All right, enough is enough. I've read and heard so many people (including that SJ-hypocycloid jerk) pontificating about steroids in baseball! What's the problem?
Athletes like Roger Clemens have given you fans all they have and what do you do? Complain. Why can't you be clean, Barry? You cheated Rafael. Well, I'm here to defend these Tricep Titans! These great men have poured their heart and soul into the sport of baseball and I'm here to celebrate them!
That's right! This will give you naysayers something to think about the next time you have a negative thought about these Sultans of Sinew. The Captains of Cheat. The Heroes of Heart Failure!
The list that follows should be read aloud to any child who is wondering how they can get the edge. On the court, on the field. Or in life. So join me fellow "true" baseball fans to celebrate these oft-maligned Deans of Denial.
I present to you - the All-Time All-Roid team!
- First Base : Mark McGwire, Mo Vaughn, Jason Giambi
- Second Base : Chuck Knoblauch, Jay Bell, Bret Boone, Fernando Vina
- Shortstop : Miguel Tejada
- Third Base : David Bell, Aaron Boone
- Infielders : Brian Roberts, David Segui, Hal Morris, Matt Franco
- Outfielders : Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Rondell White, Sammy Sosa, Brady Anderson, Glenallen Hill, Lenny Dykstra, David Justice
- Starting Pitchers : Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, Kevin Brown, Kent Mercker, Denny Neagle
- Relief Pitchers : Eric Gagne, Mike Stanton, Jason Grimsley, Ron Villone
- Catchers : Paul Lo Duca, Todd Hundley, Benito Santiago, Gregg Zaun, Todd Pratt
- Designated Hitter : Rafael Palmeiro
- Guy Who Sits At Home And Juices : Jose Canseco
So let it be known, oh Baron of the Banned Substance that some of us baseball fans are behind you 100 percent! You've rewritten the record books that were created by those wimps who didn't have the creativity to juice themselves!
And remember, those who bash you are just jealous of the potential health problems that await you. But never mind them! You've got the millions! And the fame! And for a time, through your deceptions, you had us fans!
Babe who? Roger what? That's right...
(This one's for you, Hank. I hold 755 in the highest regard. And don't worry - we know the truth!)