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I am here to talk about the past!
Mannypalooza: Amnesia Be Damned! A Very Special Obligatory Clip Show Remembering AGM Snippets of the Past With A Needlessly Long Title
All Material except for the title, this sentence and the next four sentences are 100% Recycled Material (Manny lives the Green Life) that can be found deep within the archives of Manny Stiles' past efforts here on the 'chizzy.
One year and 2 and one fifths score weeks ago, a whackjob calling himself by his "rap name" joined this fair community and all kinds of ship hit the fan. Due to some "amnesia problems", Manny Stiles needs to get back to his roots; secure the foundation, blow the lid off this mother and get on the good foot. Enjoy this compilation of snippets from the past and reassure yourself that yes, there is much more Mannyness to come in the beckoning future. Besides, some of you oldheads forget what you've survived and the new people need to know what they're in for, so here we go - a glimpse inside the madness that calls itself Manny Stiles....
Bring Back the Memories!!!
After you’ve banned Manny Stiles from all things credible, incredible is all that’s left.
Let’s BAN the word EVER until further notice.
Well, I am a short time reader, first time poster... Prepare yourself adequately for Manny Stiles...
I sauntered by a concession stand and saw a gentleman wearing a Brewers' LaPorta jersey and thought, well... "this guy's gotta know something".
1 - When the star QB Stan “the Boy” Taylor explains to Homer, “Ned Flanders saved me. I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models until Ned and his bible group showed me that I could have more.” Homer responds “Professional athletes, always wanting more…”
He fired managers faster than he changed underwear and drove the free agent salary scale through the roof... He is hated by many owners and by even more of his own employees. Sure, he's already a Hall of Fame A$$hole, but you can't deny his results as owner.
...slip 300 million roofies into the drinking water or, failing to do that, make frontal lobotomies a mandatory step during tax filing.
4. Even though he's his team's second best shortstop, he knows Alex Rodriguez is a better 3rd baseman, so he stayed at shortstop...
5. - The Red Sox suck where the Yankees suck at sucking too suckily.
I asked Superfan why she was rooting for Phoenix and she said it was "because they have two former Scottsdale Scorpions on their roster". Although she then leaked that she once had a crush on Phoenix catcher Drew Butera's Dad, former MLB player Sal Butera back in the day. Whatever the reason, Superfan came through loudly for the D-Dogs.
I saw 'em play with mine own eyes. I saw how good they are.
Media – n. A throng of working people whose purpose is to concisely dumb down an event in order to make us all more dumber.
Phoenix, AZ (Unassociated Press) - As if the 'Chair (or the world for that matter) hasn't had enough of Michael Vick and his disgusting animal cruelty allegations* and muddled legal troubles, another bombshell dropped Tuesday in the All Sports-Wiki Community when a veteran member of ArmchairGM.com was named by Federal Authorities as the leader of an animal fighting and gambling ring.
There was a hiss and a pop and a small squelch; a faintly uttered "I'm your best friend, how could you kill me?" coming from the Univesal Remote I had chosen as my death spear.
Leverage – n. Not honoring your previously agreement in contract in hopes of agreeing to another, more propitious contract that you will indubitably not honor later.
Hockey on OLN a SMASHING Success! Outdoor Life Network suddenly changes it's oxymoronic name to prevent people from remembering the messy 2005 skeet shooting scandals.
he is being paid by James Dolan to ensure Spike Lee starts rooting for a new team
Highlight of the day so far was catching a chat between Don Zimmer and Donnie Baseball himself.
Fine – n. or v. Either it’s okay by the commissioner, or it’s fine.
Exhibit B: the video I've seen it more times than I've seen the Zapruder film. (it's close, anyway)
I like Frank Robinson. He gives a shit about baseball.
If winning is EVERYTHING, does that leave anything short of that NOTHING?
Win five pennants in Chicago and anything can happen!
Come on! Over 200 articles across who knows how many different blogs? Nobody is THAT much of a freek!
Unless Stiles is taking...
Writing Enhancement Drugs (WEDs)... SPELLOIDS!A BASIC BALL is a struck ball, which rolls or strikes near at the soil. Communism is here today, FULLY ingrained in the heart of America and YOU don't even know it. Teams that no longer exist kick ass! They can't let you down anymore, you can't boo them anymore and they won't ever overpay for a Free Agent you didn't want them to sign (cough, cough Barry Zito, sneeze, sneeze, Gary Matthews Jr). At times like these, we need to clear the stench of myopia and get on with rational Sports coverage... or... at least divert ourselves from the mindless, creativeless onslaught - people everywhere who don't know a damned thing about sports suddenly have the answers to everything because the media, well... in this case, the Boston media!
Rumor 3 - Doug Mientkiewicz's name was actually 'Doug Miller' before the side-effects kicked in after became helplessly addicted to HGH.
With 12 Days left 'til Christmas, Senator Mitchell gave to me:
"Manny, isn't there something you can do about the Patriots? I'm so sick of this 'undefeated' bullship."
Barry Bonds speaks out about Shawne Merriman: ...says if Merriman acted more like a pretentious prick and media despising a-hole, people wouldn't try to defend him at all. Also suggested that Shawne look into getting a larger helmet to compensate for irregular cranium growth due to steroid use denial.
Donte Stallworth counters by attempting to slash his own wrists and pour his blood on the alter of Stanley Morgan but to little avail, Stallworth fumbles the razor and the Red Sox recover it.
"Rub me the right way" the voice bellowed.
"Who are you Johnny Gill?" I retorted wondering if the radio can play while being turned completely OFF...?
"No, idiot!" The voice snipped.."I'm IN the lamp!"
That's what the NY Moment is... The NO!!! YES!!! Moment!
That's right, I will auction my 2007 Major League Baseball fanship to the team chosen by the highest bidder.
I can't look at a toothpick to this very day without hearing the wind whisper... "U L, U L...."
Come, hear Manny Stiles (the Media Whore) set a world record for most "Uh's" in 20 minutes by a rapping stockbroker/pumpkin pie eating champ.on a radio show in Montreal after midnight.
Asterisk – n. A device used to declare an event to be less noteworthy by making it more noteworthy.
So I had to get new credentials issued. Tongue don't fail me now! Well, at the least, I made a name for myself - "douche bag who loses press creds". They'll know who I am yet!
I'm inventing a new drink tonight called a "Cardinal Game"- straight Vodka and Rolaids (splash of grenadine to get that Cardinals-Bloodbath-Red color)
Don't get it twisted. This haberdashery by Asahoryu is not an isolated event, but surely an unexpected wrinkle in the story.
When Jim Morrison sang of "The End" he was wasn't screaming about Oedipus. It was all a front for the future he was seeing. He saw the day that SCORE entered the baseball card business, further ruining the Great American Hobby and throwing the first dirt on it's still-getting-nailed-in coffin.
So like any other getting-bored-of-porn fool with an internet connection circa 2000, I perused ESPN the rest of the time and starting reading the meanderings of a certain tortured Boston Sports fan.
A very adventurous fellow once told me "You should try everything once". Of course, that fellow died attempting to copulate with a narwhal during an absinthe and ether binge while traveling on his first visit to Greenland.
Scandal - n. A happening that occurs when a member of the media accidentally leaks a clear and concise truth in front of the listening public.
Wanna experience life as an Arizona Cardinals fan? Next time you're just about to have sex, don't. And then do that over and over for 60 years or so.
What does a word make you feel? AIDS. It's a cold steel-like word. It rings like a death sentence. It is realer than real. It is heartless and empty. It changes your ease, your comfort, even your blood pressure. People don't like to talk about it. People let an acronym that became a word, "AIDS" drive them to fear, to judgement, to embarassment; driven to silence.
In the rest of the world, if you have an accent, you are a 'world traveller'. You've seen things, you have different and rich experiences. In America, if you have an accent, you're a f&%#ing foreigner.
Readers sure to note mistakes
Tree falls in the woods
I would never tell anyone to drink or consume alcohol, but that doesn't stop me from doing so...
I guess I am the Rob Deer of comedy on the 'Chair. When I do hit 'em they go far (and often foul)!!!
For example - a person who wears a Lakers jersey and a Knicks hat IS a cross-dresser.
No seriously, it looks like it was stolen from Legoland and reassembled in a rock field.
My wife: (Who wants to try being a Cards fan, almost became a fan after a VERY drama filled and exciting 4th quarter) "that is why Football is stupid"
Top 10 lists are a low effort, high impact project. Cliches, gimmes and slam dunks until you get 10. Especially easy if you're not Antonio Alfonseca.
Slugging Percentage – n. A calculation used to determine what ratio of a player’s arrests are of the domestic violence variety.
Margo Dydek is a Redwood amongst Rose bushes.
Not just a player that has nice numbers, a player that has the 'ULTIMATE' numbers!
To represent the New York Giants, I used a miniature Statue of Liberty. Seemed logical.
To represent the New England Patriots, I used a pile of Plecostamus' (another aquarium fish that is a bottom feeder in the tank) shit. Fitting.
There are two definitions of the word Oral.
Yankees fans say "Stats don't matter! Throw the stats out... Ya gotta have intangibles! Like Montana, like Jordan. You gotta be a winner!" Educated Mets fans say "We have the best shortstop in New York"
The Zodiac Challenge pits sign against sign in order to determine which sign is the truly dominant energyforce in the Sports World today... or at least which one is second (hint - This is the Age of Aquarius).
"Hitting a Curve Ball" - What happens when you drink WAAAY too much or put the roofies in your own drink in New Orleans...
Color Commentator – n. A person in the profession of continually informing us of their abundant stupidity and pointlessness.
“…blessed me with the power and knowledge of darkness: That the purpose of life here is purely for us to enable evil. I have embraced that and serve my master completely. Causing suffering is what is best for humanity.”
Kinda makes you realize that Weird Al Yankovic really wasn't all that weird, huh?
Last year, I talked smack on EVERYBODY in my league; in posts on the league site, in person, on my blog, even through mental telepathy and voodoo.
I shrewdly stated that if we went out there we'd have to go home since they wouldn't let us back in. He countered my maneuver with a "I want to go home"... then it was on!
"Do you want to see the (with joyous, raucous enthusiasm) FOOTBALL!!!! GAME!!!? or do you want to (with depressed body language, quieting voice) gooooo hooooome????"
Do you want to see hot babes or world class athletes? If you're looking for 'hot babes' on a basketball court, clearly you have 'no game' to begin with.
The Sports Shaman sees "sports as an analog of the totality of the human experience", so while he doesn't care for the result of sport, he has always made high-level observations to the games I've had on when he was there and can seemingly tell things about the participants you and I would never stop to notice. He also recognizes the social impact of professional sports and wonders aloud "Are the players in sport key characters in the cosmic scheme or is it just a game?"
Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you, the REAL T.O.
You can't hate you some him!
I steal your will. Look at the box score again. You won't see a column called "Intimidation Applied". If there was, I'd lead the league.
Look, sports are supposed to be fun, but TOO many people look to 'SPORTS' to fill some blaring inadequacy in their personal being.
Error – n. An act in which the favored result fails to result in favor. There are two types of errors: misfortune caused by our effort and good fortune caused by our effort.
Message to the league: Amare Stoudemire is #1. Not just in your heart and on your replica jersey, but on the court.
My wife suggested I branch out from smacktalking in fantasy leagues, interviewing dead guys, giving extraordinary diet advice, proving the stupidity of people and spreading my free movie ideas as well as running 8 other blogs at once, when no one was reading them anyway...
Yeah, yeah - I've pissed off just about all of you. Maybe I should be on ESPN Since I suck so much.
Bias – n. A fervently obstinate opinion not in agreement with my zealous prejudice.
The best articles on ArmchairGM.com are Any Shameless Self-Promotion Articles!
Holy Crap?!?! You survived!!!
Thanks for perusing, skimming, absorbing, ignoring, reading, suffering, enjoying, torturing your retinas, testing your stomach's resolve or whatever description fits your personal situation best while tolerating this small offering and samplings of the self-anti-shamed ways and voluminous wiles of Manny Stiles: th' Komillion....
Long Live the 'Chair!!!
Peace and good tidings to you!