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Article:In Which Jay Mariotti Lands a Geico Commercial

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Vernegeicko

Tyrone Briggs is a real die hard fan of the Chicago Bears, not a sports columnist.

So, to help tell his story, we hired that bobble head from Around the Horn.

TB: Jerry Angelo is working hard right now to try and improve the Bears' offense for next season.

JM: Five days into free agency, I still don't see a quarterback, a wide receiver, a running back or a protective front, though I do see a kicker angling for a contract extension because touchdowns will be pipedreams. I am not joking when I say tickets should be half-price, nor am I yanking your chain in suggesting they'll never move the chains.

TB: It would have been nice to have a wide receiver with Randy Moss' talent.

JM: Rather than throw money at Randy Moss when he was briefly available, they left you with just two wide receivers who have caught balls in the league. Can we petition the commissioner and ask if every down can be a kickoff, knowing Devin Hester has a much better chance of busting a return than the offense has of moving past midfield?

TB: There is still a lot of time to sign free agents, make trades and use the draft to improve the Bears offense.

JM: If the plan is to tank the 2008 season, maybe Angelo should announce it instead of tip-toeing through his petty, pathetic exercise of budget protection, which also claimed special-teams ace Brendon Ayanbadejo on Monday.

TB: It was a priority for the Bears to re-sign Lance Briggs and solidify their linebacking corps. Angelo was understandingly very busy securing Briggs to a new contract and can only negotiate with one player at a time.

JM: But Saturday night, while Angelo was boogeying to the Briggs news and forgetting about his offensive woes, Turner was being courted at a five-star restaurant in Atlanta by Falcons owner Arthur Blank and the franchise's new general manager, head coach and offensive coordinator. Shame on Angelo for not sending the private jet -- wait, the McCaskeys never would spring for a private jet -- or at least arranging for Turner to be in his hometown first thing Friday morning.

TB: Surprisingly, it turns out that Randy Moss never intended to the leave the New England Patriots.

JM: I realize there was less chance of signing Moss than Virginia McCaskey advocating the return of the Honey Bears, including all-nude Playboy pictorials. But over the weekend, Moss' agent dropped hints that his client might be amenable to a reunion in another city with quarterback Daunte Culpepper. And weren't they really screaming, ``Yo, Bears! You don't have any receivers! You don't have any quarterbacks! Sign us, you idiots!

TB: Jerry Angelo rebuilt the Bears from the ground up and the team made it to the Super Bowl. He deserves another opportunity.

JM: By any definition, that's offensive. And if Angelo doesn't figure out there are two sides flanking a line of scrimmage, he should start taking half a paycheck.

Jay the Joke. Real Bears fans. Real sick of the dwarf complaining.


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