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By: Nate Gordon

ArmchairGM Burns 03/07/08

Okay, once again first things first. The burns are based on the previous noon-to-noon day’s events. Which means today I’m taking a look at things that went down between noon yesterday, and noon today. With that said let’s first take a look at some of the news of the day:

Jones Signed In Seattle – Could Be Worse Right?

The company line being towed by the 12th Man? “I’m no Julius Jones fan, but at least he’s not Shaun Alexander.” The man who made Seahawk fans ask “who’s Ricky Watters?” is officially out in Seattle in favor of Dallas Cowboys free agent Julius Jones. The 4th year running back out of Notre Dame topped 1000 yards for the first time in 2006 with 1084 to go with 4 touchdowns, but dropped to 588 and 2 when MB3 got a sizable chunk of the carries. Jones is a scat back that possesses speed to get around the corner, but is weak between the tackles. His lack of red zone touches in Dallas in favor of Marion Barber III proves to me that he can’t be relied on near the goal line. I don’t think it will be long before Seahawk fans are looking for Mr. Right Now again. At least Jones won’t get fed up after two seasons and try to relocate to Hawaii’, right? ...Right?

Javon Kearse Returns Home:

Defensive end Javon Kearse resigned with the Titans, returning to the team that drafted him in the 1st round of the 1999 draft. The Freak is hoping to catch 2nd wind coming home after a disappointing time in Philadelphia. I thought Kearse did his best Hugh Douglas impersonation by looking great in a Philly uniform and under-performing. Minnesota had tried to get Kearse to visit them in hopes of signing him but when asked Kearse stated that after trying a city full of cold, bitter white people, he’d rather return to Tennessee. (Not an actual statement.) Either way I’m sure he’ll play mediocre and the media will frame it as excellent and he’ll continue his career of living off the hype, not living up to it.

Lil Romeo Signs with USC, First Album Due Fall ’08:

Percy “Master P” Miller is a pretty damn good basketball player in his own right. Hell I even thought that back in ’99-’00 the Hornets should of given him a roster spot at the end of the bench. Although I suppose they figured he wouldn’t last more then a season or two, in Charlotte they would have sold way more season tickets with Master P on the team. Anyway, you should be able to tell by all my talking about his dad that Lil Romeo isn’t all that great of a basketball player. He’s got some ego though so it should be interesting to see if he and OJ Mayo fight it out, or team up to punk Tim Floyd on a daily basis. Floyd is the biggest tool in division 1 basketball… wait no that’s Bob Huggins. So Floyd is the second biggest tool. I still haven’t mentioned Romeo’s ability to play basketball…

Coughlin Gets Paid: Show Him The Money

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin has been resigned by the team to a 4 year extension worth 21 million dollars. Is it unreasonable to pay Coughlin 5 million and change a year over the next 4 years? I don’t know. Is it reasonable to beat the ESPN proclaimed greatest team of all time in the Super Bowl while management and the fan base breathe down your collar? Is it reasonable to lead the NFC fifth seed to the NFL Championship when your next wrong step is going to be your first step out the door? I don’t think it is I think it is over and above what should be expect of Coughlin. Therefore, the Giants paid him over and above what his value may have been pre 2008 playoffs. But you know, that’s the freaking name of the game, overachieve, get overpaid, then under perform. Or is that just the NBA…

Andy Reid’s Top 5 Worst Draft Picks

Eagles coach Andy Reid must already know where he went wrong when drafting sons, so Ihatephilly took a look at Reid’s 5 worst draft picks. Don’t ask me why a guy named Ihatephilly is spending so much time breaking down the Eagles. I don’t spend my Friday’s breaking down the Broncos ; I spend it breaking down panties. Anyway, after being a blowhard for about 200 words that I didn’t read we get to the picks. His draft bust choices are Barry Gardner, Quinton Caver, Matt McCoy, Freddie Mitchell and Jerome McDougal. All guys I don’t know except Mitchell, who I recognize for being a world class jackass and disappointment. You want to thank your hands for being so wonderful? Thank them for getting you on the Eagles all time draft bust list buddy. Freddie Mitchell is going to be the 40 year old guy at the night club looking all shifty like he is going to spike a co-eds drink and get all R. Kelly on them back in the hotel room.

BBB15 Has Life – Cries About It:

Our friend BehBigBen15 is developing from a boy into a young man and with that development hopefully come a social life. However, when that life comes, do not bitch about it. You have this class and that class and a life and blah blah blah so that fack what? I work 2 jobs, play on a soccer team and 2 basketball teams, go to class, pull girls, smoke ganja and play video games all while contributing to ArmchairGM. Guess what, it’s called multitasking. Also if your spending so much time on AGM that you need to announce that it’s getting in the way of your life, then clearly your spending a little too much time on Armchair and a little time away should be for the best. We’ll miss your daily contribution but we'll be happy when you do contribute Ben. I mean who else will tell us about the impotence of the Pirates, oh and their lack of offensive production is pitiful too ;).

Quotes of the day:

  • As always these are all either by me, responses by me, or real quotes from real users/people where noted:
  • Falcon02520 had some insight for our Kuwait/Middle East affiliate/admin Romiezzo “Over here Romi, you are more likely to get hit in the head with a wrench than a suicide bomber...”

I've never heard of a suicide bomber hitting someone in the head

  • Tyrone Briggs theorizes that BBB15 has a girlfriend, I think he just finally discovered, the hot new porn wiki.

(I made that up, don’t go rushing to open a new tab.)

  • Alex Holocwzak very nicely tried to explain Snooker to me and this was my ignorant response: “<American Ignorance>It's got balls, a table, cues, chalk and people wearing funny shirts, it's all billards/pool to me</American Ignorance>”

Doing America as proud as Chris Katan does at a film festival.

  • Kerry Wood faux headlines ruled yesterday with Fox Sports: “Cautious optimism is best when discussing Wood” (found by SSR.) I added “I like when women are optimistic about my Wood.” And finally BobbyJim45’s “You need them to be optimistic about your Wood otherwise you’ll be a lonely man.” Touche Bobby, touche.
  • Frank Stevenson read the Code of Conduct and I promised to give a defacto mention in the Burns, so there ya go Frank. Shine like the star you are buddy.
  • Finally this isn’t a quote but a tidbit. The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Los Angeles Clippers last night by 38 points, reafirming the positions of both franchises in the league. Hey Seattle, you want basketball right? The Clippers have already played in 3 west coast cities (San Diego, Anahiem and L.A.) and your not keeping the SuperSonics so why not? Simmons for Bucks GM in ’08 and Clippers for Seattle in ’10, why the hell not? I like that better then Simmons “YES WE CAN”. Simmons for Bucks GM in ’08 – WHY THE HELL NOT?
  • Oh and one more final note – Falcon02520 wrote a great piece on his trip to the Dinsey Complex for a Astros/Braves spring training game and it is a MUST READ. As in finish what your reading here, drop a wiseass comment and go read Falcon’s article you noob. That is all.

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