Armchair Gm Burns 3/20/08

By: Nate Gordon

[Disclaimer: I did NOT spell or grammar check this because I did it in the last 20 minutes of work. Therefore I’m sorry in advance for any of those mistakes and I expect This Guy or This Guy to fix those mistakes. =)

The electricity and cable are back on in my apartment. The internet however, it’s still disconnected; and attempting to connect brings up an annoying “please pay your bill” webpage. Whatever. The only time I really want to spend on this situation is the time I spend answering questions posed from my last edition of the burns. In this edition we will also checkout a NEW marketing scheme, the madness of Spring Silliness and a shout out that is about 5 days too late. So let’s get to it:

I’m Tired Of Getting Sacked

Okay, so every damn time I go through an edition of “ArmchairGM Burns” without mentioning The ArmchairGM Linebacker I get sacked. Then I get punched in the mouth, dragged by my shorts to the riverbank, and dunked in dirty river water for 15 minutes. I’m pretty sure if I continue to ignore these forceful warnings I’m going to be found floating face down in Puget Sound. So instead of a quick mention, or even a witty quote from the man himself, I am dedicating an entire paragraph to this beast of cubicles. Over on they have a series of features asking “What Would Kimbo Do?”. In these clips they take everyday work conflicts and see how Kimbo Slice would deal with these problems. I believe this would be an effective way to handle issues and the new ArmchairGM offices opening in 2012. Just make sure to stop by my office when we open BigPPup, we’ll go to lunch.

Where Marketing Biters Happen

The infamous Manny Stiles has devised a new marketing scheme to bring more faithful devotees to the pews of ArmchairGM. So from the twisted minds of Beats By Man Productions/Madeyedias Entertainment 2008 in conjunction with MuTeCoRe Industries comes Where All Sports, All You Happens. Of course before this was developed by these twisted minds, it was poorly conceived by the folks at the National Basketball Association. Nonetheless, this series of promo clips are sure to rank amongst the best a stay at home dad has ever produced for a Sports Internet Wiki Website! It’s a fact. (We LOVE calling questionable statements “fact” don’t we Manny?)

Spring Silliness: Productivity Plummets

So the other reason besides my utilities being screwy for me not posting daily burns is Spring Silliness. Spring Silliness is that time of year where all you goofy office drones get together, fill out brackets on something your poorly educated on, pretend your very educated in your picks, and inevitability lose all your office pool money to the secretary. Now, remember that the office secretary is the least knowledgeable sports person in your office. Moreover she can’t tell the difference between Duke and Drake and has already told 3 co-workers that she doesn’t want to see Drake advance because the black Soccer players who were accused of raping the white dancer got off easy. Anyway, don’t let these frustrations piss you off. Instead, call in sick to work, fill out a bracket online and call your bets in directly to Vegas. That’s what I would do if I were you. But I’m not you, so I will be enjoying my bracket and winning. While you, well you will be asking the secretary for a hand job in the supply closet. Oh, and if she says no, then ask her for her Final Four picks, they’ll probably be better then yours.

The 3rd Degree: Reader Feedback

So I had lots of questions coming off of my last edition of the “Burns” so I figured I would answer some of those now:

  • Big Pup has a simple message for yours truly: ”Where am I? What the hell”

Well you got an entire paragraph this time around, so cram that up your Cramhole.

  • I won’t quote everything Tyrone said, but basically he defended Cougar as not being “Pure evil like Jay Mariotti”, which I must concede is true. However he did miss part of the point of this series when he disapproved of my ripping Cougar to shreds. Ripping Cougar as I did, well is part of my personality. I have an awful sharp tongue. Furthermore, I was defending he who had no defense in this context, Bobby Knight against a writer who had already had his way with him. I found Cougar’s writing to be quite irresponsible. Some agree with that viewpoint and some disagree. However, Tyrone, Cougar and everyone else had ample time and space to tell me where my burn was wrong. I got a couple of complaints for going hard, also for playing with the personal/professional line. However I only commented on information that Cougar has offered in his writing and I focused my burn on that information. So no harm, no foul, no one telling me I’m wrong, just that I’m harsh…. And I like harsh.
  • Anyway, Cornfed offered up a nice Owning of Cougar for me: ”Funny how it is "suddenly" sarcasm when more than one person calls you out on it. But yet in the context of the article it is hardly "sarcasm" or in your defense response to my comment to that article.”

Enough said from this corner.

  • Cougar rambles off with ignorance: “Oh and one more thing, LA... at least I try to make a difference in a child's life.”

I don’t need to go around telling everyone how much I’ve done for the children in my community, including making sure that 5 soccer players of mine enrolled in college after they graduated when they were unsure they would even graduate high school. I do work like this with kids every year, but I don’t go around telling people about it. I don’t have to, because I AM making a difference in children’s lives, not just telling people about it. Damn rent-a-teacher, get a teaching credential for goodness sake so that your at least qualified to teach our children the misconceptions that are Global Warming and how socialized government will make their lives perfect.

  • Tmil42 ask: “Why do you have candles in your apartment?”

Because like Tyrone said, chicks dig candles. Also, I guess they come in handy when you need to shower without lights.

  • NoodleDuece also has a candle question: “You sure told him LA. I don't think he will do it again. By the way, why didn't you tell what your candles smelled like...I know they are those fancy candles with lovely fragrances...:)”

We have several different fragrances of candles in the apartment. The one I was using while my power was out was a vanilla scent. When your doing those special things for your lady, they love vanilla or strawberry candles.

Cartoon Quotes

…Today, we predict what will happen in the 2000 election.

  • Robert 'Granddad' Freeman : Mr. Wuncler, I'm... sorry about the whole, you know, my grandson shooting your grandson out of the window thing. Are you mad?

Ed Wuncler : In 30 years, that boy will be the President of the United States. And he'll still be a fucking idiot. Now, are we gonna have that drink or what?

  • Leela : Alright, this is the third hose fight I've broken up today... and the second one using ACTUAL hoses.
  • Finally… protect your lower horn….

Lrrr : Mmm, this jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.

Bender : It's used to it. Woooo!

Lrrr : This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures. A living thing. And all living things, large and small...

Bender : In this case, small. Woooo!

Leela : Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.

Bender : As usual. Woooo!


Mr. Burns – AGM Burns Mascot

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