By David J. Cohen
Since the steroid cloud has polluted athletics fans everywhere have debated whether certain players are steroid users. Did Barry Bonds improve ten hat sizes in four years or did he hit his head really really hard one day? Did Slamming Sammy get his power from giving grace to the lord or by slamming some needles into his body? Is Shawn Merriman now just lights out or is he still juiced up? With many players the glaring signs are there but there is no tangible proof. And unless a player couldn’t cover up, wrote a book, or hired the worst lawyer in America it would always remain a debate. Until now.
Looking back on the last couple years there are two athletes who have absolutely emphatically denied using steroids. Rafael Palmeiro gave Congress a Colbert wag of the finger. A short time later he was caught doping. He said it was Vitamin B12. Turns out the steroids were in locker B12. Roger Clemens doesn’t have the paper failed drug test but there’s a mountain of evidence and a few needles in some guy’s closet that fill in nicely. Clemens also told Congress to bring it on and as a result, the whole world knows that the rocket was shooting into inappropriate places. And both had the ultimate evidence of cheating right in front of all the media. It was in their lockers.
It’s hard to believe (among other things) but the two most adamant “I didn’t do it” phonies in the steroid era are both now linked to using Viagra as a performance enhancer on the field. I guess they wore cups as cover-ups. Palmeiro did ads with Viagra in 2002 and was ridiculed everywhere he went as a result. He was on board as the youngest spokesman for these types of drugs. It was reported that Clemens also used Viagra and kept it in a GNC bottle after one of his teammates gave it to him, probably along with a gold thong. Clemens reportedly said Viagra “made him feel flushed and made his heart race”. So it wasn’t Mindy McCready after all. It turns out Viagra helps send oxygen, nutrients, and things like anabolic steroids to muscles more efficiently. Who knew.
So basically, baseball player + Viagra = steroids + pesky pole that has nothing to do with Fenway Park. That’s not in the Mitchell Report. That’s not in Canseco’s allegedly tell-all books. But so far the Viagra connection is batting a thousand.
Someone go through Bonds’s medicine cabinet. You might find the missing link once and for all. And how he really grew to be a giant di…well you get the idea.