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Article:Rickey Reports on the Johan Santana Press Conference

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In the wake of the Giants’ miraculous and thrilling playoff run, we were wondering, could things possibly get any better? Well, you could say that. New York City, meet Baseball Jesus.

And like any good investigative blogger worth his salt, Rickey was in attendance as Johan Santana was introduced to the New York media. (It’s a hell of a lot easier to get into the Mets press room than you’d think: Rickey crafted a primitive press pass from balsa wood and Carlos Beltran's mole excretions that easily passed muster). And so, pad of paper in hand, Rickey listened and reported. Below is Rickey’s transcript of the press conference:

Johan Santana: …and in summation I’m just happy and excited to be here playing for the Mets and looking forward to a great season.

Omar Minaya: And now we’d like to open this up to questions. I ask that you keep them short and devoid of any mention of the Lasting Milledge trade, of which I have no knowledge or memory. Ahem, Mike you’re first.

Mike Francessa: Johan, first off, welcome to New York. Where you do you stand on the current race war going on in the Mets clubhouse? Will you be joining the Jose Reyes Liberation Front or the Schoeneweis Six?

Santana: Well, Mike, both sides have made tempting offers, but in the end I’ve gotta go with the Latino camp due to their festive handshake and dance routines. They’re a very lyrical people you know.

Chris Cotter: Johan, welcome to New York. What do you think about my hair and boyish good looks?

Santana: Well you lack the strum und drang of, say, Steve Overmeyer, but all in all, not too bad studio boy. Next?

Kat O' Brien: Johan, can you describe your mindset at the moment?

Santana: I have a certain competition in me. I want no one else to succeed.

Kat O' Brien: Wait, aren't you just quoting that Daniel Day Lewis movie? "There Will Be...

Santana: I drink it up! I drink up YOUR milkshake!

Kat O' Brien: Pardon?

Omar Minaya: Uh, it's been a long plane flight from Minnesota and Johan's just a little excited at the moment. Next question.

Matt Cerrone: Johan, welcome to New York. I was recently able to purchase a new house thanks to our nonstop coverage of trade rumors involving you over at Mets Blog. I didn’t really have a question or anything, my lawyers were just advising me to publicly disclose that fact.

Santana: Glad to help Matt. I hear C.C. Sabathia is available in ’09 if you’re looking for a nice summer getaway place on the Vineyard. Pedro Martinez: Mr. Johan, is it true that you’ll be taking my spot in the pitching rotation?

Santana: Uhhh yeah, listen about that Petey…

Willie Randolph: If I can interrupt here for just a second, I’d just like to point out that at Spring Training, everyone, regardless of their talent, tries out for a spot on my team. Pedro could easily be the Mets #1 pitcher in 2008. Also, I haven’t ruled out the possibility of putting Johan in the bullpen.

Santana: What?! Hey Omar, this wasn’t mentioned in the contract I just signed with you!

Omar Minaya: (whispering to Johan) Don’t worry, Willie’s just a little riled up that we didn’t bring back Shawn Greene. I plan on simmering him down by signing seasoned veteran Sammy Sosa in a few days. It’s all taken care of Johan. Next question please!

Steve Phillips: Johan, there have been a few rumors involving your health concerns. Can you tell me of any physical ailments you might have that I can talk about when I explain how overrated the 2008 Mets are on ESPN?

Santana: Good question Steve, thanks for asking. I'd say that I'm about as healthy as you were in 1998 when those nasty sexual harassment allegations concerning you surfaced. Also, I can toss a fastball that clocks in at 97 miles per hour and a changeup that pretty much looks identical. So I've got that going for me, thanks for asking Steve. Next?

Murray Chass: Johan, have you decided what introduction song you’ll be using as a Met?

Santana: I’m actually not sure yet Murray. Is there a rap song that contains the phrase “ I am become death, the destroyer of worlds”? If so, I’m all over that. Maybe I can get Lastings Milledge to record it for me? Hey, where is that kid anyway? I didn't see his name listed on the the trade for me, so he's still here, right?

Omar Minaya: Uh, that name doesn't ring a bell. Next question.

Mike Lupica: Johan, any predictions for the Mets in 2008?

Santana: Without any hesitation I can tell you that I will have a higher batting average than Brian Schneider, that much is certain. As far as the 2008 season goes, well, nothing can be as painful as what you New Yorkers experienced last fall, right? I mean really, what’s worse than that? More ticket price hikes? Getting shut out by Scott Kazmir? Watching David Wright sodomize Jose Reyes on the pitchers mound?

Omar Minaya: This conference is over! Everyone out!

Santana: Seriously folks, I could go on all day: Resigning Jose Lima? Duaner Sanchez getting run down by a horse drawn carriage in Central park? Anna Benson returning? Castro and Delgado reenacting a scene from 2 Girls/1Cup?

Omar Minaya: Out, out! Everyone get the fuck out!


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