What a week it was! The G-Men went into Dallas and came out with a win, leaving behind a crying TO hiding behind Morty Seinfeld's glasses, a dejected Romo whose vacation choices and timing will be questioned along with his 0-2 playoff record, a befuddled Wade Phillips who is for some reason blaming the refs for the loss not realizing that they could have called about 5 more false starts on his undisciplined line, and a plastic-faced owner with a blank stare and several thousand dollars in game tickets to eat. Arrogance humbled is a great thing. For them, not for me. I have to be arrogant, for the meek get killed in my line of business. The only time I'm humble is when I step out of the shower and can't spy my feet because of the bulging mass in the middle of my body.

On my picks, the gravy train momentarily stopped, but nothing spilled last week. Went a pedestrian .500 against the spread and on Best Bets, knocking the till down by the vig ($20). HOWEVER, check out the score I predicted for NE-Jax - - - 31-20! I know - a blind squirrel........ This week, I really don't like any of the games to bet, but prognosticators can't be pussies, we must step up and wager. And most of all we don't dance until the party is over or else you end up looking like this jackass:

Can we get a scoreboard check?

21-17. It hasn't changed.

I could go on for this all day, but let's not completely throw salt into the wounds.

Enough dredging up old WWF guys who threw salt, let's go to The Sheet!!


San Diego at New England (-14) - The last thing I want to see is an undefeated New England team. That was, until the last few weeks. Now the last thing I want to see having success is a pock-faced coach, a cocky-assed QB who had enough energy to run at and heckle fans but not take the field in the waning moments of the biggest game in his life, and a RB who has gotten increasingly more arrogant and whining this year. At least I know that Brady and Moss are good. I don't think rivers is good at anything but being a prick. But let's give credit - he's damn good at that. What's the saying - It's good to see arrogance humbled? PATS 35-10.

Giants at Green Bay (-7) - A man can think with his head or he can think with his heart. And when it comes to money, thinking with the heart will make it go almost as fast if thinking with the "little head". I want the Giants to continue their magical run, to continue playing with grit and heart, but there might not be enough healthy guys in the defensive backfield to do that. I have to be realistic and understand that going to Lambeau, the Frozen Tundra, in January when the temperature will get close to zero by the end of the game, is most likely a losing proposition, and I say, like Joel Goodsen said, "What the fuck" and go with the Giants in one last stand. NBC is going to be pissed they don't have this game. GIANTS 24-20.

BEST BET: ($200)


Last Week:

Straight up: 3-1

With Spread: 2-2

Best Bets: 1-1

Year to Date:

Straight Up: 180-84 (.682)

With Spread: 144-106-14 (.576)

Best Bets: 32-21-2 (.604) (+$1,110)

I lost the chance to go 100 games up in the win column vs. the loss column straight up since I'm 4 games behind and only 3 games remain, but we'll give it a try anyway. I also know that while the Giants win caught many people off guard (I picked them, by the way), the real shocker was San Diego winning. That game has to rank up with the biggest upsets ever, especially when people factor in that Indy was at home and SD was without 4 key players at the end of the game. This week a little know factoid - both matchups are rematches from Week 2 of this year. Alright, I'm done dispensing nuggets of useless info. To stretch the value of the sheet, let's examine the recesses of my warped mind for a little bit.


- I've never understood the thrill of running 26.2 miles, so don't even get me started on these crazy ultra-marathoners. Cars were invented for a reason.

- For the love of God, why is it that every person who wears an "Ass Message" on their shorts or sweatpants is either insanely hideous to look at or a Hispanic trying to look fashionable?The worst is when the two are combined and you can print, "Hola! You want a Piece of the Lusciousness Under Esta Pantalone?" with space still left over to the sides?

- Speaking of the unattractive and bad fashion habits. The next time I see some heifer in a T-shirt that says "I'm too Sexy!". The first thing I'll ask them is if the person they stole the shirt from is pressing charges.

- I'm not saying fat people need to use mumu's or smocks to cover themselves up, but do they really need to draw attention to the girth?? I don't wear shirts that say "Bald people do it with a glistening dome", or a shirt with hand prints on the sides saying, "Grab here and hang on".

- I'm so disappointed that after a night of shagging all I had to show for it were blisters on my feet.

- What is a second-class citizen and is it really bad to be treated like them?

- It seems like the term "monkey" can make some people go ape. Or do they go bananas?

- I'm not a prude, but who lays in bed and thinks, "Man, if I could just stick my greased fist into that person's orifice, it would be soooooo hot?"

- And that will be the sign of the apocolypse - if Vasoline comes out with an ad that says, "When you're in the mood for a little fisting...."

Enough debauchery for one day - just remember:

When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan.

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