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Tony Romo got popped in the chin by Willie McGinest during Sunday's game against the Cleveland Browns. He needed thirteen stitches to close the gash and still Super-Humanly led his Dallas Cowboys to victory.
After the game he headed home from Irving. About midnight along the way between listening to mix tapes made by his ex-girlfriend and calling sports talk stations using aliases to talk about how awesome he is for dating Jessica Simpson, he saw a stranded motorist and decided he was having such a Super-Human day that he should help the poor, helpless people. It was also an opportunity to show off his stitches and brag to the strangers that he was dating Jessica Simpson
It was around midnight that Bill White and his wife, Sharon were returning from a trip out of town. Bill was avoiding the news on the radio as he TiVo’d the ‘Boys-Browns game and was anxious to watch it in full detail. Suddenly, in the middle of desolate, soulless Irving, Texas a tire on their sweet Mercury blew and needed repaired. 50-some-year old Bill pulled off the road into a moderately lit strip mall parking lot and got to fixin’. First his jack was malfunctioning. Then after getting the spare tire on, the air compressor running on an adaptor from the car’s cigarette lighter began to leak more air than it was pumping.
Just then, the dapper-dressed millionaire athlete hopped out of his heavily accessorized SUV and immediately turned on his charm. To them he was an angel, but they didn’t recognize him at first. For starters he wasn’t wearing his helmet and he didn’t have a baseball cap on backwards in the typical Romo high fashion. Plus he has 13 McGinest-enhanced stitches that roughened up his tender, pretty face. As he reached around his shoulder to don his cape, Romo asked them if they needed help.
Well, of course they did. A normal idiot could deduce they needed help. He might be a Superhero, but he’s still a Dallas Cowboy.
Thankful Sharon didn’t bother to get in the stranger’s way. But she couldn’t help but think the handsome fellow looked familiar. Romo decided that hanging up his phone and calling for a tow truck at his expense would have forced him to forfeit his place on hold as the next caller, so that wasn’t an option. He decided to take matters into his own magical hands.
After fumbling around (pun intended) with the air compressor, Romo saved the day by making it work properly just by winking at it.
Then Sharon put the mangled yet comely face with a name. She just had to ask him if he was who she thought he was…
“You’re Tony Romo, right?” she questioned.
He smiled and told her “Yes, ma’am. But by day I’m just an ordinary philanthropist working for Commissioner Gordon and a part-time reporter for the Daily Planet”
Bill immediately told Tony that he didn’t want to know what happened in that game because he erased the MTV Video Awards just so he could TiVo the game. Tony misunderstood what Bill said and told him anyway.
Romo drove away into the mist without giving them a secret porn tape of him and Jessica or even signing anything the Whites could sell on ebay. When the White’s got back in their car the battery was dead from all the juice being used by the crappy air compressor. Bill had to walk 4 miles to the nearest payphone to get a friend to come and give his badass Mercury a jump. On the way back to the car Bill found his wife the newly claimed property of a grizzled pimp.
But what a Story! Tony Romo is so extra-sugary special that we wish every star athlete could hug puppies and strip club bouncers instead of electrocuting and shooting them.
Ok, here’s the “real” story...
Look, maybe I’m a little biased towards the Eagles and I fully expect them to stomp on the Cowboys’ gonads on Monday but this Fame/Love affair the media has with Tony “Perhaps I should Win A Playoff Game Some Time In My Career” Romo and his girlfriend/Nick Lachey-John Mayer-sloppy seconds Jessica “Please, Please, Please Keep My 15 Minutes Of Fame Going” Simpson is nauseating…. it HAS to stop!!!
He’s a good QB at best - not a cultural Icon. That’s great if he’s a nice guy and “helps” people – although the story never really explains how he “helped” – I don’t care! He’s a football player, not Mother Theresa!!! And she was never anything special to begin with – a fake media creation – 100% studio magic and pictures telling 1,000 lies... I am really starting to get tired of my sports media outlets acting like paparazzi.
Bring Sports stories back to Sports Journalism!