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Article:Leap Day Friday Fryer by "Special" Guest Writer Tyrone Briggs

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A look at the sports week's biggest losers…
A public service by guest host Tyrone Briggs on behalf of Christof

Undoubtedly, your heart just skipped a beat.

“Oh Jesus, what is Tyrone up to now?”

Admit it. That is exactly what you are thinking right now.

But a promise is a promise. And as I stated last week, I would indeed “do the deed” and provide some cheap thrills and toilet humor along with a South Parkian moral of the day for this week’s installment of {drum roll please} the “Friday Fryer”!

Zeke & Da Starbury
When is it a good time to mock the New York Knicks? The answer of course is all the time! Embattled Isiah Thomas has now ordered Stephon Marbury not to attend anymore home games.

What a great gig for Marbury. Seriously, name any other team in sports that would pay you millions not to work, let alone sit on a bench in street clothes and support your teammates while keeping your flippant mouth shut? Apparently that is just too much effort for Starbury, who admittedly has endured a hellish season due to personal matters and a season ending injury.

Owner James Dolan continues to lovingly shelter Thomas with his annoying philosophy of rewarding colossal failure with unshakable loyalty and financial windfall. This either reeks of extortion or just pure lunacy. Perhaps Zeke has the negatives that prove that Dolan was the unidentified shooter on the grassy knoll by the Dallas Book Depository. Whatever the reason, it is definitely bizarre.

David Stern should be more concerned with the affairs of what should be a flagship franchise for the NBA rather than persist with the quest to relocate the Seattle Supersonics.

Memo to Commissioner Stern: George Mitchell is bored and looking to nail another New York team’s hide to the wall. This might be worth picking up the phone and dialing the former Senator’s number. This Dolan – Thomas – Marbury hate triangle is one weird and twisted saga to say the least.

Wladimir Klitschko Boring Boxing Career
Does anyone really care about the heavyweight division in prize fighting anymore? If a “Great White Hope” such as Klitschko cannot generate excitement than this sport is really in serious trouble. And what is most tragic about this situation is the fact that this man can indeed fight. Built like an Adonis….. and sadly that is about it.

Despite towering over some other Russian dude (who the hell is Sultan Ibragmiov?), Klitschko bored the few dozen HBO viewers actually watching this 12 round farce by dancing around the center of the ring in his super cool red Boss trunks.

Despite throwing a few solid jabs, Wladimir seemed content to simply paw down his opponent. His trainer Emanuel Stewart sensed the boredom of the fans (and millions of dollars down the drain) urged his boxer to get a little more aggressive to no avail.

“Win the crowd!” Proximo once told Maximus.

Somebody please go rent Gladiator for Klitschko before his next fight.

Sometimes when you win, you still lose. Never was that more evident than this fight.

Mt. Carmel Tennis Club
I know what you are thinking.

Who the fack cares about the Mt. Carmel Tennis Club?

Apparently this tennis facility in Australia simply cannot handle the grunting of 9 year old Lauryn Edwards.

So adults did what adults normally do in kids’ sports.

And that is act like a bunch of jackasses by banning her from playing tennis.

In a modern age of couch potato, computer addicted {cough, cough} kids facing an international epidemic crisis of diabetes and obesity, you would think a child would be encouraged to engage in physical activity. But alas, that would make to much common sense.

This story reeks of a bunch of old men that cannot get Maria off their perverted minds while a little girl plays tennis.


Nice to see the stupidity of American mentality has transcended its borders and entered foreign territory.

Dubya would be so proud!

Roger Clemens
What is it with major league baseball players testifying before Congress?

Does Donald Fehr demand that all these ballplayers watch “Godfather II” prior to being grilled by overzealous, media hungry, soapbox preaching, suit wearing douchebag hypocrites from Washington?

Not surprisingly, a federal investigation has begun to determine whether or not Roger Clemens lied to Congress.

And not to feel left out, the FBI announced that it was conducting its own probe as well.

Of course Roger being Roger is not going to be dissuaded from what really matters and this of course, pitching and shagging balls with the Astros during spring training while spending a little time with his son, Koby.

How precious.

Clemens seems incredulous that the media would zero in on him by showing up to camp after his little stint on Capital Hill. And rather than just ignore the cameras, he decided that his interests would be best served by lecturing to the media that “it’s time to move on to baseball questions, please.”

Yeah, right.

And to make a bad week for Rocket even worse, reports are now leaking that photographs may prove that he was in fact at that Canseco party, after all.

Hey Rog, you forgot the magic word.


Anyone else smell a rat in the oil vat?

Clemens better find Andy Pettitte’s long lost brother before his next trip to Washington. The sooner the better on learning the art of “making an offer he could not refuse” as dictated by Michael Corleone.

Have a great weekend. And remember, despite our differences, we all have one common passion. And that is sports.

So play hard but with sportsmanship.

Until next Friday, AMF.


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