"It's about time some people get - shhh! - real, real soon they tells me. Y'all k'naw?!?! Come uppins... come uppins." said New Orleans Saints transplant Keendra D'Alphonso of Utica, NY about the Detroit Lions.----
"Da Goldem Domers are gahn kickt da shit out da dem in their... Big... House with a Loss. Huzzah!" semi-chanted delightfully tipsy Notre Dame fan Dominic Hanrahan as well as other slurs at the local UM sports tavern of lore in his home town of Grand Rapids, MI. He spoke more clearly after "accidentally" getting most of his teeth kicked out.----
"Here you go!" grinned a blue chip NHL Prospect from the "Hometown" Red Wings at a local hockey tournament as he handed a shy 4 year old boy/Detroit Red Wings fan a freshly used game puck during a passing by of the boy and his internet writing-obsessed father in the stands.----
"He has an inventory of ability? You know. The first 6 letters of the word inventory spells 'invent'. Sure two hours of sleep a night is healthy." muttered former non-Miss USA contestant, microuber-karaoke bar star and trivia god of perpetual 4th place, Manny Stiles. ----
"Dick Butkus? Aw man! You were awesome on... uh... what's it called? Umm..."

"The Bears.. Number fif-" he replied.

"No, what was it... damn it... ummmmmmmm uhhhhh"

Then it hit him! "Oh Yeah!!! Mr. Belvedere! You were AWESOME on that show, dude!!!" ----

What the Scallop?

Yup, a SpongeBob reference. That's how I roll.

4 of the 5 are true stories above and do recommend Desitin Creme as the mother of all childhood medical/parental-re-sane-izers... or is it sanitizer? resanitizer? anyway... the other is a fabriclicious recognillected multifarious tetraspherical conglomerated realmspace.

Which is NOT a true story???

(Winner get nothing but the satisfaction of not getting some sack of useless crap not in internet-driven font-facking form from me) babe

You know... there's a LOT of good 'F' words...

...just sayin'.

What'd you say? Shhhhh!!!

How 'bout that internet!

It's really NOT all politics and religion, you know? Even though it is.

Except for the porn and prodigious sports banter!

Just kidding, it's the porn; I know.

To quote a fabulous line from the movie Airplane when thinking about the current state of "There's a sale at Penney's!"

(that line KILLS with an audience of mostly JCPenney employees...)

A lot of people yapping right now are gonna be closing their trap real soon. Bet on it.

Ohio State fans, you're on the clock.

Derek Jeter, don't bother sitting down in the waiting room. We'll serve you now.

Seriously. Dude... Get all the hits you want. You're not in the same state as Lou Gehrig. Not in the same time zone! On a 10x larger than life-sized map.

Gehrig was Great. Jeter is just very good (and at times, that is a stretch). I've given up hope that people would be randomly beaten senseful until everyone agreed that Jeter isn't REALLY Hall of Fame worthy, but alas I realize that the common misperceptions of man frequently are easier to remember and therefor endure.

Derek Jeter: You best watch out for Mike Shanahan (it's make sense if you read this whole article over and over many, many times until you shoot Yoko Ono. Or Julien Lennon; your choice, I'm not picky.

Los Angeles Dodgers, don't get too comfortable in the waiting room. You're next the last people in front of you just got toe tagged by a slight "mishap".

Maybe my pre-season MLB predictions were pretty freeking awesome once you skip the part where I had the Mets over the Rays in the World Series with Scott Kazmir as WSMVP... or when the Rockies catch the Dodgers for the Division title on the last day of the season. Then the Dodgers get to match up with the Cardinals as a Wild Card - a team that OWNS them.

"Donovan McNabb's feelings", unless you fork over more than $20 and maybe we'll get you a seat.

Maybe T.O. wasn't bullshitting you.

closin' their traps real soon!!! Shhhhhh!!!!!

Maybe, if you're a Rays fan like me... you already know how it feels...

Right, Oklahoma fans?

It's like I woke up and it 2007 all over again. Turn the game off before the 8th inning and you'll go to bed happy EVERY night!!!

JP Howell as Al "I am the reverse of Good Luck" Reyes, Rheal Cormier as a lefthanded Shawn Camp. Grant Balfour as Brian Stokes (I know, that's cruel). It's crazy. Once the team felt the race was too far away, they folded like a potato chip. Next year! Isn't that the chant? Eh...

"America: Hey, World, dont worry! We can ufck our own $hit up too!"

I'm gonna put it on a a bumpersticker made in China from non-recylcable materials and sell it to a bunch of "Americans" whose grandparents were illegal immigrants for a $2 a piece so they can turn around and sell them to rusty pickup truck owners with sticker fetishes for $4.50!

I'm actually rooting for Fred Taylor to do well.

I think the Patriots "dynasty" talk is still verifiable over. Unless miracles happen - I suppose they can - like the Patriots winning 2 or three more Super Bowls in the next 2 or three years it's tucked neatly into the time period called "when the Pats got me through Baseball's Steroid Era."

What's Rodney Harrison doing these days?

Player profile Frank Robinson

He's so tough he can kick Bruce Lee's ass... using only Chuck Norris's beard. He's Frank Robinson and you're not.

"It puts the lotion on the skin, you marvelous coiffed, hoodie manipulating bastard!" It will also be when we realize HOLY CRAP!@!! Mike Shanahan killed Bill Belichick and is wearing his skin, doffing his marvelous coif and manipulating the hoodie. Because that's what it's gonna feel like...

Can I get a "woof" from Cleveland? or a lead paint tinged grunt from Oakland

Seriously; I've never been to see for myself, but is Cleveland really such a bad place?

So what if the Beatles total collection came out, it's been 40 years since a river in Cleveland has caught on fire! Where's their parade?

1948. The shot. The _________ (I can't bear to say it to you.)

And now you got Shaq. If I was still a Suns fan I might say "Thanks".

I'm actually quite excited for LeBron to shed the proverbial monkey (Championship - it will happen) off his proverbial back. It's stupid when you think of the boundless pressures and illusory "responsibilities" that are so stupid and meaningless in the grand scheme of things that he must endure as merely "routine". Ugh. That's why I hope he gets it soon so he can answer the questions that matter instead: "How much better can he still get??"

- "Dude is amazing" typed the blogger as he wrote about LeBron James or as more often likely - as recognized during a scientific study for the Freethought Unilateral Coallition Koncern - You Magazine to a 96:1 ratio in recent surveys - "himself" since he's such an egotistical freek not-so-discreetly interjected another handsome run-on sentence in the middle of this "article".

..on that note

Ever think Matt Cassel's name sounds too much like Scott Mitchell and other moments in Flashbacks of the 90's

Isn't a black panther really a jaguar? Man, the NFL kinda messed up on naming so many of it's teams after a big pussy.

Wasn't the Lions enough already?

I think they should change their team color to pink.

It's the same shading of red to white as their current 'eyeshadow of a crossdressing whore blue' is to white. They can make pink into "Manly Light Red", "Masculine Red tinted White" or "Roast Beef Curtains" (All of which make great Fantasy Football Team names, right?)

Yes, I keep up in the world of ever-changing fashions of crossdressing whores simply for my own amusement.

=They're still the best 0-16 team ever!

And if Roger Goodell get his way (18 games), 0-16 can never be achieved again! They're like the new '72 Dolphins! "Bust out the Champagne, bitches!"

They probably should have been 5-11, maybe 6-10 last year if not for the fun fact that they sucked at "not losing". There's hope at the end of the tunnel for Lions fans... the year the world ends, all the teams will have to forfeit and the Lions will be tied for first place!

Player profile Joe Mauer

Let's all bow and worship the awesome power of a historically ridiculous season.

I still say Junior Seau should go into the Hall of Fame.

You know, simply because he stopped Ryan Leaf from getting his ass kicked by a journalist.

It's good I don't worship Hunter S. Thompson more or am not a marshmallow salesman:

I really, really, really wanted to ask Mike Babcock if he could pull my shirt over my head and beat me up demonstrating some proper techniques.

You see a guy you recognize from TV, make an ass out of yourself by claiming he was on a show he wasn't and it only makes you wanna get him to beat you up so you can brag about it to people who will never share the joy of your actual presence. I mean... that's what I would do!

But alas, I was playing trivia, enjoying a Rocky Patel and wasn't drinking enough to conspire aspirations of getting roughed up by some seasoned hockey goons willing to let out some agressions on a 98 degree, 6'6" 270lb punching bag and besides... my wife wouldn't let me anyway.

Moral of the story - don't get married.

And in case you were wondering if you should really wonder that much in the first place, but... I came in 4th place tonight. Boo. But I still won - due to luck/athletic skill - some Miller Lite schwag that will never dare to dream of fitting me ("Honey, I won, I mean got you a present! Phew. Now don't ask me for nothing 'til after Valentine's Day is over!" during promotional giveaway moment at "halftime". Perhaps if the Red Wings coaches, front office employees - many of whom were easily recognized by their multi-knuckled noses they were former players and well versed in the artform known as "Goon" - were there tolerating me and my Rocky Patel and the way I play trivia, I might not have needed to "ask" in the first place!

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