ArmchairGM Burns: 4/5/08

By: Nate Gordon

The real life equivalent to my day in the world of sports Saturday would be waking up hung over, with an unattractive women in my bed, without a rubber wrapper in sight – yes, it was that bad. Before I had even open my eyes Arsenal had blown it’s last hope at staying in the Barclays Premiership race with a 1-1 draw at home to Liverpool. Before breakfast was finished the Dodgers were losing to the Padres and by 6 pm my Spring Silliness bracket was officially busted and UCLA was bounced from the Final Four. The Lakers were idle so there was no redemption in the evening, I just had to deal with a full day of crappy sports results. However like the three things mentioned in the first sentence, all these things will eventually disappear from memory and when things are out of sight and out of mind, they don’t exist, except child support, that definitely never goes away.

Call ManRays what he ask to be called for your own health and safety… and Big Pup here is the tribute you so desire.

Live Blogs

Oh boy do I love live blogs. They send a thrill up my leg that is only comparable to the thrill Barrack Obama gives Chris Matthews. When I get a chance to sit back and have someone describe to me what is happening on television it really gets me hyped up. The less original the opinions and thoughts the better. I just want to know what’s happening play by play and if you have a side joke on what the commentators are saying you get bonus points. Remember to make the joke as obscure as possible so that only other people watching the telecast will get it. Also, if you were thinking of adding extra analysis or information like stats or comparisons to past games stop now, that would be doing too much. Furthermore if you have the skills you can take live blogging to the next level by adding in when commercial breaks are and if the producers are putting on a good telecast. This way, you are literally being the play by play (or color if you choose) commentator telling the community what the play by play commentator is doing or saying. This is the classiest and best form of live blog.

With that said there is nothing I am excited for more this Sunday then the Women’s Final Four live blog. I can’t wait to get my assortment of chips and candy so I can settle in front of the computer and watch SSR, Trizz and Dre-Lo complain about Jay Bilas’ hair cut and describe commercial breaks to each other. Even better, they will all submit the same information written differently, so now I get to enjoy the game in triplicate! What could be better then the Women’s Final Four? Reading those guys thoughts on the Women’s Final Four! What else would you do with a Sunday afternoon then live blog those games? It’s not like there is a world of more interesting things going on during a Sunday in April. My life will truly be fulfilled after sharing my Sunday afternoon with my buddies live blogging women’s college basketball.

The Third Degree: Bonds Will Never Go Away

The impossible happened. Barry Lamar Bonds finally hung up his brown and orange #25 and left San Francisco; and San Francisco let the door hit Bonds on the way out. That is neither here nor there, what is, is the fact that Bonds has more opinion pieces dedicated to him then any other baseball player in 2008 so far and he’s unemployed. So many pieces have been written on Bonds this season that his inability to get signed has been covered at length. So man pieces in fact, that people have been titling them “YES another Bonds article” and starting off others with “I know you don’t want another Bonds article but…” well I’m glad you came to that conclusion on your own genius, we don’t want another Bonds article. So why do we get so many of them? I have three possible reasons:

1. “Bonds is an interesting piece of the 2008 season.” I’m sorry, I refuse to believe that a 43 year old free agent is of any interest to anyone outside of San Francisco. Now that they have washed their hands of him, what other market does he appeal too? So what is the deal with 5 Bonds articles being published every time the guy blows his nose?



Reasons 2 and 3 are blank for good reason, because Bonds doesn’t deserve any more press then he already receives. Dr. Commento once proscribed for me ignoreitALL, taken twice a day orally. IgnoreitALL helps you starve attention whores so that they may fade into obscurity, so I suggest you all go see the good doctor and get a prescription so that we may let Bonds and his ego die in the shadows of the public spotlight.

Cartoon Quotes

It’s a Lelia, Zapp and Kif inspired quote section:

  • Leela : Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.

Dr. Zoidberg : You know Zapp Brannigan?

Leela : Let's just say we've crossed paths.

Bender : Was that before or after you slept with him?

Kif Kroker : I'll get the powder, sir.

  • Fry : I have an idea.

Leela : I have a better one.

  • Fry : Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.

Bender : And it pinkens your teeth as you chew.

  • [ Leela fantasizes she killed the Professor ] Bender : There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.

Leela : You're blackmailing me?

Bender : Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion." The "X" makes it sound cool.


Mr. Burns - AGM Burns Mascot

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