Reading LASB's spoof of Emmitt criticizing Reggie Miller for his awful commentary, this has given me inspiration for this satirical article. The last people on Earth you want in a round table discussion are here today to talk about the hot topics in sports. Simple right? Here we go!
Topic 1: The NFL Draft
Reggie Miller: I seriously believe that Jake Long should not be the top pick in this draft. I mean, look at the uh...um...highlights of um....Darren McFannden from Arkansas University, watch him BURST THROUGH THE HOLE!! THAT IS HOW YOU FINISH OFF A PLAY YOUNG FELLA!!!!
(Rest of panel gives Miller Valium)
Emmitt Smith: Jane..or Jake Long I should speak...say, is very much worthy of being the top #1 overall pick in the draft. I now...know that this is coming from a running back, but every good running back, needs a good offensive line, and Jake Long can be the good offensive line. I think the Miami Dolphins and Bill Parcells, otherwise known as Tuna Fish Bill, can totally turn the Dolphins season from last year, 360 degrees.
John Madden: You you you know the the the the the thing about about Jake Long, is he reminds me of Brett Favre. You know you know you know Brett Favre was probably the greatest football player ever, he could could block, tackle, throw, run, as a a a matter of fact, he is the only player in the uh NFL that literally played every uh position. Back to Long though, I mean....the key to being being uh...a good offensive lineman, is to have a good uhh pull and start from the snap. If Long can block the defensive lineman and uh uh avoid having the DL go past him and possibly uh uh uh attack the QB's blindside, he'll be good.
Doug Collins: I think uh...erm....Jake Long has a uh.....good work ethic....will not bite...er on the...swim move. He's um....very athletic and er....strong. Michigan should be proud they...erm...have a uh...top pick in the...er...NFL Drack..Draft.
Topic 2: Miguel Tejada
ESPN Folks Who Dug Up This Crap: We find this to be a huge deal. I mean we could've dug up information on whether or not Tejada used drugs, found Tim Raines' cocaine vial, if he thought mutilating ducks would be a great hobby, but no, we found out he lied about his age. Look, when someone says they are 31 instead of 33, this is hard hitting stuff. The last thing we, as a network would want, is to report a false age, we feel like we're lying to you, the loyal viewer. I hope Tejada rots away his tarnished career, this is mission accomplished people!
Tim McCarver: Now why Miguel Tejada did not learn math as a child is beyond me. The year is 2008, he was born in 1974, and 2008-1974 without the birthday=33. Simple arithmetic. Now let's talk about his hitting, I think he has trouble with the curveball because for some odd reason the ball curves....
Emmitt Smith: I don't get it, he was born in 1974, it's 2008, doesn't it make him 31?
SSR: So let me get this straight. When this report came out, you guys treated this like steroids, only to a lesser degree. Imagine what would happen if Charles Barkley was caught stealing candy.
Topic 3: WNBA Season
Reggie Miller: LOOK AT CANDACE PAR...
Marv Albert: Well I think those girls are not respected, they can play some basketball. I think they are all better than Kwame Brown. I've seen some WNBA games and I think these women can work down low, they are phenomenal in the cases of penetration. I'm picking the Seattle Storm to win it all because of Lauren Jackson, Sue Bird, and Yolanda Griffith, they are a dangerous threesome.
Topic 4: NBA Playoffs
Stephen A. Smith: Quite frankly I think that the LA Lakers are the exact opposite of the New Yawk Knicks. Isiah Thomas wrecked that franchise, and he should not be affiliated with the NBA evah again. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG!!! HE WAS A GREAT PLAYER, HOWEVA!!
(Ritalin, Valium, the whole 10 yards)
Skip Bayless: I told you before, and I'll say it again, Allen Iverson and Kevin GarNOTT are overrated. Iverson is washed up, he is a shooter and nothing more. GarNOTT went 6-18 last night, he can't shoot, he can only defend, and when I last checked, offense is more im...
(I cannot describe the following events of what happens to Skip but let's just say it involved the other members and a pot with some oil.)
Emmitt Smith: Now I was impressed by Kobe Bryant last night for the Lakers, he ripped apart the Lakers...er...Broncos and scored 49 points...or 7 touchdowns. I think he is an MVP more than Paul Chris. Bryant is as quick as a turtle, and as powerful as the moon's gravytational farce, and that has what won me over there.
Joe Buck: What Kobe Bryant and LeBron James and Chris Paul are doing is quite disgusting. I'm sorry FSN Final Score had to air that junk and, ugh, just a terrible dirty act by Moss.
Last Topic: Stanley Cup Playoffs
America: The what?
Canada: I want my hockey team back! Oh yeah, the Leafs suck!
Emmitt Smith: The MVP award should go to Bill Cosby.....because Cosby is very funny and a black hooky...hockey player....
Tim McCarver: Hockey is a game that does not get a lot of respect, I think they should do more to make the sport less anonymous as if it is unknown and unseen by the public.
(Panel does justice, and kills Tim McCarver)
Every story does have a happy ending after all.