Wondering what team to go to? Having issues with the media? Want to know how to stop looking like an asshole? Megara is here to help (I could have gone with Megness, or Meggles, but Megara sounded cooler and smarter, as if I actually know what I'm talking about).

The first letter comes from Brett in Mississippi...

Dear Megara,

I absolutely love the game of football, probably more than I should. It's everything to me. After last season, one game away from the Super Bowl, I decided to retire at the age of 38. I had been thinking about it for the last few years, wondering if I could still play, and I finally decided it was time to hang it up.

But I really don't know if I made the right decision. Of course I love hunting and spending time with my family, but I got an itch. I miss my teammates. I miss playing mind games with Aaron Rodgers, and getting on his ass about his haircut. I miss acting like a little boy, on and off the field. I miss throwing interceptions, and making them seem like something positive. I miss being a reckless gunslinger.

But most of all, I miss you all, the people who write and talk about me. I miss John Madden and Peter King and Chris Collinsworth; it's like I'm their own son the way they talk about me. I love toying with you with meaningless text messages, statements from my mom, and going back on my word. It's become such a fun tradition for me, just waiting for the perfect time to tell you whether I'm retiring or not. It makes me feel so good when y'all talk about how great I am and how much you love me. It was the icing on the red velvet cake when I was put on the cover of Madden '09.

I love being the center of attention, but I really don't know if I can keep up with the grind of football. Should I do the honorable thing and keep to my word, or should I follow my heart and come back?

Sincerely, Brett


Dear Brett,

I know this must be such a confusing time for you. You said it yourself a few months back, that you know you can still play, but you don't really want to. It is a conundrum, indeed. People change their minds, and you are entitled to do so. I'm sure fans in Green Bay would love to have you back.

But if you really meant what you said when you retired, you shouldn't come back. Your legend has been based on your love of the game, and the fun you have when you play it. If you don't want to play anymore, then your play may suffer. You may become bitter and call out your teammates, like you did a few seasons ago with Javon Walker. Unless you've rediscovered your love of the game, then stay home, enjoy your family, and enjoy football with the rest of us.

As far as being the apple of the media's eye, it shouldn't be too hard. Play some golf, start a charity, maybe be the latest personality on Fox's NFL Sunday. But let it be legitimate. Don't make sketchy comments to the newspaper, don't do sports talk radio, just play it safe. Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself. You are already a media God, don't do anything to tarnish your legacy. Be yourself, but think about what you say before you say it.

We love you for being a football player with a fun personality. If you want to leave it that way, enjoy the easy life, and embrace football the same way fans do.


Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.