Yo yo, three to the fo', mo on the floor, low to the flow, KJ backin in through the out door. We be chill, mics ta kill, sicka than swine illy, mouths be gaping facial expression lookin silly; sports to ya dome, leave the Amex at home, ya all are thrown, no boots ta roam, like ya venti wid no foam. It's just the bizness, feel me? what is this? A mess I bet you digest this and never ever ever regret this. The words, art. From my mouth to the keyboard depart. I ain't here to top the charts, I'm only here to speak from the heart! Kneejerk and my man GC you do you, cause this is what we be.
Kneejerk 1: Celtics - Bulls Game 7 will be one for the AGES There's NO WAY that game seven of a first round series won't be the best basketball game EVER.!!!!!! A series that is so meaningful and exciting as this? Yeah. Seven is heaven and this game will go not four, but FIVE overtimes! That's right! 86 lead changes and 300 timeouts so all the sponsors can get their share. Economic downturns deserve these events that exactly match the impossible hyperbole. Everyone knows this game will cause humans to evolve from having fingernails to being completely nail-less. All the cuticles will be chewed away by the third overtime.
My prediction: Celtics 123, Bulls 85 - 5OT. (You heard it here first)
--Yo G! It's Flava K Jave up in this motha-shut-yo-mouth! Show 'em whatchaya got! Show 'em show 'em whatchaya got!
Gutcheck 1: A little more horsemeat with your mint julep, sir? Hello, finest, most exciting two minutes in all of sports. Here's hoping you have the chutzpah to stand up to your critics with your finest season in decades. A triple crown winner is not necessary but it would get that ridiculous horse-riding monkey off your back (dog riding chimps are always more fun anyway). Put on the good show, gentlemen and well-adorned ladies. Do whatever it takes to avoid the scandals, the criminal elements, the fixes, the bribes, the drugs, the cruelty to animals, the humanity to animals, the treating animals better than humans, the underpaid and underinsured jockeys, the unions, the arguments over the track surfaces and the putrid pageantry at a time of economic suffering in this fine country. But don't worry about PETA! They are only loud when they need attention and besides at this rate, we'll eat them soon enough.
Kneejerk 2: Tiger will win 452 more majors in his career. Am I the only one who thinks Tiger Woods wasn't sent here to golf, he was sent here to find Sarah Connor? He's the greatest golfer ever. Well, until the next greatest golfer ever comes along, of course. Tiger will have his share of coattail Tigers soon enough. My Brother-in-law is working on one at this very second, duct taping a club to my nephew's hands. Once he can stand up and swing that thing, he's going to be great!
Gutcheck 2: Attention! The Tracy McGrady Playoff Round One Victory Parade starts at 2:00pm Congratulation, Ron Artest. I have always admired your willingness to do what no one else bothered to do. All that garbage you had with Kobe the past few seasons seemed to have a purpose after all. I'm hoping it's Rockets - Cavaliers in the Finals so everyone can bitch how the ratings will suck. Because no one (cough, cough, NBA's marketing shill to 2 billion Chinese) will care about (cough, cough, NBA's marketing baby King James) these two small market (cough, cough Houston is one of the 6 biggest markets in America) teams. Truth is, #1 seeds rarely meet each other in the Finals. Last year was the anomaly. This year will be the return to the norm: only one #1 seed in the finals!
Kneejerk 3: So when does the hype for the NFL draft start? There's anticipation, there's build-up, there's hype, there's dormant volcanoes awakening, there's blue balls and then there's the NFL draft. Is Mel Kiper cryogenically stored for a week before they thaw him out to start the cycle again? I know somewhere there's some draft geeknik scouting spring practice games adjusting his projected top 500 for next year's draft. I wish someone would remind these people they are not accomplishing much of significance; that the average NFL career is 4 years - or about as long as a college career lasts. Even after all that scouting, analyzing, preparing and hypothesizing Matthew Stafford still ends up the best pick of 2009? You are wasting your time, geeks.
-- Step up, Gut! You're nobody until you're read!
Gutcheck 3: If a NASCAR driver dies because of rules and regulations wouldn't it have been preventable?
It's coming. I'm a passive NASCAR fan but I enjoy a race every so often. Lately, NASCAR is catering to the gawker crash enthusiasts instead of the true race enthusiasts. The allure of watching a race is the horsepower, the thunder, handling the track, adapting to race conditions, the acceleration and the exhilaration. I don't want to see a body bag at a race. No one leaves happy when a participant in a sport dies. NASCAR is headed for a dark day. When they should be focusing on how to promote the sport of racing, they are a bunch of amateur Don King's praying for the spectacle to erupt. The train wreck; or in this case literally, the car wreck. Sure, no one can look away and crashes are exciting in their own weird way. But they take away from "the race" - the reason the event is held. When a guy whose name is completely unfamiliar to the passive fan wins the race because the best drivers were knocked out due to stupidity instead of competition, it's a downer. Having my own driver's license, I enjoy the art - by extension, the sport - of driving. Having personally been in a car accident and having friends die in a car accident, it's something I should think the sport's brain trust would go far into listening to the drivers' input to help eliminate at all costs. There aren't that many great race drivers to begin with. Do we need to lose one (or anymore) before we LET THEM RACE! Time to sack up, NASCAR before you kill a driver, kill your fan base and kill your sport off for good. Tick, tock...
Kneejerk 4: Break up the Ducks! Break up the Ducks! Yes, the Ducks have the stupidest team name in sports. When Disney sold them couldn't they have changed to the Canada Geese or the Swans? Those birds can be mean! Ducks? Reminds me of Daffy Duck or Donald Duck... maybe the duck on Tom & Jerry. There's no tough ducks in the world. Just once I'd like to see a duck that could defeat a shark. Back to the point: I want nothing more than for all 8 seeds to win every championship until pro sports leagues get the wise idea to expand the playoff tree until our pro leagues are just like the NCAA tournaments (minus the MOST logical sport made for a tournament format, football, of course - screw the bowls, do what's right!). For the Ducks to take down the #1, the #2 and theoretically, the #3 and the East #1 from the east? Beautiful. In fact, it's Inevitable!
-- GC, the sports fiend. After midnight he's just like a gremlin, feed him sports and he starts tremblin'
Gutcheck It's Number Four, so this #4 is about Number Four! Bret favre will look deep inside his gutless, black soul sometime between now and August and think to himself... I'm doing this one for Madden! Favre will flirt with the comeback. Count on it. Set your clock to it. plan your schedule around it. ESPN can NOT exist without some twitter-like blurb about what Something About Bret is doing. BREAKING NEWS!!! bret Favre bought 2 dozen eggs at the grocery store. Sources say he needs extra protein to train for comeback!!! If he talks in complete sentences with his kids' teacher at a parent-teacher meeting, he'll be attempting a comeback. If he gets a manicure, they'll think he's making a comeback. If he dies in a horrifying accident, ESPN will debate the chances of his ressurection before Training Camp opens up. Bet the farm on it!
So here's the teams that will listen intently if Bret picks up the cell phone: None as a starter, everyone but the Jets as a clipboard holder/backup/seat filler/media magnet.
Here's the teams he'll consider playing with if they pick up the cell phone: All of them. Including CFL, the USFL alumni club and intramural flag football teams the world around.
This summer is going to be OUR gutcheck! How much more of this can we take?
Kneejerk 5: A-Rod is a cheat! He's a Fraud! He's a Dork! Yeah, while all those things are true, he's also a Yankee. I said this about Barry Bonds, I said this about Mark McGwire, I said this about Hulk Hogan:
Shut Up and enjoy the show!
If you think sports need to be pure than wake up and go live on another planet. This is Earth. This is what Earthlings do. Sports are the escape, not the blueprint for how to live our lives. Guess what? MOST athletes cheat on the field of play. Always have, always will. It's part of the games! Getting into your oppenent's head to get any advantage you can IS cheating. Studying films to know your opponent's tendencies IS cheating! Nothing is pure in humanity let alone sports. Players cheat. Some do illegal acts (gasp!). The rest cheat on their taxes, on their wives, what have you. They are humans, not imaginary superheroes. Imaginary superheroes aren't real.
--Ya on point Gut? All the time, Check!
Gutcheck 5: The Flower wouldn't Snitch! Carmelo Anthony should be proud. Guy LaFleur might have the greatest gay porn name of any (allegedly) straight Canadian Hockey great ever (Toe Blake sounds flithy with the right inflection, too), sure. But not ratting out on your son? That is downright noble! Stick it to the man, Guy! Let's see if you have the guts to take on the Quebec Provincal penalty box. in reality it's a sad story but it's way too hard NOT to poke check some fun. Pardon me as I go off sides. Be ready to drop the gloves if you drop the soap. I hope you don't bend down into some high sticking. In your five hole. Keep the biscuit out of your basket! Who knew hockey was such a dirty game?