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In case you hadn't heard, Spring Training games officially got under way today. At long last, the questions you've been losing sleep over during the offseason will finally be answered:
Let's review some of the top stories to come out of the Cactus and Grapefruit leagues thus far:
- Roger Clemens to work out with Astros minor-leaguers after promising not to throw at his son's head... YET
- Miguel Cabrera now 15 pounds lighter, still fat
- Hanley Ramirez adorable and media-friendly ; will likely be out for the season after attempt to metaphorically saw off his own leg to escape the contract that has him chained to Pro Player Stadium until 2012 results in real, non-metaphorical injury
- Fans, baseball writers once again expressing excitement over Rickie Weeks even though any fantasy owner can tell you he did them NO FUCKING GOOD last year
- Mark DeRosa suffering from irregular heartbeat brought on by entire season of waking up in the middle of the night to see Lou Piniella standing over his bed and breathing heavily
- St. Louis Cardinals still desperately seeking to round out their starting rotation ; Rick Ankiel seen backing quietly out of the room every time the subject comes up
- Kosuke Fukudome still a source of hope, filthy last name-related jokes to Cubs fans
- Nomar Garciaparra claims this is his comeback year for the fourth year in a row; Los Angeles Dodgers fans remain jaded, emotionally numb
- Boston Red Sox sign minor-league deal with Bartolo Colon; McCoy Stadium in Pawtucket to add small grazing pasture behind right-field wall
Happy watching today!