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Yo, new, knew, nu... noo-w-woo my name is Kneejerk so check it, me an my boy Gutcheck - that's G.C. if y'all don mind, we like to call things as we see 'em. Man, every'un spits mad fire when it comes to they sports teams and we no different. But it's like this; my boy don't say too much like I do but his words are deep an quick to creep upon ya. All I does is feel the moment and flow widdit.
So this is our thing. We write, we rhyme, we clock the time, we speak our mind and our flows are fine, so if y'all don mind I'ma step first in line and rippit one time, yo check it. 5 kneejerks and 5 gutchecks - das how we roll, oh ohh!
Kneejerk 1: April baseball
So baseball season started. Oh, my God it's over already! It's all over. The Marlins are 3-0 and headed for 162-0. It's over!
Kneejerk forgets and doesn't care that April baseball don't mean jack. ---hit 'em where it hurts GC!
Gutcheck 1: Detroit Red Wings
So you're the defending champs and you're trying to stay healthy for the playoffs. Smart. But it's gutcheck time. Do you have enough? Does your goaltending come up big or is it the end of the line for the ol' man?
Steady and slow might get you in the playoffs and sure, you're still the defending champs. As deep and mighty as you seem, we know you don't like facing the Disneyland Quackers. We definitely know you know you want nothing to do with those Sharks.
It's Gutcheck time, Hockeytown.
Kneejerk 2: Cavs and Lakers in the Finals
What? You didn't know? Check the time, homey. 100% all Cavs-Lakers, 100% all day. The Celtics are dun-dun-dun, the Magic have a little too much Disney in them to be fo'real and the West is wick, wick, weak after the 1 seed.
Will the REAL "the next MJ" please stand up? Kobe Bean vs. Bron-Bron. Everyone else knows it. Now you can too!
Kneejerk forgets that by the time you write it down, put it in an envelope and mail it to yourself, we'll be picking someone else. --- Watch you got, GC?
Gutcheck 2: Spank the Yankees
In this economy it's hard not to root for the little guys. Like when the Orioles beat the Yankees... until you realize the Orioles are owner by a rich prick too.
I know KJ likes to get things and make them seem too important in the moment but seriously, this is your Gutcheck moment, Yankees. While the rest of the world is out to get you and bury you as quickly as possible, you better figure yourself out. Yes, it's a marathon but there's no use falling flat on your face at the starting line. Especially when you have an injured hip at third base.
KJ, don't tell me you're ready to take a long term approach of things.
Kneejerk 3: Plaxico Burress is a bad, bad man
Damn, GC, dees fools don't know me do they?
Anyone named Plaxico SCARES me now! He's so mean and nasty! His scowl is ferocious and his contempt for the law and !!!gasp!!! lack of discipline is notorious. Fo'real! I'm afraid to look at my TV with both eyes when they talk about him.
I can't get within 10 feet of any plexiglass or I pee myself in fear. That Plaxico is evil I tells ya, evil. He should be banned from society. ---Yo GC, why we talking about bad men, let me roll with another 'un!
Gutcheck 3: You Phil-ing Me Yet, Tiger?
Lefty is the new #1. Got to be. Tiger's gotta win it all (or come realllllllly close in second when Phil wins) or the Buffalo Mickel gets the new #1 ranking. Finally after all these years of being second, Dill Pickleson can shed the bridesmaid label and step into the bride's dress all by himself. Does a green jacket go with white gown before Memorial Day?
I'm trying to give him some new nicknames in case you didn't get it. Leftyphil Secondpants needs to unzip and take a long, slow cop to see if he's got a pair. We all know Eldrick the Great is out to chop down the comp at Augusta on principle alone. If Tiger pulls this off just months after have his game stifled by knee surgery (can't be helpful in chipping in the eagles with Elin), it won't be remembered as Tiger doing his thing... it will be Phil as Mama Cass sings the Blues with a 9 iron.
Kneejerk 4: Tyler Hansborough has redefined awesome
Sure he's the most athletic unathletic athlete in the history of sports. So what if he can't dance? He still danced the big dance at the end of the big dance. Sometimes the geek gets the girl - like in the movies that are always better than the promos say they'll be.
Psycho T is a lock as somewhere between the #1 and #60 pick and will change the image of white guys playing basketball forever. It's so obvious, it hurts. So Blake Griffin goes #1... big deal. He'll be playing for a garbage team in the lottery. Hansborough will take his ability to be on a winning team to the NBA where he will... that's right... be on a winning team and erase years of damage to Caucasians done by Cristian Laettner, Mark Madsen, J J Redick and Chris Andersen. ---gee to the Ceeeee! ayaaa
Gutcheck 4: Jay Cutler
Well Jay, you immature crybaby you got what you wanted. On top of that, you got a real defense to keep you on the field and a real media swarm to make you feel important. Lucky you.
But it's gutcheck time! Do you have the stones? Do you have the nerves to stand in the eye of the storm and take the blame for the other 52 guys dressed like you? Football players run in cliques and word spreads fast around the league. if you quit on a group of guys, those who know about it will be waiting for you to quit on them too.
Now the Broncos have a rallying cry around a new coach and a new system. They got a chance to clear the cobwebs out and start fresh. Jay, you've just strapped a big load of bullseyes on your back and handed out free ammo. Maybe you are as good as you think you are and maybe a move to the NFC will make you look better too. But it's not all about you even if the ball is in your hands more than anyone else's.
Better wear a cup.
Kneejerk 5: You know who can be trusted? Terrell Owens
So he shoots his mouth off. So? Yo, dis guy never shot no body, never shot himself, never beat up his old lady, never killed dogs, never got arrested and never got busted with roids. And people want to treat him like he Lawrence Phillips or O.J... What? He even shows up for a voluntary workout! He never don that before! Maybe he's older, wiser and turned a new leaf. Not a Ryan Leaf, but a fresh start. He's 35. It's about time he grew up. Just in time for him to get his image repaired and show that he is a kind, caring, lovable teammate. Just like he always is for the first year he's with a new team!
It's different this time. Next season when he turns back into T.O. no one will care to hear it because the Bills will be below .500 and he'll be all washed up! ---Damn. See, Now I'm starting to sound like you again, with the wize and so on, GC... outti
Gutcheck 5: Drafts galore
NFL draft coming, NBA draftees announcing their intentions. MLB and NHL drafts are less than two months away. This is the time of year when we all focus on the possibilities of the future and then pin unrealistic hopes onto the shoulders of young men.
It's gutcheck time for all the brilliant minds to make sure they don't out-think themselves trying to outsmart each other. It's all a giant craps shoot anyway. 7-11, 7-11, 7-11...
-For the teams that mess up and crack under the pressure - enjoy the media making too big a deal about it in your towns. The explain it to your owners why you shouldn't join the unemployment line.
-For the teams that get lucky and have players fall into their laps - enjoy the future because you're lucky if you draft one player a decade that makes a true impact and stays with your frachise the entire time. Of course, you'll get all the credit and extra length added to your leash.
We make too much of these things. Sure, they are high entertainment but real men and women lose their jobs over what amounts to be hype and scrutiny when the end result gets lost in the shuffle. Enjoy the pain, Top Pro Sports Executives... this is where you get made and/or broken: the draft.
This is KJ and GC - till next'un