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In the wake of a crazy NBA trade deadline some teams have been pushed to drastic measures. The Lakers, Suns and Mavs all made huge changes to their lineups to try and make a push for an ring. Even though they aren't in the Western Conference and have virtually no shot at making a play-off push, Isiah Thomas and the Knicks were not to be outdone. In constant struggle with their angry fan base and the brutal New York media, the Knicks, who are never ones to shy away from making bad personnel and financial decisions made a huge acquisition today when they signed film star Will Ferrell to a $20 million dollar a game contract.
We at the Blue Monkey Disco Party got the tape of the phone conversation that let to the signing. Here is how it all went down.
Isiah Thomas: (ringing ringing) Hello…
Will: "Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
Isiah: Nope not Wilt Chamberlain, you’re close though, it’s Isiah Thomas. You know, former Pistons great and current coach of the New York Knicks.
Will: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Isiah: Actually, we’ve kinda been in last place for, well for as long as I’ve been apart of the team.
Will: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Isiah: Well, it’s not like I’m doing it on purpose Will, I mean, I brought in a lot of players, it just seems like none of them play team basketball or are motivated. I mean they were all All-Star caliber players, albeit in 1999. Jesus, Will I’m doing the best I can over here.
Will: You sit on a throne of lies.
Isiah: No! I’m trying to get these guys in line. We are struggling Will, we need you’re help. I need to make a big move so that I can regain some credibility as an NBA coach.
Will: You're a fake.
Isiah: Now you're sounding like the New York media. Look Will, I saw your movie Semi Pro--OK I saw the trailer for your movie Semi-Pro and I think you’ve got some talent, I think that you would make a solid Knick shooting guard and trust me I should know, I brought in Steve Francis…
Will: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Isiah: I know, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know what’ going on anymore. Stephon won’t lay in his $10 shoes, Zach Randolph wants to play point guard and I don't even know where Renaldo Balkman came from. I think he just got on our bus one day and we gave him a uniform I CAN’T CONTROL THIS TEAM!
Will: What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league.
Isiah: I hear that a lot these days. Look, we need to salvage this season, we started out a putrid 15-37.
Will: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Isiah: We play like we don’t care and nobody on the team works hard anymore. We roll over and die anytime we're down more than 8 and we basically play basketball like the French Army fights.
Will: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Isiah: I know, I'm just remarking we play like a bunch of pansy assed babies. Just hold on for one second, let me get some guys on the phone to try ad convince you (puts Will on hold)
5 minutes go by…
Will: Where are you, Pepe Le Bitch?
2 more minutes go by
Isiah: Hey Will, I’m back. Sorry about the wait, I had to track someone down. Check it out, I got Eddy Curry on the line. He was down at IHOP destroying the all you can eat crepes special.
Will: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
Isiah: I’m sorry just hear me out, we really want you to be a Knick Will. Talk to Eddy, maybe he‘ll help you make your decision.
Will: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Eddy: Yo, Will what’s up man, sorry it took so long, but nothing is more important to me than eating. Nothing! When I go to IHOP for the all you can eat crepes, I mean, it’s on for real!
Will: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
Eddy: You know it. You won’t believe this, but I just at Nate Robinson’s weight in crepes.
Will: Oh, my god, I love those.
Eddy: Marbury left, he said I was an embarassment to the Knicks and an atrocity to professional sports players everywhere. EVEN soccer players.
Will: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
Eddy: I should probably be exercising instead of annihilating every restaurant in a five borough area or I’m gonna end up as bloated as my contract. But what else could I be doing?
Will: Trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time.
Eddy: Shit man, I could eat pancakes till I exploded. I could die eating pancakes and be the happiest man in the world.
Will: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Eddy: Me! Here’ talk to Zach Randolph for a second while I order my 5th Ruti-Tuti-Fresh and Fruity
Zach: Hello, is this Will Ferrell? Funniest guy on the planet?
Will: If you ain't first, you're last!
Zach: Damn man, I love your movies. You gotta lace up and play with us Will, we need you man. You gotta do it man. Don’t be the Mayor of Pussytown.
Will: I don't want to be the Mayor of Pussytown!
Zach: Good man. Look what are you doing tomorrow?
Will: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
Zach: Look, I’m throwing a little party tomorrow night at my place. If you get the time you should drop by. It’s gonna be off the hook.
Will: From dusk 'til dawn. You, sir, are a party animal!
Zach: Bring your throw down clothes ha ha, last time things got a little heated. I had to straighten some shit out with a guest of mine.
Will: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
Zach: Yeah, well that’s personal business so I’ll take care of that. Yo man sign the contract and come play with us dawg. We’re gonna win a championship here… (laughing in the background)
Zach: Uh oh, Curry is going into diabetic shock. Gotta run. Later Will. (hangs up)
Isiah: We need you Will. Come back to New York, come back to the Garden and we’ll make you an even bigger star. Think about it, pro basketball player, actor, comedian. We have big parades, Times Square, Broadway…
Will: Broadway! I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland!
Isiah: ...Fashion week…
Will: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.
Isiah: That’s the spirit. We want to bring home a championship to the Big Apple and we think with you as our shooting guard, we can do just that.
Will: You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy.
Isiah: I’m not crazy. Winning a championship is in the cards here, but we need your skills to do it.
Will: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary.
Isiah: We just need to go on a huge win streak and jump up a few spots in the playoff race. The East is wide open this year. We need some wins and quick! We need a winning streak!
Will: We’re going streaking!
Isiah: I’m tired of always reeking of failure and defeat.
Will: It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils.
Isiah: Are you READY! You ready for this you curly froed bastard!
Will: I’m a big hairy American winning machine!
Isiah: YOU ARE!
Will: My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
Isiah: Are you kidding? I played for Bobby Knight! But don’t worry, I’m not half as good a coach or half as crazy.I'm not like that either. Everything is gonna be great. Promise.
Will: We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...
Isiah: Join the Knicks and help us return to excellence Will.
Will: Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Isiah: That’s right buddy. Now I got a contract in my hand Will Ferrell. Are you gonna sign this baby!?!?
Will: I’d be happy to sign your baby.
Isiah: YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I’m so glad I was able to sign you, you’re really saving my ass man. Back to winning!
Will: You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!
Isiah: Yeah you can coach man fine. I don’t care, I saw the preview for your movie and it said you were a coach, so yeah I mean, you can’t be worse than me.
Will: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore.
Isiah: I know "winning" isn't even in the Knicks vocabulary anymore. It’s so bad Will (sniff) I can’t go anywhere anymore without people laughing at me or cursing at me and sometimes they even throw garbage at me
Will: They're just showing their appreciation.
Isiah: I just can’t seem to win, maybe I just suck as a coach. I don’t know what to do (breaks down crying)
Will: Don't get emotional...
Isiah: It’s so hard, I didn’t know it would be this hard
Will: When it's over...
Isiah: Sniff... I gotta say I love the enthusiasm .Will, we are now part a team that will bring a franchise back to prominence. We gotta hit the town and celebrate!
Will: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable.
Isiah: Excellent idea. Where at?
Will: How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?
Isiah: Will have you been drinking today?
Will: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said...”I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
Isiah: I can’t say that I blame you man, I mean, you just signed with the worst run team in professional sports. I’d be drinking too.
Will: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.
Isiah: Now you play for Isiah and the New York Knicks. Get used to it…