Most insipid denial -tie, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, despite the fact they faced, respectively, federal indictment and a congressional hot seat.  Fellas just drink some coffee then go pee in a cup.


Most notorious use of profanity -that manager for the *bleep* Chicago White Sox, that *bleep* in *bleep*…when Ozzie Guillen rants and the censors bleep, it sounds like Morse code being tapped out by an epileptic.


Most colorful use of house pets -Michael Vick is such an animal rights activist he lovingly equipped his dog kennels with treadmills.  What a nice guy.


Worst vote of confidence -Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels and their endorsement of Vick.  Who knew they were property law scholars?


Probably shouldn’t but I can’t help myself -I think Isaiah Thomas just grabbed my ass, no wait, it was Woody Paige.


Best fight -Carlos Zambrano vs. Michael Barrett…check the YouTube video, absolutely freakin’ funny!


Biggest upset -Joey Chestnut beating the immortal Takeru Kobayashi at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Epic stuff!


Even the British went, “Huh?”- to the NFL in London.  Bad idea.  Until the British learn comprehensive dental hygiene nobody wants to see crowd shots of angry sports fans that look like they just ate a flat of Oreos and drank a gallon of tea.


But then maybe the Brits are on to something -Manchester United, you know, David Beckham’s former team, is worth $1.5 billion, according to Forbes Magazine.


Best/worst reversal of fortune -Scottie Pippin mulling a comeback because he’s flat broke.  How does Bill Wennington have more money than arguably the best small forward in NBA history not named Larry Bird?


Worst idea -ESPN’s not notorious and cheesy “Who’s Now?” promotion.  Sports fans worldwide stood in outrage as the bible of sports networks rolled out the unhippest, dumbest, most asinine and foolish glitz fest the network ever foisted upon an unsuspecting public.  Adjectives do not begin to encapsulate the sheer folly of this snoozer.


Don’t look at my package award -goes to Tim Hardaway, oh ye of the “Fags can’t look at my junk” rant.


Halleluiah - Amanda Beard in Playboy…um, er, umf, suddenly lost my train of thought…except to say lil’ Mandy is spankarific!


Father of the year -Chris Benoit (sorry, couldn’t resist)


Father of the year Pt.2 -Travis Henry, who has sired more pups than Seattle Slew, actually had to borrow money from the Titans to pay his support obligations.


Cranial/rectal reversal -Don Imus, and the fact this unfunny hack has been a radio behemoth for thirty years just defies comprehension.


Hand caught in the cookie jar -Tim Donaghy, Tour de France, Rick Tocchet, ATP & WTA, the now famous Mitchell Report list of pill poppers and needle pushers, Bill Belichick, Rick Ankiel


Really?- the inaugural season of the Israel Baseball League is announced.  On a side note, league officials okay the use of instant replay but only to determine if the ball lands in the proper bomb crater to be considered a ground rule double.


He’s a bad man -nobody, I mean nobody, can beat Floyd Mayweather Jr.


Thank God -the NFL announces that the NFL Europa will cease operations.


Sport is dead -in south Florida.  Their respective pro sports franchises and the once mighty Miami Hurricanes football program are stumbling around like a fat sorority girl after a fifth of Jagermeister.  Normally for this kind of futility one must travel to Cleveland.


Over exposure -Victoria Beckham and her now mercifully defunct reality show.  I guess there is a limit to what reality television this country will stomach.


*cough* Give me a minute *cough* got to catch my breath *weez*- Yes ladies and gentlemen, the erstwhile Ricky Williams is contemplating a comeback, and word is he’s hired Nate Newton as his trainer.


Who knew -the Asian Winter Games were held in China in January.  Goes to show you hockey and curling are universally loved by all nations.


All Geritol club -Randy Couture, Vinny Testaverde, Brett Favre, Zidane, Roger Clemens (I know…but the cat is 43), Morten Anderson


Serves you right -as penance for subjecting the United States to the macabre dance that is the Beckhams, Man U loses to Chelsea in the FA Cup.  Too bad Real Madrid didn’t suffer the same fate.


Lucky bastard -Dario Franchitti wins the Indianapolis 500 and gets to cozy up with Ashley Judd that very night.



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