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KJ: Wahddup? What down, what's going 'round? I keep hearin this sound so I gotto check it check it. Check it! Mic wreckin' and recollect it. The history writin a blank check for the present. I represent the KJ and Gutcheckin. Select it, it's a hit, kid. I ain't kidding, I jerk widda knee and I work with what I speak but don't take me so seriously, you see? It might be a gimmick but the skealls are fo' reals I jump with two feet into it, screw it.. this is how I do it! Ya dig?
Kneejerk 1: Stephen Curry, your #1 NBA Draft pick! Blake who? Yup. Curry is a proven commodity that will fit right into any NBA system. He's no tweener that will get manhandled down low and he doesn't have holes in his game that weren't exposed in college. Curry can shoot from anywhere - a commodity that never goes away! ---Take one, Check one, got one up inside your grill, lemon to the lime a black man on Capitol Hill
Gutcheck 1: Will the real Atlanta Hawks please stand up? I know Wade is Wade and you guys still play your home games in America's Crappiest Sports Town. But for real, who are you? It's time to put the big boy pants on and smoke these fools. YOU are the Atlanta Hawks! YOU scared the crap out of the Boston Celtics last year when no on else could. YOU are now in for a battle with a team that has no business being on the court with you. Joe Johnson, show some guts. Josh Smith, show some guts. Mike Bibby, show some team a reason to overpay for your services next year before it's all down the drain.
Kneejerk 2: Nuggets and Cavs in the Finals! Carmelo vs. LeBron! Just like we all knew it would be! Just like David Stern will make sure it will be, damn the ratings! Except the actual Finals will come down to Big Nuts Chauncey vs. Mo Money Williams. The Nuggets are going to plow through the West. Chauncey will destroy the Lakers just like he did in '04 and the Nuggets' bigs will more than handle the two softest 7 footers in the Association (Poof Gasol and Andrew "If I had a mind it would be elsewhere" Bynum) --Yeah, GC. Give 'em the bizness down there.
Gutcheck 2: Hey Ovechkin! Where's the 'Super' in your star? Gutcheck time, Capitals. Down 3-1 is usually not the best time to wake up. Sure everyone can point out your goaltending woes, but what happened to your ability to score anytime, anywhere? better bring some chutzpah or it's kaputzah!
Kneejerk 3: Pittsburgh Pirates!!! Break 'em up now!! They swept the Marlins!!! The Marlins were the best team in baseball until three days ago, so now the crown goes to the Pirates! The Pirates are on fire. Maybe all that media attention they got on CNN when some of their minor leaguers made some noise off the coast of Somalia helped. Should be a good year for the Buccaneers and Raiders, too. --Whatwhatwhat? I saaaaaaaid....WHHHHHHHHHHHUT?
Gutcheck 3: New York Giants... Take your dump or get off the crapper! Are you making a deal or what? If you wait until draft day to fill your vacancy at WR, you, I and everyone with a third of a brain knows you are going to blow it! You'll blow it! The clock ticking means nothing on 364 days of the year, but draft day ticking makes good GMs get stupid. Do your deal or move on! You're not making anyone sweat but yourselves. Give the Cardinals a call and forget about Braylon Edwards. It's one thing being foolish, but don't be stupid!
Kneejerk 4: There's going to be more tools at the NFL draft than at an Ace Hardware store!
back in the day (2004-2007) you could have a fun time with the buddies on Draft Saturday, drinking a shot every time a TV analyst used the word "Upside". Even downside has an upside. Just once I'd like to hear them say a guy is "going to not be very good" or "this guy is going to suck and be bagging groceries before his uniform gets dirty". We're going with "Tools" this year. I'm going to be wasted before the first round ends.
---Steppin to KJ and GC is lyrical murder!
Gutcheck 4: Matthew Stafford, good luck Somewhere between "David Carr" and "Jeff George" - That's where I got you, Matty Boy. Although your situation reeks of JaMarcus Russell. Maybe it's because you're going to a pathetic team like he did (I personally think the '08 Lions could beat the '06 Raiders), maybe it's the "physical tools", maybe it's having Daunte Culpepper around as your mentor (ha, ha).
Matt Stafford, wear a cup buddy. Now that the Lions have that nastier, tougher version of a lion as their logo, you will NEED it!
Kneejerk 5: "New" Yankee Stadium needs a beer named after it! Coors Lite Ice Stadium! That park is cold to pitchers! There's more bombs flying out of there than when my nephew plays Boom Blox on his Wii! They should just tear it down and rebuild a new one while the taxpayers are still willing to pay for it. Then again, it could simply be blamed on Global Cooling. ---Don't hurt 'em too bad, GC
Gutcheck 5: Phillies and Rays, weren't you guys good last year? OK, once again, it's only April. I know that teams that run deep into October tend to get slower starts but, isn't it about time you guys warmed up? It's not 1998 any more!!! In fact, the Angels had baseball's best record last season and they are off to a putrid start as well. Of the 8 playoff teams last year, only the Dodgers and Red Sox have a reason to smile at this point.
Special shout out to the Red Sox who took my advice on point 4 last week.
Now it's your turn to Sack Up, pennant winners!