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Article:Jay Mariotti Now Hates DePaul Basketball

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Microwave

They've lost an entire generation of locals who have no idea who they are, where they play games, how they're faring, who coaches them, who plays for them and which conference they're in. - Jay Mariotti

It seems Jay is very bored these days.

Today's serving from the trough is simply a futile mental masturbatory exercise and sharpening of the pencil in order for the dwarf to practice back page blogging of the looming NCAA men's basketball tournament. And it is nothing more or less than a typical hate filled Mariotti recipe that has caused passionate sports fans painful indigestion and explosive diarrhea for the past 15 years.

The ingredients? Say no more:

Step #1. Reminesce Over the Past

Fictional mob boss Tony Soprano once proclaimed "Remember when" as the "lowest form of conversation". Perhaps that is why Jay ever so excels at recalling those good ol' glory days of way back when. When berating the Bulls, lusting over Michael Jordan is predominant. The Chicago Bears? Oh those glorious Sid Luckman games. The Cubs and White Sox? Well, Jay has always hated baseball in this town with a gruesome slight tendency to favor the Cubs after prime-time free agent contract signings. Today, DePaul is cited for not maintaining its basketball program a la the 30 years ago. The problem with any of Mariotti's cherished recollections of the past? He wasn't even here in Chicago. And yet the fraud continues. Pathetic.

Step #2. Blame the Coach

Somewhere down the bumpy and bi-curious path of Jay's childhood, a sports coach must have really laid into the young lad over issues un-athleticism and perhaps a negative self-indulgent attitude. After all, coach bashing has been Jay's trump card for bashing Chicago's teams since stumbling off the Denver departing bus. Even when coaches or managers win (beleaguered White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen), they are still substandard to the Mariotti superior intellect. Just as Lovie Smith is not Jay's love squeeze for Bears coach (that honor was bestowed upon Nick Saban) or Bruce Weber cannot recruit with the best of 'em (Kelvin Sampson), Jay unloads unsuspecting DePaul head coach Jerry Wainwright for not being a "big time coach". Whatever that implication insinuates exists only in the dehydrating gray matter between Jay's ears.

Step #3. Blame the Establishment

Long drawn out conversations have raged here concerning Jay's disdain for management which actually transcends the sports scene. After all, Mariotti bitched long and loud in the aftermath of Fag Gate for the Chicago Sun-Times not showing enough support (whatever that means). This false sense of entitlement has been a constant source of amusement for his colleagues. When a program slips or a pro team fails to live up to expectations in down season, Jay typically declares that the sky is falling while running for the security of his bunker. In the Mariotti Proclamation for Sports Success, it is so written that sports teams experiencing adversity should never be optimistic towards the future, fire everyone carrying a coach's whistle and spend colossal amounts of cash to buy free agents. In the proceedings of Mariotti vs DePaul, athletic director Jean Lenti Ponsetto is promptly stoned by the back page dwarf for the audacity of not believing that hurling fire and brimstone is the solution towards restoring the basketball program.

Step#4. The "Nobody Cares Anymore" Shtick

This must be a favorite ingredient of Jay's while salting away these freeze dried columns* for future reheating. Mariotti loves to paint the picture of a disinterested fan base completely at odds and disgust with management bungling over Chicago's teams. This routinely appears in tirades against the Blackhawks and Bulls. True to form, now the collective (and annoying) "we" don't care about DePaul basketball is implied with a "cavernous" Allstate Arena. Jay is really fixated on the concept of abandonment. Childhood repressed emotions and hidden parental angst can be so damn tragic.

Step #5. The "Big Picture"

Reinsdorf is too old and should sell his team to Jordan. I hate Sam Zell and when is Mark Cuban going to return my text messages? Ding dong Bill Wirtz is dead. Blah, blah, blah. The answer for correcting DePaul's woes is of course dumping the A.D., hiring a "BIG" name coach and leveling a couple of blocks in Lincoln Park to build a state of the art arena to feature the DePaul Blue Demons.

I'm sure DePaul will appreciate that multi-million dollar contribution from its new and beloved benefactor, Mr. Jay Mariotti.

There you have it, Cuisine a la Mariotti. Just pop in the microwave for 3 minutes, take 5 tums and enjoy.


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