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ArmchairGM Burns: 4/1/08
By: Nate Gordon
First off I’d like to wish a very happy and safe 21st birthday to my best friend and LASB contributor Matt Berson. Matt is in Texas for the entire week on a business/debauchery trip that’s sure to end with young lasses being offered mustaches rides they can’t refuse, those lasses refusing the mustaches rides and Matt riding home ashamed, drunk and lonely in the airplane lavatory. Also congratulations to my boss, Luciano whose wife is giving birth this morning to their first daughter, Sarah Croccia. Anyway this place is going through it’s quarterly code red where a war opens up and people fight and scratch to defend themselves and eventually end up either hanging on crosses or pissing into the wind…oh wait, Dan put a stop to that. Regardless of this nonsense we’ll still be here giving you the same insight you get from your autistic older brother… and possibly even worse.
The Greatest April Fools in UCSB History
As I have made obvious previously, the campus of UC Santa Barbara is filled with party crazed, drunken and stoned intellectuals. Many times, the students (and faculty) fall into all three categories, today they fall into a fourth – gullible. The campus newspaper, the Daily Nexus had fun at the expense of the community when abuzz arose due to this article distributed yesterday: Jim Rome to bring “The Jungle” to AD. The article explains how Rome talked for 8 hours straight in an impromptu interview for the vacant position of Athletic Director. If you want the laugh of your week, go read that article then imagine people buzzing around campus about the possibility of Jim Rome running the biggest soccer school in the nation. Classic.
In Which Big Pup Gets Owned
Look, Mr. ArmchairGM linebacker, you want to talk this big scary game about sacking writers, or tossing them into Puget Sound. Yet when you get your due notice, you’re no where around to accept it. I can’t take these emotional mind games you wish to play you kooky Canadian. I can’t be staying up until two in the morning peeking out of my kitchen window waiting for headlights to come shining in from the driveway. Your reign of terror is done Mr. Linebacker. The forces of tyranny shall be met and subdued by the forces of righteousness. You have WOCDs – Weapons Of Conservative Destruction; and this cannot be tolerated. You have been found to be in possession of the first 3 seasons of The View on DVD, Hillary Clinton bumper stickers and memberships to PETA and Rob Reiner’s “Collation to destroy the corporations that made him a fat, rich bastard” So you’re on notice BigPPup, I’m pulling a Tony Montana and not breaking my balls for no one, ya understand?
The Third Degree: There Is Low Brow, Then There Is Us
So, the featured article on the ArmchairGM front page is a Hottest Sports Wife Tournamnet, which would confirm my belief that some people have no life. One of these people, ironically, is a robot. The random Bracket Bot, (not to be confused with Tim Krukjian’s porn alias, MLB Stats Bot) has created this Hottest Sports Wife tournament, which appears to me as nothing more then a reason for teenagers to have lots of half-naked women on their computer screen. None of these women are Erin Andrews which is quite a disappointment, although it is also a blessing if it means she is single! However, before I stray off topic let me be quick to note that this is a waste of time and space on ArmchairGM. The results were already tabulated and I awarded the honor of Hottest Sports Wife to Candice Cameron a long time ago. I can’t imagine why Bracket Bot didn’t get the memo, he must have a chapped robot ding a ling that needs his robot-attention. It seems like a robot wouldn’t even be interested in a human female, shouldn’t there be some sort of fem-bot that this robot is interested in? I’m thinking way too hard about this, just enjoy the damn cartoon quotes and have a great Wednesday.
- INS Agent: Mr. Griffin, finish this phrase: Land of the free, home of…
Peter Griffin: Ho, home om, home of the Whopper?
- Bart : [ after they watch a foreign film ] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.
[ holds pony tail to his head ]
Bart : Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.
Marge : Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.
- Homer Simpson : Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge : You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
- Homer Simpson : Every time I learn something new it pushes some old stuff outta my brain. Remember when I took that wine tasting lesson and I forgot how to drive?
Marge : You were drunk!
Homer Simpson : [ laughing ] And how.