. "The US government should actively support this franchise's survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people."
Despite moving into a brand-new $1.5 billion ballpark, the Yankees have seen attendance numbers plummet this season, especially in high-priced corporate seating areas of New Yankee Stadium. Even with the bitter rival Boston Red Sox in town earlier this week, some sections of the stadium were virtually devoid of fans, and others were so empty they featured a cavernous echo effect reminiscent of Ted Stryker's inner monologue in the movie Airplane!. Many analysts blame the steep price tag on premium seats, which average $510 apiece and attempt to fetch as much as $2500.
Yet the Yankees maintain that their recent financial woes are not due to ticket pricing, nor to the $201 million they spent on three free agents this past offseason.
"Is this the fault of the government? I'd say yes," YES Network executive Eric Fleming said via conference call on Tuesday. "They have done everything possible to favor such nonessential industries as banking and auto manufacturing, sitting idly by while the New York Yankees - winners of 26 fucking World Championships, I might add - face financial ruin."
"How dare people say it's our own fault for overcharging on tickets, or signing aging, overrated free agents for exorbitant sums of money that make the Sultan of Brunei look fiscally conservative by comparison," Fleming continued. "We're the Yankees, people. This country owes us. For every non-Yankee baseball game the average fan enjoys, he depriving us of revenue - stealing from us, if you will. If the government thinks they can ignore our rights here, they'd better have a moderately competent defense prepared, or we'll just steamroll them with pure hubris."
Most other teams were merciless in their condemnation of the Yankees' demands. Fred Wilpon, owner of the New York Mets, blasted the crosstown team's actions: "I think it's pathetic to spend like they do and expect the taxpayers to bail them out when they fail economically," Wilpon said from his shiny new office at Citi Field. "Hearing this, I feel as angry and homicidal as I did when I finally realized I'd been taken by Bernie Madoff," he continued. "Well, almost."
Reactions from their rivals to the north were surprisingly muted, however, given the historical acrimony between the two clubs.
"The Yankees want a federal bailout? Huh. Well, good for them," Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia said when reporters told him about the Yankees' demands. He added: "To be honest, we're kind of over the whole Yankees thing anyway. Let us know if the Rays try to pull this kind of shit, though. They're the ones we're actually worried about."