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Well that was about as pedestrian a first week as possible. Nothing of note except that $110 flew out of my pocket on the Best Bets. I should have pulled a Costanza after the Giants won on Thursday and done the exit. Oh well, just time to shake it off.
Week 2 has an interesting assortment of picks. Is Chicago for real? Is Indy in trouble? Is Dante Rosario the next Tony Gonzalez? Is Tony Kornheiser still gargling Brett Favre's balls? These are all questions we need to hear more about.......
So without any further delving into Favre's pants, let's go to The Sheet!!!
Miami at Arizona (-7) - The Cards are 7 point favorites? Something about that is hard for me to stomach. I know the Fins aren't going to be that good, but the Cardinals seem to have problems putting teams away. I think I know who both teams are which is why I'm going to take the Cards to win and the Fish to cover. You want to crown them?? CARDS 24-21 (Fins cover)
Chicago at Carolina (-3) - Will the real Bears please stand up. Are they the misfits with a mountain man lookalike at QB, or are they a hard-charging bull-rushing defensive machine? I don't know right now which makes this game tough to call. I do think they match up well against the Steve Smith-less Cats, who will have a bout of overconfidence after beating the Chargers. But then again, shouldn't the Bears have that same overconfidence? Nah. They are Da Bears! Upset Special! BEARS 21-17.
Tennessee at Cincinnati (-1) - Kerry Collins is again at the helm and he gets to face one of the worst defensive team in the league. On the bright side, the Bengals probably don't care if they get caught mugging WR's, it is better than the assaults they partake in off the field. I think this is a Pick 'Em game, so I'll look for some help from a friend:
Looks like he's going with Penn St., and Collins was a QB there, so - TITANS 20-12.
San Diego at Denver (-1) - The Italians liked the performance that Cutler put in on Monday. Personally, I don't know how anyone could evaluate the players with such a shitty job being done by Mike and Mike and Dumbass in the booth. All 12 people who stayed up to watch the game had their ears mutilated as badly as the facts were. The Chargers could be in trouble if they go 0-2. I don't think that will happen. CHARGERS 28-24.
Green Bay at Detroit (+4) - What is the difference between Mr. Rogers and the Green Bay QB? One has a D. Alright, one is a cardigan-wearing, sandal doffing, pedophile in a make believe world where he moves fictional creatures by sticking his hand up a hole in their bottoms. And we let our children watch that shit. Ryan Grant is going to have more fun romping around than the King! PACKERS 31-17.
Baltimore at Houston (-4.5) - These are the pitfalls of week two games. The Texans were destroyed by the Steelers and the Ravens dominated the Bengals. But how much of those outcomes were determined because the teams they were playing were really good or really bad? If we all knew that answer, we could quit our jobs and get rich in Vegas betting one game a week. There is a reason you go into huge, massive palaces to place bets. Suckers have paid for that concrete. Concrete poured by rich, corrupt Italians. TEXANS 28-14.
Buffalo at Jacksonville (-6) - The Jags lost two offensive linemen on Sunday. They now have 4 out for an extended period. They haven't seen guys this serially injured since Tony Boselli's steroid use declined. Let's make one thing clear - teams with bad OL's do not win. Period. This is easy money. Take it before someone else claims it. BILLS 20-17.
Oakland at Kansas City (-3) - Ugh. Could the race for the #1 draft pick in 2009 already be underfoot? Please do not watch this game and if you do, don't eat beforehand. I, and everyone else around you is begging. CHIEFS 24-20.
Indianapolis at Minnesota (+2) - In the flip a coin game of the week, I have no clue who will win this one. Is Manning hurt more than we thought and dealing with a toasted WR in Harrison? Is Travaris Jackson a nimwit who can only run and throw the ball long? Do I just like to ask questions to fill space? I'll bet yes to all three questions before I'll bet on this game. Take the Colts just for the heck of it, but don't tell them I told you so. COLTS 28-24.
New England at Jets (-2.5) - The Favre effect is as much at play here than the absence of Brady. Here is a guy who floated up a pass on 4th and 13 to beat a team many think will roundly suck, and now they are expected to be a lock for the playoffs? Maybe I need to take a class in logic, because sportscasters obviously haven't. The Pats are still a good team. watch and see on Sunday. PATS 23-19.
Giants at St. Louis (+8.5) - I hate picking against home dogs, especially when it is their opener. You never should mistrust the emotion and lift the cheering can bring. Then again, my doctor also thinks I shouldn't drink as much. Let's just say that following advice isn't really my thing. GIANTS 31-13.
Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+5.5) - I keep wanting to think that the Browns aren't as bad as they looked on Sunday, but on closer inspection, they were worse than I thought. Dropped passes, missed coverages, poor tackling. That is not a winning formula for success even if you play the Raiders, let alone the Steelers. Cleveland might start 0-2 and worse yet, be winless at home. That's not good. STEELERS 24-17.
San Francisco at Seattle (-9) - Whomever placed this spread did a good job, because it is a frustrating one. Seattle looked horrid in Buffalo, but now they go back to a place where a bunch of caffeinated yahoos yell and scream like idiots. Shit, what else is there to do in the Upper Northwest besides supporting the Seahawks or hugging a tree? One is infinitely more fun to do, and it isn't a prerequisite to have hairy armpits to do it. Break out the pachouli. SEAHAWKS 28-6.
Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-8.5) - Another tough spread. Atlanta could keep games close this year because of their running game and their tough D. It isn't like Tampa has a juggernaut offense to break bulbs on the scoreboard. Ike Hilliard might be their speediest WR when Galloway's walker has a squeaky wheel. Take the points. BUCS 16-13 (Falcons cover)
New Orleans at Washington (-1) - The Redskins looked terrible against the Giants. I mean brutal. It looked like Jm Zorn implemented the opposite of the West Coast Offense. It was the run and stumble or the jog and miss. I don't think that gets fixed in one week. Danny Boy might have trouble figuring that out. He went 15-1 on Madden after dropping the first game. SAINTS 27-14.
Philly at Dallas (-7) - A huge MNF game. This is where we will see if the Eagles can stay even remotely close to the team everyone is Sharpie-ing into the Super Bowl. They won't win, but they might make Jerry Jones turn an even whiter shade of pale. That's right bitch - A Procol Harem reference! COWBOYS 23-20 (Eagles cover)
Straight Up: 10-6
Against Spread: 8-8
Best Bets: 1-2 (-$110)
Well, not much of note from a performance standpoint in Week 1. Thursday Night put us up 1 bill and we gave it back by the end of the week as the Chargers and Colts started out of the gate slower than a nag in the 7th at Belmont. This week, I'm taking two road dogs and a divisional favorite, so the formula for success is an odd one. But i'm an odd guy. At least so I've been told. Unless being an "odd egg" is a compliment. Yummmmmmm. Eggs. Remember:
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan