Sure by now everyone who’s a basketball fan knows that a few days ago Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony was pulled over under a suspicion of a DUI and then escorted home by a few fans police officers sans handcuffs. Seeing this as a can’t miss managerial opportunity the Denver Nuggets have decided to bypass playing their last two games and just let the Denver Police usher them into the playoffs.
Why play basketball when you can just have the cops escort you to the playoffs? Think of how easy a championship could be attained if their were cops everywhere tasing the likes of Steve Nash, bludgeoning the already haggard knees of Shaquille O’Neal with their “rally sticks.” Why stop there when they could call their friends at the INS on Dirk Nowitzki? Maybe they could arrest Tim Duncan for boring fans to death with his personality. And as for Kobe, they’ll just cut a deal with the girl at the front desk of whatever hotel the Lakers are staying at. Kobe kinda finds his own trouble.
The Denver cops and the Denver Nuggets working together to build a better community! Can you say championship? Seems like a good idea to me. I mean why should police officers and professional athletes be held accountable for their actions? Let them do whatever they want because it’s not like kids look up to them as role models and it’s not like we all pay the police officers their salary--Actually, come to think of it…
At a press conference Melo scoffed at the notion that a fine or suspension would be doled out by NBA officials following his 4 a.m. joyride. “I got in the car didn’t I? I failed those sobriety tests didn’t I? With the money I make I coulda chartered a helicopter to come get me at the bar, but I figured 'I’m Melo, an athlete on billboards all over the city! No cop is gonna arrest me. I’ll just be extra careful and throw the high beams on.' There’s too much money involved for the NBA to try and make a statement at such an important time in the season. Nobody will say another word about this till after the season‘s done.”
Given David Stern’s track record of being notoriously lax when it comes to punishing his league’s players over the years it would appear that Carmelo may have a point. It seems an all out brawl on national television is all that actually jars the NBA’s Commish to take action against his sometimes unruly employees. Why wouldn’t the players of the NBA walk all over him with their $200 sneakers? The man’s got more Nike imprints on his forehead than Antoine Walker.
“You know David Stern” said a laughing Anthony. “Anything that put’s money in the pockets of basketball owners come playoff time is OK by the NBA or the “No Blood Alcohol” league. With the Western Conference getting ready to make boatloads of cash in TV ratings this playoff season someone would have to punch a guy in the face to get suspended this time of year and trust me, I should know. I mean just the name David Stern is kinda ironic given all he‘s let slide over the years isn‘t it?”
Reporters wrote furiously for a moment and then suddenly stopped. It seemed that Melo might have ground to stand on after all.
Unfortunatley, before his comments could really sink in, Anthony kept talking. “It’s a good thing that someone like Roger Goodell wasn’t in charge of the NBA or otherwise I might not get the chance to be a part of the playoffs this year. You know things like public and personal safety aren’t half as important as a championship ring. I mean a ring is a ring and a human life being extinguished in an alcohol fueled car crash--Well, humans springing up everyday in hospitals all over the place. I can buy a human being on the black market for straight cash son, but a championship ring only comes around once a year! It‘s all about the bling and the ring in the NBA. Oh and getting away with handfuls of misdemeanors."
Asked if he thought the on-court police presence might help in finally fending off the Warriors for the final Western Conference playoff spot, Nuggets guard Allen Iverson stepped in and became visibly upset.
“Cops. Cops. We talking about police officers here. It’s easy to talk about being a franchise player with a disregard for the sobriety laws and personal safety, yet we here talking about cops. I know they important. We talking about cops. We ain’t talking about the game, we talking about cops right now. It’s strange to me too, we ain’t talking about DUI’s here, we talking about cops helping in the playoffs. How’s Melo gonna make his team better by not getting drunk and getting us cop escorts? We need these guys to help us get into the playoffs. I mean $20 million a year on each of us and it’s become damn obvious we can’t do it ourselves. Cops should help make me and Melo better team leaders. And I do anything the front office wants as long as I don’t gotta PRACTICE. ”
Anthony then chimed in “Yeah I’m a leader. I’ll lead you all the way to two for one Jager Bomb night.”
We at the Blue Monkey Disco Party will drink to that Melo! We know your just so damn busy playing your "game" that some of you athletes just don't have time to obey the law. Of course we'll just use some of our $80 million dollar contract to catch a cab home.