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Article:Fantasy baseball and fantasy whores, an unfortunately friendly duo

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February has been going by pretty quickly which means March is fast approaching. At least in my mind, my addiction has almost completed the full translation from football to baseball. Basketball, you’re cool and shit, but I like you much better towards the end of the season, and I apologize.


Fantasy baseball is an entirely different animal than all of the other fantasy worlds. Fantasy baseball includes such a dizzying array of statistics, not to mention an entirely separate set of minor leagues, that I sometimes assure myself that I know absolutely nothing about a player as I add him to my roster (except that he’s doing well of course). Plus, he has to have somewhat of a cool name. I obviously take into account major stat categories but if I had to take a John Smith or a Chone Smith who’ve both hit 5 homers in July, I’d take the Chone. This is probably why I haven’t finished higher than 4 th place in the last three years of fantasy play but hey, I have fun, so whatever.

Although I’ve avoided them in recent years, you always get those baseball leagues that everyone is 104% ecstatic about being in it until the middle of May, and then have the people that tail off until the end of August. I absolutely and positively cannot stand these people. They are fantasy baseball whores, in my opinion.

They join a league for the draft, and for the sake of just knowing that they are in a league, even though in the middle of July they couldn’t name half their team. They might get that occasional flashback such as “Oh shit, I think I have that guy on my team” in the middle of the season which will in turn force them to check their team, once mind you, in a three month span. I do not like these people and I am sure we all have encountered them.

They are not found so much in football, since there’s action once a week but they do also exist in basketball, which proves that they are most likely incapable of completing any and all long term objectives in their actual life.

So if you could do me a favor and you have a friend (and I use that term loosely) who happens to be one of these fantasy sluts will you please, PLEASE punch them very hard and call them a failure to society. You know you want to and I absolutely guarantee you will feel like a better person afterwards.

Anyway, I felt this was a good time to kick start everyone’s collective ass and get them ready for the fantastic alternative universe of fantasy baseball. Even if you’re a fantasy whore, which means I want to throw you out a third story window, you should still be getting excited. Fore with everything great comes something bad and you at least serve a purpose, is what I always say. Or at least I just made that up and it sounded fairly cool.

In the coming weeks I will try my best to give the top 10 fantasy baseball players by position. It will not take into account sleepers, since there are always spies about. I don’t want to be giving away my genius assumptions about this season, now would I? I also know that this doesn’t fulfill most people’s needs as compared to the MLB as a whole, but if you have a problem, go buy a frigging magazine or something, because I don’t care. But please, stay tuned.

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