Butthead and buzzcut
There have been a few articles lately about the woes of various cities, so I thought I would pitch in with my Dallas sob story. But first, a disclaimer: I am fully aware that historically I have nothing to complain about. We've got five Super Bowls, a Stanley Cup, an NBA Finals appearance and multiple MVPs. More often than not, we've been competitive.

But recently, we haven't been so lucky. Oh, there have still been successes, but we've been kicked in the jimmy quite a bit lately.

A quick aside: Hey you, Boston fan. Yeah you. Shut up. Quit crying about the NBA Lotto. Maybe those three shiny new Lombardi's and the Sox breaking the Curse have spoiled you, but the NBA doesn't owe you a top two pick. It isn't your birthright. Deal with it. Isn't it bad enough that we endured your blatant tanking? Must we endure the crying now, too? That New York fan you despise? You are the same dude in a different color personalized jersey. Go get a tissue and blow your nose, and when you're done, feel free to foe me. And Bill Simmons, the front of the line is reserved for you.

Let's start with the Cowboys. When Tony Romo stepped in, it looked like the stars might be aligning. So to collapse in December like they did, followed by a mishandled snap on a chip shot of a field goal against Seattle Seahawks in the playoffs, was a little hard to take. It was good news when Parcells left, but underwhelming when Wade Phillips stepped in. Dallas politicians actually managed to not sabotage the Super Bowl bid, despite their best efforts, but I'm not counting on the Cowboys being the first team to play at home for the big one. Overall, three jimmy kicks.

Next up is the Stars. This is probably the mildest because they had an average regular season and lost in the playoffs as a six seed to a better team. But to tease the fans by winning three straight only to lose in Game Seven was a little cruel. If you were told that your goalie would get three shutouts in a best-of-seven series, you'd take that, wouldn't you? Me, too. One jimmy kick.

The Mavs. What's left to say? They had a historic regular season and followed it up with a historically bad playoff performance. You might say you'd take 67 wins every time. I say 67 is an insult after the first round choke. Four jimmy kicks. Ouch.

But the worst comes from the Texas Rangers. The Rangers, you say? They didn't tease you with success only to fail miserably in the end. No, this is more a tale of what might have been.

The last (and only) time the Rangers were really good, their general manager was Doug Melvin. But after three playoff series losses to the Yankees he was fired and John Hart began running the team into the ground. Before last season, Jon Daniels took over that role and has continued the process. But at least he found a different way to do it. Under Hart, the team was neglected-Daniels trades the team to death.

Doug Melvin? He has assembled a team in Milwaukee that is tied for the second best record in the National League. Milwaukee!

To make it that much worse, another candidate for the Rangers GM position in 2001 was Dave Dombrowski. When he didn't get the job, he took over in Detroit and remade a bad team into World Series contenders in five years.

But don't think I'm placing all of the blame on the GM: the managers have done their part as well. It appears that the Fire Showalter Blessing isn't going to come true this time. And Ron Washington sure was contagiously enthusiastic in his interview and throughout spring training, but it sounds pretty hollow now that they have the worst record in the AL and second worst overall. We'll never know now, but I thought homegrown Trey Hillman would have been a better hire at the time. Overall, I give it five kicks in the jimmy.

Maybe Griffey should have given his jock strap to a Dallas resident.

Also published at 110 Percent.

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