Last year the Seattle Seahawks suffered one of their worst seasons in franchise history, finishing 4-12 in Mike Holmgren’s final season as head coach. Not a lot went right. Injuries, Holmgren’s inexplicable fullback draws on 3rd and 13, and inept defensive play destroyed all hopes of a storybook finish.
But through the NFL Draft and crucial free agent signings, the comeback trail is on. Rebuilding is for pussies, and there is only one goal in the minds of coaches and players alike this year, and that is to win the Super Bowl.
Over the next several weeks we’ll take a fictional and comedic look into the 2009 Seattle Seahawks season, written as if I were writing for the AP (to which many spelling mistakes, factual and grammatical errors shall be made).
Will they do it? Or will disappointment reign supreme once more in the Emerald City? Let’s take a look into the fictional season of the 2009 Seattle Seahawks.
Disclaimer: Absolutely none of these quotes from players, coaches, managers, or anyone affiliated with the NFL is real unless otherwise noted.
Russell Unlikely Hero as Seahawks Win Season Opener
SSR Chronicle (9/13/09)
(Seattle) – Sometimes it is best to expect the unexpected. Having been criticized for several months for his remarkably poor play on the field, and errors that can be made into hilarious GIFs, Seattle safety Brian Russell silenced his critics with a day to remember. Russell picked off 13 Marc Bulger passes and scored 5 touchdowns in the Seahawks’ 55-10 romp over the hapless St. Louis Rams in front of a raucous crowd at Qwest Field.
It was not the dream debut as head coach that Steve Spagnuolo, who declined to comment to the media afterwards, was hoping for.
The very first play of the new season saw Marc Bulger throw a deep ball under pressure by rookie linebacker Aaron Curry, and Russell was there to take advantage of the gaffe. “Supergrit”, as his teammates and fans call him, zig-zagged past the entire Rams offense for a 44 yard touchdown.
“Well when I saw all of these St. Louis guys coming at me, I did what I’m used to doing, and that was, you know, running past the player I was supposed to tackle. Then my blindingly fast speed just carried me all the way.” – A joyous Russell proclaimed.
Seattle’s revamped offense did not even take the field until the midway point of the 1st quarter, as Russell intercepted two more passes for touchdowns.
The game was salted away towards halftime when Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck, just recovering from back surgery, fired a rocket of a pass towards TJ Houshmandzadeh for a 22 yard touchdown. It would be the only touchdown on the day for their biggest offseason signing, but he did catch 5 passes for 117 yards.
At that point, the 42-0 lead was insurmountable. Marc Bulger’s quarterback rating was 0.0, going 3-17 for 33 yards and 13 INTs. His backup, the newly signed Tee Martin, did not attempt a pass in the 2nd half, and was deeply confused when his "hot dog cart was shaped like a football".
Seahawks faithful were caught by surprise when new offensive coordinator Greg Knapp called for a successful double-reverse to Nate Burleson, who scrambled for 29 yards in the 2nd half. It was the first trick play that was worth anything since the Pre-Holmgren era. Knapp had earlier called 5 consecutive runs during a 2nd quarter drive, sure signs that there was a changing of the guard at the head coaching position.
“Well I’m just glad that I didn’t fumble this time around.” Julius Jones stated, who carried the ball just 7 times for 33 yards.
Stephen Jackson would get his mandatory touchdown early in the 4th, walking in from 7 yards out. Ironically, those were the only 7 yards he would get on the day. St. Louis was held to just 78 total yards of offense.
This game, as lopsided as it seemed, was not without controversy. Former Seahawks kicker Josh Brown successfully banged through a late field goal as time expired to make the score a much more respectable 55-10. He was treated to a chorus of boos and was carted off the field after Lofa Tatupu ferociously kicked his old teammate in his jawbreaker-sized balls. Brown is reportedly suffering from a bruised ego and is out for 2 months. Tatupu is awaiting any possible suspesnsions by commissioner Roger Goodell.
New Seahawks head coach Jim Mora was ecstatic in the post-game press conference.
“To get a win on my debut in my home state means so much to me. We’re a young and fresh and exciting team. I am confident that we’ll dominate the NFC West. The season may be new but the success is inevitable.”
When asked about the possibility of the playoffs, Mora said “PLAYOFFS?!!! PLAYOFFS?!!!! Talk about the Super Bowl man. Be realistic!”.
Security then took away Mora’s psychedelic mushrooms before finishing his conference.
Player of the Game : Brian Russell.
Offensive Player of the Game : Owen Schmitt. The fullback carried the ball 3 times for 11 yards and crushed 17 Rams helmets in the process.
Denver Watch : Good news for the Seahawks front office, as the Broncos fell to the Bengals 14-7 in Cincinnati. The Seahawks have Denver’s 1st round draft pick in 2010 and every loss is a step closer to Sam Bradford or Dez Bryant.
Childress Playcall of the Week: 3rd and 7 at the Browns 27, new Vikings QB Jeff George is split out wide to create a 5 wide receiver set, a direct snap to fullback Naufahu Tahi gains 2 yards. Childress claimed that these were babysteps towards full success in his new offense, the “Macho Grande Mass Destruction of Offense”.
Next Opponent : San Francisco 49ers. Jim Mora and Greg Knapp return to their coaching roots in San Francisco next week against the 49ers, coming off a 35-7 loss to Larry Fitzgerald.
Great start for the Seahawks so far. Will they build on that success on the road in the Bay Area? Tune in next time on The Turnaround Season.