Washington, DC - February 14, 2018 President Isiah Lord Thomas III announced today that he has plans to meet with his cabinet in order to try to keep gas prices from spiking to over $10,000 a barrell. President Thomas, or as his likes to be referred to lately, Magic Juan, made these statements after he completed a shopping spree with long time Advisor Flava Flav.
Secretary of State James Dolan provided his unconditional support to Thomas stating, "In all the years I have known President Thomas, he has never steered me wrong nor will he steer this country wrong." The New York Tims has been recently reported that Dolan is blind and/or deaf in both ears.
This news comes on the heels of recent Croatian President Vlad Divac's announcement at the World Summit in January that he believes President Thomas needs to "restore America's proven track record of controlling the world economy. Just look at President Thomas' past ventures. He has the ability to the lead the free world more successfully than anyone since George W. Bush back at the turn of the century." Repeated assassination attempts on President Divac have been unsuccessful.
Speaking from a crowded room deep inside the Microsoft House, formerly known as the White House, President Thomas spoke confidently in his ability to control outrageous gas and oil prices. "Fourscore and 18 years ago, I turned the Knicks from a 12 win a year team into a 15 win a year team. That being totally relevant, I should have no problem lowering oil and gas prices. Give me 5 minutes with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia and I'll have him traded to Iraq for Eddie Curry and some excess oil to be named later. The don't call me the Smiling Assasin for nothing."
Thomas' Adminsitration has called for troops to be imposed in the Middle East but Thomas has all but declared he does not believe in that kind of defense against gas and oil. Nor does he believe in defense of any sort. But that is what makes the 47th President of the United States unique. His ability to see the problem before it happens and make it that much worse.
In recent polls, President Thomas' approval rating has been hovering around 14%, or roughly the Knicks winning percentange with him as coach.
President Thomas separately held a ceremony in the Rose Garden presented by Starbucks, Tuesday commemorating his Fire Isiah, Tickle Me Isiah, and Touched by Isiah clothing lines. WalmartSearsTarget & Co will sell the line at all local stores. T-Shirts will only come in black and pink as Thomas is said to not like whites that much.
First Lady Anucha Brown Sanders-Thomas was on hand but declined comment for fear of anything she says will be met with President Thomas' fists behind closed doors.