ArmchairGM Burns: Midweek 5/6/08

By: Nate Gordon

If any of you have played Football (NFL and Regular) or Hockey at a high level you can understand the frustration of being a defensive or offensive specialist; especially for a goalkeeper. Outfitted in my yellow short sleeved jersey, black shorts and matching yellow socks, Fresh Wok emblazened in white across my chest, I patrolled my goalmouth as I do every Monday night at UC Santa Barbara’s Rob Field. However, unlike most nights where I make 5 or 6 routine saves in a victory, I faced a daunting task. Missing 6 starters, including 3 of 4 defenders and our attacking midfielder my team could only muster 1 goal in a 4-1 defeat. Beaten down, and suffering from a strawberry on my left hip and a kink in my neck I searched for relief anywhere I could find it. Called a couple of girls, no answer, called a couple of connects to any avail. I even came to ArmchairGM hoping to find something – and there it was….

When Cougar2000 and L.A.S.B. Agree…

It was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose. I always assumed that although it seemed we were always on opposite sides of an opinion that we would eventually find a common ground. Finally, we have: Cougar and I both hate people associated with PETA.

Now using the word “Hate” is usually too strong of a description to employ to show your feelings of displeasure towards another. However, as a writer, I try to drive points home like a school bus driver so I’m more than happy to use hate. I can’t stand any sort of extremist group; it is my belief that most things can be sensibly worked out. However, when it comes to PETA, it’s their radical (and usually irrational) way or the high way.

So when I saw that Cougar had written PETA Kiss Our Ass (I changed the title to represent all of us against PETA) I felt like I did the first time my older brother let me come hang out with him and his friends. Finally, common ground to stand on with a former foe, I feel that Cougar was dead on with all of his points in his article and as a matter of fact, could go a lot further with it. But I won’t, it’s his article and I want it to shine on its own. So yes, I am endorsing it: go read Cougar’s article against the PETA Kooks – which sadly includes Pam Anderson, America’s favorite Canadian.

From the Mind That Brought You Apostrophe

The Burns Love Stalker is at it again with his critically acclaimed (I’m the one who acclaimed it) series Resident Interview. This time he is interviewing Justin Yost, who should be congratulated on earning his degree this month. I’m not sure what he was studying up there in Boston, but it was most likely a B.S. on how to ride the bandwagon. So head over there and enjoy two of ArmchairGM’s finest shoot the wind and have an interesting conversation. Resident Interview so far has been better in my opinion then both Meet the Users and Hanging with the Old Heads, although I enjoy them as well.


The Third Degree: The Kobe Lovefest Continues

The more people find stupid reasons to hate on Kobe Bryant, the more I wish to put him on a pedestal and talk about his greatness. I really can’t help it, whatever it is that makes people want to hate on Kobe Bryant, the opposite makes me want to do what I do. The most notorious Kobe Bryant hater on ArmchairGM is also AGM’s most notorious user The Great ManRays. We already know that everything Manny says is true, and when it isn’t, there are great Hillary Clinton-ish reasons to discount the mistake. So therefore, Manny (and two or three idiots I heard on ESPN radio today) would like to label the 2008 NBA MVP as overrated. I have never heard an argument against Kobe’s game outside of questionable shot selection and the occasional complaint about his amount of turnovers (which shouldn’t be surprising considering he touches the ball more than any other non-point guard in the league.) The shot selection argument has been non-existent this season and has been replaced with jabs at Bryant’s character. However, Manny let his personal hate go too far and I have a beef with this comment:

“… and no one likes him because he's a fake, a man without character, and a two-faced, schizophrenic snake tongued liar. He tries to be this imaginary persona he wishes he was, but he doesn't even know who he really is - that's why people in LA love him - he's just as fake as they are.”

First off, you sound like a screenwriter who is pissed because he never sold a script in Hollywood; the petulance in your tone is almost sicking. He is fake? What is fake about Kobe? I’ve seen the man play 3 times live, he’s more real then the shirt I’m wearing. And while I can’t speak to his credit cards, but I assume his American Express Black card is his own. Secondly, your claims of Kobe being “a man without character” are pretty weak. He never raped anyone, he did commit adultery; and while that is a bad thing, it’s hardly uncommon in professional sports. I would even go to say it’s more common than uncommon. Adultery is only held against players if the fan doesn’t like them; if Amare was a cheater, there would “be a good reason”. Although I can’t say Kobe isn’t a liar, schizophrenic is more then inane.

From Manny Stiles, it is funny that Kobe is being called a man with “an imaginary persona he wishes he was but doesn’t even know who he really is”. The mirror is a hard place to look some days.

Oh, and to top it off he gave the entire city of LA a big Fack You with: “That’s why people in LA love him – he’s just as fake as they are” Wow Manny, I had no idea you felt so strongly about me, my city and my people. I knew you had a “stepson” complex when it comes to L.A. because you’re a Phoenix sports fan, but never have I heard such a jaded view of Kobe Bryant. So I have a bunch of hateful words from someone who needs somewhere to direct their disdain for their own situation, but can’t come up with real reasons to discount Bryant. This also, isn’t uncommon, it comes with being a superstar in the second biggest market in the nation.

The body of work is there, the man owned up to his mistakes this season and gave due credit to his teammates for their contributions, and he picks up the dinner tab whenever he goes out (and with whomever). He’s earned this MVP award and no regular Joe sitting at home butthurt because his team is playing golf three rounds before he thought (and one round before I told him they would be) is pissed off because the best keeps getting better. Keep hating on us who are at the top in L.A. – it’s what everyone below us does when they find out they couldn’t cut it in this town. True Story.

Cartoon Quotes

  • Peter Griffin: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
  • Peter Griffin: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.
  • Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!

Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night. [Flashback]

Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin : Oh.


Mr. Burns - AGM Burns Mascot

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