ArmchairGM Burns: 4/4/08

By: Nate Gordon

(NOTE: UCLA just lost to Memphis, so if you need me I’ll be crying in the corner of my office. Again, I blame the president for this upsetting occurrence. In the event that the president is in Russia playing grab-ass with Vlad Putin, as always proceed to blame Manwags.)

Chris Henry received an 8 game suspension from the NFL and eventually his release from the Cincinnati Bengals after a total of 5 arrests. Adam Jones has been blackballed out of football with an indefinite suspension without ever being convicted of or pleading to a crime. It would seem glaringly apparent to this writer that there is a serious double standard in the office of Roger Goodell. It seems obvious that when you mock Mr. Goodell’s office in the way Jones’ did prior to his meeting with Goodell, you get made an example of. When you say you’re sorry (even if you don’t mean it) and you go through the motions of looking remorseful you can get a second, third and forth chance before you strike out. You know what this makes the NFL? It makes it the same as any other corporation or office in the United States. Sadly the guy who seems to get it (Jones) took actions that leave him still suspended while the guy who will never get it (Henry) used up all his good will and is destined for the land of Shawn Kemp, Latrell Sprewell and Tee Martin, the land of hungry children.

Sports Crack: Odd Name, Good Articles

Crackajg the proprietor of the Sports Crack has been posting his 2008 NFL Mock Draft, broken down for every 10 picks. I have to admit that comparing anything to Crack makes me a little uncomfortable, I guess because of the connotations it carries in my culture. But when you live and die on sports and sports opinion 24/7 like this guy does – it’s hard to find a suitable comparison. This years Mock Draft is quite solid, breaking down each teams needs, likely pick and even throwing in a surprise here and there. I did a Mock Draft in 2006 and had a lot of fun with it. I know everyone gets sick of reading them because the mock draft genre gets over saturated, however Sports Crack is worthwhile. So check out picks 1-10 and picks 11-20.

That Guy In Your Group Of Friends…

For the last week or so it has been playoff time in fantasy basketball leagues. This year I sat out of fantasy basketball after I misinterpreted a rule last season and thusly mismanaged my roster to first place before the all-star break and seventh after it. So I’m not stressing, and neither are most of my friends, most of them except Sean Jean. Sean Jean has made watching any game with him the last week a nightmare. Apparently he has a player on his roster from every game we’re watching and that player (whoever he is) is severely under performing. So Sean Jean passively aggressively bitches and moans throughout the game about said player at the expense of those around him. Usually this player is from a team Sean Jean is not a fan of and he would have no interest in the player whatsoever if it wasn’t for fantasy basketball. Last Wednesday I fell asleep during the Dallas Mavericks and Golden State Warriors game to avoid listening to his complaining. I’m sure that every group of friends has a guy like Sean Jean, if you don’t feel lucky you don’t have to here about how Kyle Lowry or Renaldo Balkman are underperforming… like they even have standards to under perform too.

The Third Degree: Barkley’s Right

Charles Barkley once stated that he wasn’t a role model, just a basketball player. He pointed out that police officers, fire fighters and doctors were professions to look up to. He even did an entire Nike advertisement campaign based on the idea that athletes were not role models. However, because our children choose to look up to these figures we idolize them and give them the “sacred cow” treatment. This leads to a false sense of righteousness built into the athletes persona. They make millions of dollars, are on television nightly and are insanely talented so that makes them someone to look up to right? Wrong.

The fact of the matter is that they are humans just like you and me and our friends and have the same human qualities we do. They have diverse upbringings and backgrounds that factor in the decisions and life choices they make. When I was a child in the late 80s and early-mid 90s it was not uncommon for players to throw lavish cocaine parties at their mansions where all types of unimaginable foolishness and debauchery took place. They would party past sunrise and do lots of things that they will withhold from the stories they tell their grandchildren. However because we didn’t have the internet many of these event went by unnoticed by the general population. Athletes still go out and act a fool, however they are more closely watched these days. Once we find out about their misbehaving, we like to hold them to the holy standard that we’ve built for them. “You make millions a year and are the cornerstone of a franchise – act like it.” Would you say the same thing to Lawrence Taylor, Dennis Rodman or Roberto Hernandez? Of course you would, but they would tell you to fack off between lines. Athletes are humans, and despite what we like to believe they will do what men do when they have plenty of money and free time on their hands. I don’t get upset at an athlete for doing what he does in his free time, I get upset at him for getting caught.

User Quotes

  • Pean: Today is a great sports all afternoon, basketball all night
  • Patrickburke1980: Tomorrow isn't the horrible work only night, hockey only morning.
  • Kelsdad: Can I have your wife for the weekend?
  • Kelsdad: Congratulations, Pat, but I was talking to Pean
  • JuTMSY4: I think a cancer victim minused me... you know minuses give you cancer...
  • ManRays: I'll certainly take a Leinart staying home and partying safe than a Jim Leyritz or Leonard Little - even Billy Martin drunk driving or a Stephen Jackson or Pacman at the club or "Taser me Three Times" Michael Olowakandi... jeez.

Cartoon Quotes

  • I can’t remember if I used this one, but here it goes again if I did:

Huey Freeman : Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9-11. Thank you for your time and good night.

  • Amy Wong : [ crying ] We're trying our best!

Bender : [ yelling ] Your best is an idiot!

  • Soldier : This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.

Fry : And then the battle is not so bad?

Soldier : Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.


Mr. Burns: AGM Burns Mascot

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