Breaking News!!! Holy Crap, it's so unbelievable!!!

How could they do it? Not the Captain!!!

Continuing the proud tradition of this and that, it's time to take a look at something fresh! "Breaking news" because it's not broken enough!!!


Ha! Like anyone would really want him... (photo doctored by Too Manny Stiles for your enjoyment)

Derek Jeter TRADED!!!

... for the rights to tangibles to be named later this season. Yanks spokesman releases statement that trading Jeter ensures he might now have a chance to win a World Series in this Millenium, too.

Movie about George Steinbrenner to air on ESPN

... Weekend at Georgie's will portray slapstick comedy, hilarity and lots of shots to the groin of a dead guy while his sons try to make everyone think he's still alive. George Steinbrenner to star as "Georgie" once the rigor mortis releases...

New England Patriots to be sued

... by all of their fans that kept yapping on about how they were going 19-0.

Boston Red Sox to be sued

... by producers of TV show Dynasty. Lawyers for the TV execs state that a team really should win more than 100 games in a season some time in the last 60 years to even dream of being called a dynasty.

In other news: New England Patriots are still undefeated!!!

... so far in 2008. But only in non-Super Bowl games.

More news yet: Bill Belichick caught cheating again

... parked in handicap space and jaywalked to a mattress store where he proceeded to videotape himself walking through and cutting the tags off. No word if any hoodies were harmed.

Roger Clemens is in trouble again

... his lawyers state that he misremembers what "misremembers" means.

Sidney Crosby breaks leg

... at a local charity playhouse. Nails the role of "Wayne Gretzky's bitch" in Get in Line, Bitch according to critics. Wayne Brady plays role of Wayne Gretzky to surprisingly lukewarm reviews.

Barry Bonds fails another test

... panicked and did not follow instructions as emergency broadcasting sytem notified viewers of it's monthly test.

Kelvin Sampson gets new job

... and can offer you free weekend minutes if you go with the two year plan.

Tyler Hansbrough has number retired at North Carolina

... makes sense. Who else would wear a stupid number like 50 in college basketball anyway?

C.A.R.T and I.R.L. merge in groundbreaking deal

... as a magic Silent Tree falls in Deafman's Woods

Shaquille O'Neal gets last laugh

... Kazaam 2 is finally released on DVD. Also says his batteries are rechargable, changes nickname to Big BioDiesel and promises to fart less to show his environmental consciousness.

John Wooden is dead!

... DEAD TIRED of hearing about your fantasy teams. (Oh, great... I just killed him, didn't I?)

Tim McCarver is dead!

... DEAD TIRED of... aw shoot, I'm just hoping that it only works once - the second time. I like John Wooden! OK, I'll settle for McCarver's career being dead. Maybe have someone stab him in the throat? Nah, then people will make tributes to him... Dammit! Where's Deion Sanders when we need him?

Guess what? It turns out Ted Williams' head was never frozen properly!!!

... and now he's REALLY pissed!!!

Mike Gundy goes on tirade

... after dreaming on Monday that he underwent gender reassignment at age 13, he awoke to find he is still a man, he can still handle it but is now 40 and a half.

Brett Favre holds press conference

... gives reporters an update on his retirement - shares Cajun recipes he's concocted using Wisconsin cheese and thinks about Mary from time to time; misses Warren.

Larry Fitzgerald signs big contract extension with Arizona Cardinals

... takes check to bank immediately and cashes it before it bounces.

Elijah Dukes and Lastings Milledge co-release new album

... titled Smackin' XBH, not Women includes soon to be classic hits as "I thought you said you were 18", "Another Road Trip, Another Baby Mama" and "Don't worry, there's worse criminals in this town than us"

Isiah Thomas wins award

...for hosting World's longest running prank joke on Punk'd at the expense of the Dolan family. Ashton Kutcher could not release a statement as he was too busy playing for the Utah Jazz

Los Angeles Kings really suck

... ok, this one is 100% true.

NBA replica jersey sales up among certain demographics

... a limited edition pink Booby Gibson jersey created to raise breast cancer awareness does surprisingly poor while Rudy Gay jokes really aren't that funny anymore now that he's good. But Wang Zhi Zhi still sucks, right?

Rutgers Women's Basketball team falling in rankings

... lack of hustle, lack of defense and not enough nappy headed hoes on roster this year partially to blame.

Anna Kournikova to play for St. Louis in TeamTennis Pro League

... apparently, offers to pose nude are drying up.

Josh Beckett not going with Red Sox to Japan

... says he really doesn't want to meet Dice-K's family, doesn't like the in-flight movie or Chinese food and he would rather stay in Boston and talk politics with Curt Schilling. It IS an election year - if you haven't heard yet...

John Madden to speak at least 40% less words in 2008

... now that Brett Favre is retired.

Los Angeles Lakers lead Western Conference

... in pinky swears, false bravado and unrealistic expectations for the month of March. Andrew Bynum due back to foul up Phil Jackson's rotation sometime before Kobe's next whiny bitchfest.

Arena Football League enters 21st season

... continues streak of 21 years without a game outdoors. Take THAT, NHL!!!

Lawsuit against Randy Moss dropped

... after he beats the bitch up for suing him.

Tampa Bay Rays to play well this season

... as part of an elaborate year-long April Fool's joke where they make the world into fools by flipping the AL East standings upside down and for not listening to a certain psychic blogger

Freeking Disclaimers

  • Do not ingest this post nasally, aurally, navally or anally. Your monitor is much too large.
  • Reading these disclaimers may cause headache and brain trauma if you attempt to read them while hitting yourself with a large wooden mallet.
  • This post contains less than the USRDA of Vitamin Ampersand
  • People under the age of 10 months shouldn't know how to read
  • Never eat a homeless person's toenails
  • Yes, your epidermis is showing. But GOD help you if your epididymus is!!!
  • If you fail to heed these warnings you risk the possibility of having a drunken Joe Namath try to kiss you.
  • This post contains less than 17.3% real sports; but 100% of that less than 17.3% is still 100% of that less than 17.3% and don't you forget it!

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