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Article:Kneejerk and Gutcheck: Rendition Numero 2

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Yo homeslice, we hit ‘em up! Cole chillin in da place to be it’s emcee Kneejerk and my homey GC, rockin da party, wreckin the mic, wreckin the keyboard with the sports ya like, ya dig, ‘dis be our gig and we rippin it weekly, so discretely yo' grip of tricks is coming up quite weakly. This just might be an invitation to delight thee, don’t incite me or I swing out frightfully to the fight-ly. Contrite, no, not me. But the Gutcheck shall deliver, with thoughts and provoking details to consider so don’t twitter, don’t fret, just place the safe bet, the daily double down of trouble Kneejerk and Gutcheck.

Kneejerk 1: Sharks and Bruins: Go'on. Print ‘Em Up!

Anytime you have two teams this good in a seven game series, they going sweep the whole thing until they face each other.

It’s not even a true knee ‘jerk’ (unless you count Jeremy Roenick as the jerk), it’s more like a knee flipout! Just like every NHL season, the best teams dominate the playoffs. The President’s Cup might as well be re-named the “Pre-Stanley Cup”, right? There’s no reason to watch until June. Bruins vs. Sharks – and everyone knows it. --hell yeea

Gutcheck 1: Versus Network

OK. I’m only going to say this once. You better do it right or are we are through! It’s not me… it’s definitely you!

You got what you wanted. You are past the “we’re still working out the kinks” phase and now it’s time to get walloped in the abdomen to see if you can still stand. If you can’t take it, you know the vultures are circling waiting to bring the luster back to the game now that the ill-effects of you-know-what are becoming forgotten. Do it good or get out, channel formerly known as Outdoor Life Network.

Kneejerk 2: Dwayne Wade is Dominique, LeBron is Michael.

Kobe is… in the other conference, so he doesn’t count.

Bear with me here. If you remember Sportscenter back in the days when Mikey and ‘Nique were top ballers, then you feel like you’re living it all over again. A little smaller, but similar. Anything you can do, I can do better!

LBJ and Flash both hit two weak assed franchises at the same time and carried them from the dregs to rise to prominence. Each player put up tremendous production but also stellar plays and highlights. LeBron’s fastbreak block from behind? Sick. Wade’s super human crunch time outings? Disgusting. Sure D-Dub has his C-ship schwag already but that was also with the Big Shadow towing the same hitch. If Wade carries this team to the Finals, he’s getting a trip to Springfield - prepaid.

I only hope they meet up in the playoffs so we can see who REALLYS got what, what, what?

There’s a few times in basketball history where you should have put your books down and watched without question. Mike from Wilmington to Washington. ‘Nique before the Achilles tear – or anytime before he donned a Clippers uni, Vince circa 2000. Larry Bird anytime it mattered. Magic with the ball. Dr. J in the air. Pistol Pete when he gave enough of a damn to actually try, etc… and then there’s this very moment right now. Bron-Bron and Wade Get Paid are livin’ electric.

The Draft Class of 2003 has had moments already (Your turn, Darko – and ‘Melo too for that matter), but the fruit is NOW on the vine and ripening and almost ready to picked. ---G.C. they trippin’ they trippin’ watchyoo gots?

Gutcheck 2: Memo to San Antonio Spurs; It’s an Odd Numbered Year

That’s actually the Memo, not a quote from Mehmut Okur, who is nicknamed “Memo”.

So Air Baldy is done for the remainder… so what? You still have the Big Lame-damental, you still have Tony Longoria and you still have Mountain Man Pops as your coach. The unis are the same, your bench is strong like it always is, you haven’t had surprise heart transplants in the past few months so you still have the desire to get your thumbs sized… and it’s an odd numbered year.

Let me cross streams of consciousness like the Ghostbusters… a little Rene Descartes, a little Denny Green… ok, come up here to the dais to scream at you: YOU ARE WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE.

And KJ and myself both agree on this thought - unlike the finest work of art in what will be the 100 year period surrounding the 1980s, Ghostbusters… you San Antonio Spurs are NOT Stay Puft Marshmallow men. You don’t need no damned Ginobili to win it all. If you have the guts, that is.

Kneejerk 3: Oscar De La Hoya, the Best Greatest of Them All Ever

The prettiest too. Golden Boy hits the showers… yeah, it almost writes its filthy self doesn’t it? ‘Nuff said until all those guys that wupped his ass – or would have, given a chance - get their chance to retire a few times. ---hey ‘check! What time is it?

Gutcheck 3: Greg Paulus, the Bizzaro-Charlie Ward

Greg, why did I always think you were related to Ron Powlus? You darned homonyms. Oh, now I know why! You both make wonderfully sucky back-up QBs.

First, I can NOT respect you as long as those YouTube videos are floating around with your mythical charge-taking abilities (search Paulus charge video if you don’t know). Granted, I never respected you as a Dukey anyway. I can’t see if you have the guts to take a hit from an NFL D-Lineman when you couldn’t stand up to the wind of a skinny college kid taking it to the rack many inches from actually touching you. I wonder what Bobby Hurley could have done on the gridiron.

Then again, maybe it WOULD be perfect for a ‘Packers QB’ to go down easier than crackhead bobbing for $2 bills. Maybe Mike Strahan can come out of retirement just to face you.

Truth be told? Good luck, Greg. It makes for interesting copy. But reality has this opinion: Better sack up, Greg… it’s gutcheck time. You ain’t getting plowed over by air in Cameron anymore.

Kneejerk 4: Isiah Thomas will ruin College basketball!

He’s a failure, he’s a scumbag pervert, he’s a black cloud over anything with a radar screen shot of his presence!!! Run for the hills!!!

OK, now we got that out of the way. He’s a Hall of Famer, he’s a college legend and one of the… 6-8 or so best point guards to ever play the game. Let’s be somewhat realistic!

Is he going to screw up Florida International’s distinguished program? Is he going to lead young, impressionable men far from the understanding the fine game of basketball or the ultimate of life’s lessons worth learning?

It’s a good thing. What’s the worst he can do? Turn FIU into a losing program? Overpay his employees and violate several of the ticky-tackiest NCAA rules? Try to OD on pills again? Sexually harass a recruit’s mother? Ok, well he could do all of that… and more. But doesn’t he – in this great land known as America – deserve a slight chance to overcome his past and create a new legend as much as any former college and pro star not named OJ Simpson? Cut the man some slack… not quite a Mailman’s-elbow-induced cut, but some…

Sure, he’s going ta screw it up but the least we could do is root for him to do well enough to get a more prominent job at a bigger school (Coach K can’t stay at Duke forever!) and then remember who he is and REALLY screw it up good. ---G.C., hit ‘em where they ain’t lookin’

Gutcheck 4: Oh, Boston Red Sox, Where Art Thou?

When the !!!Orioles!!! are running rampant and the Blue Jays are leading the AL East. Yet only three MLB teams (are the Nats really a “MLB team”?) in baseball have less wins than you do. One of those wins was opening day behind a focused Beckett. And now there’s no Josh Beckett next time and a half through the rotation to lean on. Get his head screwed on straight before you no longer can!

You better take a peek in the cup and see whether you need to wear it or not. Your run differential is not pretty for ANY time of year. Yes, it’s April but April is the worst time to start playing catch up. Especially in this division.

Kneejerk 5: We Lose Harry Kalas and gain David Wells, live on TV? It’s just not fair…

So TBS made the leap and gave the Kegerator a job. Thank God for wide screens with HD, right? It’s not exactly the same as Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football but it’s a long way from Charles Barkley on TNT. Meanwhile Steve Lyons is somewhere in a fast food restaurant trying to make a buck thinking what the f-word is wrong with this world… and by “make a buck” I don’t mean “he’s stealing someone’s wallet”.

But for those who can’t get over the recent rash of deaths in the baseball realm – hello? How many tens of thousands of people who are connected with baseball didn’t die? Life happens and at the end of it, things happen that we all seem to think is horrible. Deaths occur. There’s no curse on baseball, there’s no “weird stuff” going on. It’s just a collection of humans doing what collections of humans do.

But no one ever comes back to complain about death do they? Because if they do… we call Ghostbusters, bitches! ---We came, we saw, we kicked it’s ass!

Gutcheck 5: It’s Tax Day! It’s 2009! Prepare for the fallout!

If there was ever a way to get a star name in the headlines, it’s Uncle Sam to the rescue!

So many stars, former and present found their way into hot water messing around with the Tax Man. In this economy, it’s a veritable plethora of fuel stored up for the firestorm. Cheaters, liars and the downright greedy and stupid are going to cross the line with their signatures tomorrow. April 15. It’ll take a few months to sort out but if the men in the dark suits can take down Willie Mays Hays, who can’t they take down?

Economic down turn affect us all but it always feels better when the Jose Cansecos of the world fall harder than any of us could. I wonder if Uncle Sam could recoup some of what The Chemist owes by removing some of his ink work? We knew you loved needles Jose, but seriously… have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? As KJ would chirp, Cray-zizzy NuttyNuts.

Check, Check… Will the next Denny McClain PLEASE stand up?

'til we spread the read again...

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