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So I'm back from an extended vacation out of the country using last year's winnings. Alright, because of the shitty strength of the dollar, it wasn't that extended. Still, I took my $1,110 in profit going into the SB, then added $500 to it when the Giants won, and took my 65% winning percentage and my $1,610 and scooted off to a remote destination where the pina coladas taste like the sweet nectar of success.
It is going to be an exciting year for the FatMan's Picks. No doubt our good friend from across the pond, Lansdowne, will be checking in at some point, and I'm sure we will have the usual tribute edition to pop culture, Frank Sinatra, Thanksgiving, or whatever loosely-tied theme the FatMan thinks up. But for now, let's just look above and see if The FatMan can impart his winners to us. Wait, what's that right there??
It's a sign from the Big Guy! No, not the dude in the sky, but FatMan!! Let's here what he has to say. Let's go to The Sheet!
WEEK 1: Washington at Giants (-3.5) - The Defending Champs step on the field when it matters for the first time since defeating the undefeatable, and yet since that time all I've heard is that they are one of the worst teams to win a SB, that they will suck this year, and that a fluke happened in 2007. Meanwhile, a lot of "experts" think Jim Zorn and the Redskins are on a rocket upward. Who hires these toolbag experts? Beating a team that nobody thought could be beaten should earn some respect points. looks like they'll just have to earn them again. This one will get ugly. GIANTS 31-17.
Coughlin says, "What the Fuck, experts!"
Arizona at San Francisco (+2.5) - I have to be honest, I'm in the dark on this one. I saw nothing of either team in the preseason, or given their geographic locations, I guess that should be "nada". Kurt Warner will bring his walker onto the field and probably still have more success than whomever SF trots out there. Who are they trotting out anyway?? JT O'Sullivan? Yeah, I see 2-14 in their future. CARDS 28-20.
Seattle at Buffalo (-1) - The Bills get to be home favorites in this one, but it will be a tough game for them. Seattle will be featuring a WR corps that I might have more experience than, and I'm about as fast as a tortoise. Still, the Bills are going to have problems of their own opening up holes or protecting Trent Edwards. The Bills do have one thing going for them - with JP Losman making the roster, they now have a surfer dude at QB for the 10th straight year. Hawaii must be proud. Here's to pulling one out for Ralph Wilson. BILLS 20-17.
Cincinnati at Baltimore (+1) - How bad is it for the Bengals?? In order to turn around their image, they made Chris Henry a team captain for the final preseason game and cut Rudi Johnson, one of their few model players. That sure looks like a team that wants to rebuild itself. How does Marvin Lewis still have a job? RAVENS 20-13.
Dallas at Cleveland (+5.5) - 2008 is a Crossroads Year for the Browns. Most people expect them to challenge for the division, but in past times, teams like this rise up temporarily, only to get smacked down to the ground like a piledriver from a fake wrestler. The year is already starting off with some minor injuries accumulating, and it doesn't help that America's "Darlings" are coming to town. Maybe the last image of Jerry Jones from last year might help...... COWBOYS 27-20.
Detroit at Atlanta (+3) - The more I see of Detroit, the more I think they will have a decent shot at winning this year. If their ancient QB can just shut his mouth and not make predictions on their win total, it will make it even better. Hey, Kitna - how'd that 10 win guarantee work out last year? LIONS 28-13.
Chicago at Indy (-9.5) - The Bears are an offensive mess this year. And just think, the defense probably didn't think it could be worse than when both Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones were in the locker room and the defenders all wanted to kick BOTH of their asses. Now those two malcontents are gone and the offense still lacks more punch than an O'Douls. There will be no Lovie-fest in 2008. COLTS 31-17.
Jacksonville at Tennessee (+3) - This is a matchup of two teams I couldn't pick right last year if you gave me the final score in advance. Tennessee is one of those teams that scrap and gnaws their way to close games, which is surprising given the dental makeup of the population. The Jags are one of the top defensive teams in the league, but watching them is like taking in C-SPAN while Congress is on recess. Push will come to shove, and I'm going to take the Jags in a close one. Don't put any money on this, as it would force you to actually watch the game. JAGS 24-19.
Kansas City at New England (-16.5) - No shine is off the Pats. Vegas is already swallowing Brady's trouser snake with more ferocity than Gisele. I have no idea what to expect from the Chiefs except that their coach is a moron. He must share a horseshoe with Marvin Lewis. Man that thing must be caked with brown fecal matter. PATS 38-14.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3) - Luckily for the Saints, there won't be a bunch of poo flinging idiots in the Superdome this week. But then Jeff Garcia comes into town....... Will they actually play this game or will FOX just show Katrina highlights in the time slot? You can never get enough of that. SAINTS 28-20.
Jets at Miami (+3) - I really don't know what to expect here except a bunch of people fawning all over Brett Favre. The Jets needed more than a QB to become better than average, yet everyone thinks they are legitimate contenders now. Perhaps a smackdown in Week 1 will quiet that? Upset Special from the Tuna! FINS 21-17.
St. Louis at Philadelphia (-7.5) - I think the Eagles win this one easily. the problem is the point spread. The Rams have enough firepower to keep this one close, and you know that McNabb's iffy stomach might hurl away a blowout. I'm taking the Eagles and hoping chunks don't start blowing my way. EAGLES 27-17.
Houston at Pittsburgh (-6.5) - The Texans might be plucky this year. You know, I really hate the term plucky. Nothing worse than a poultry descriptor to describe what is supposed to be a fierce fighting machine. But if I've offended a few macho morons from Texas, it might be worth using the term. What do you think about that, Ten Gallon Tex? STEELERS 21-17 (Texans cover)
Carolina at San Diego (-9) - The Bolts almost made everyone forget about how hideous Norv Turner's face is last year. But seeing past craters is tough business, and the Pats made sure this team with a mouthy, steroid freak at DE, an arrogant SOB at QB, and an underappreciated, egotistical guy at RB stayed home for the big game. We were all better off. CHARGERS 31-13.
Minnesota at Green Bay (-2.5) - Welcome to the Aaron Rodgers era. The last Aaron to play in Milwaukee hit it out of the park. The Pack are hoping this one will too. He;ll outplay Travaris Jackson, but that's like saying Roy Jones will out-box Butterbean. whatever happened to that pantload, anyway? VIKINGS 24-21.
Denver at Oakland (+3) - The second of the two Monday Night Games which means only people in Hawaii will be up to see the end of it. Who is the marketing genius that planned this? If I'm still up at 2AM watching this one, shoot me. Please. BRONCOS 24-17.
Straight Up: 180-84 (.682)
With Spread: 144-106-14 (.576)
Best Bets: 33-21-2 (.607) (+$1,610)
Well, there are the picks for week one. I say this every year, but this is the time to make the cash. Get on the bandwagon before the crooked Italians do. They are feeling out the public like little Johnny feels up his girlfriend at Inspiration Point. Find your thrill first, at Blueberry Hill. Speaking of food.... When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn To The FatMan!