ArmchairGM Burns: 3/15/08

By: Nate Gordon

First off I would like to thank everyone who has shown support for Eric Frimpong. Rest assured that we will fight each and every week until justice is served and Eric comes home. Moving on, we are going to spend a good portion of today’s burns teaching our buddy Trizz a lesson in sentence structure, making predictions and overall cracking a good joke. Falcon’s day 3 at spring training will be covered. Finally I’ll give you my prediction for the Rockets/Lakers game this afternoon and we’ll enjoy a couple of cartoon quotes to wrap things up. So let’s strike a match, catch fire and let this moth--f----r burn, burn baby burn.

Falcon: Spring Training Bird of Prey

The Falcon is an expert in ArmchairGM reporting. He’s so good in fact, he takes time away from feasting on rats in fields to cover spring training for you lazy, armchair ridden bastards. Falcon has little baby falcons at home waiting for him to throw up into their mouths for subsistence. Does he return to feed them? Hell no, he’s got Twins vs. Rays games to cover so that you can sit at home all Sunday and watch “Charmed”, waiting for Alyssa Milano to show her bra. Oh yeah, it gives you goose bumps doesn’t it?

For being a Falcon, he sure doesn’t use his ability to fly to get quality pictures. But he has pictures, so I’m not going to complain. Moreover, the pictures don’t all feature himself or his kids, so Falcon’s reached a level of professionalism that This Guy can only dream of obtaining. Anyway, I don’t want to give up Falcon’s story, because he does a great job telling it himself, and I would bore you. So stop what you’re doing, put the Jergens and paper towels away and check out Spring Training Day 3.

The 3rd Degree: Trizz, This One’s for you

Trizz is known around ArmchairGM for his fantasy Instant Message Conversations, and his poor sentence structure. He’s also known by some as a pretty funny guy. Well I hope he has an ability to laugh at himself, because when I’m done with him everyone else will be. After a short hiatus, Trizz returned with 10 bold predictions for the upcoming Major League Baseball season. I’m breaking it down, and someone should call Kurtis Blow, these really are “The Breaks”.

Trizz starts the blog with a little bit of self-deprecation, assuming that no one missed him, although he misuses a comma, we’ll let it slide. Mainly because I can’t wait to get to his first joke: “Yes, it's time for the sport more tainted than a law passed by Gov. Spitzer.” (No Trizz! You young fool! If you’re going to make a joke about another’s recent misfortune, it has to be funny, AND make sense! How about: It’s time for the sport more tainted then Elliot Spitzer’s reputation, or It’s time for the sport more tainted then Elliot Spitzer’s marriage. Do your homework and create a good joke. This looks half assed, and makes you look uninformed and foolish)

The sentence following the Spitzer joke is so long I refuse to quote it. I’ll break it down though, each though requires its own sentence. Its subject, predicate. Not 3 subjects and predicates wherever you feel like chucking them. Actually, I will quote: “Yes, its time for baseball, and what better way to kick it off than with a bunch of bold predictions from yours truly, the one who said J.D. Drew would come through in the playoffs, the one who said the Yankees would miss the playoffs and the one who has just written a whole paragraph completely irrelevant to baseball anywho here are my bold predictions for the 2008 MLB season...” (Now I will re-write it for you properly: Yes, it’s time for baseball. What better way to it off the season then with a bold predictions from Trizz, the man himself. The one who called J.D. Drew’s playoff surge, the one who wrote off the Yankees last season and the one who just completed an irrelevant paragraph. – See? Now isn’t that much better? Here’s a tip Trizz: Read your work aloud before you even think about submitting it.)

I don’t understand your second prediction Trizz: why will the thought of having to beat the Tigers, Angels, Indians and Yanks be a roadblock? You really think that the Mariners will talk themselves out of competing with those teams? Or do you think they will get scared and out-think themselves? What are you trying to say? What is the prediction?

“4. Midseason baseball becomes less relevant because Barry Bonds will somehow beat his perjury case.” (Sorry to burst your bubble buddy, but midseason in a 162 game season is NEVER RELEVANT. Oh Jesus, we dropped 2 of 3 to the Royals in May, hit the panic button!!!)

All and all I don’t feel like your predictions are even that bold, per say. David Ortiz will win the MVP? He’s been in contention each of the last couple of years, David Eckstein would be a bold prediction!

Joba is overrated… Duh. Dice-K winning 17, I’ll give you credit for semi-bold prediction, still not out of this world. LA making the playoffs, and Bond’s getting off the hook both seem like reasonable assumptions to me. The only two things that seem bold are your predictions of D-Train blowing it in Detroit and the Brew-Crew winning the NL Central.

So what we are left with is 2 bold predictions, 8 reasonable assumptions and poor sentence structure. Hopefully this will help you get to 10 bold predictions and a well written piece next time. It’s unlikely but one can always hope right?

Cartoon Quotes

  • “Homer: Hello Mr. Burns? This is your mother.

Smithers: No...

Burns: Urg... Oh, hello mother. Um... sorry about pulling the plug on you and all, uh... who could've known you'll pull through and... live... for another 5 decades? Ohh, is my face red!

Smithers: Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more dessicated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns"!

Homer: Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say I don't love you. You are a bad son Montel...” –The Simpsons

  • Peter Griffin : Holy crip, he's a crapple.” –Family Guy
  • Tricia Takanawa : Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentiality dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.

Glen Quagmire : I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!” –Family Guy

  • Bender : So do you know I'm going to do something before I do it?

God : Yes.

Bender : What if I do something else?

God : Then I don't know that.” -Futurama


Mr. Burns - AGM Burns Mascot

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