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Article:Atlanta Hawks Roster Break Down Through the Employees of the Office

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post originally appeared here at Hawks, Dawgs and Jesus


A few months ago I saw a great post on how Arrested Development explained the SEC. I thought about ripping off that post completely but a) having to dive back into Arrested Development may reopen wounds over their cancellation and cause more harm than good and b) that seems like plagiarism or cheating or adultery or something.

But i realized the cast of The Office breaks down the Hawks roster with excellent precision. Probably because the writers of the Office hone in on ridiculousness for the sake of humor while the Atlanta Spirit do so out of the natural essence of their being.

And so on this long west coast road trip where you may not have a chance to watch as many games as you do normally allow this post this post to reacquaint you with all the glory and awesomeness that is the Hawks 2007-2008.

The post is long but so is the season. So get off of me.

Joe Johnson is Jim Halpert

Sure he is the all-star. Sure he makes the most money. Probably more than his boss (def. in the case of Jim. Not so sure about Joe. It only seems fitting that Mike Woodson would make 15 million a year) but both need to know they gave up glory (Phoenix and New York respectively) for the sake of the girl. They wanted to be the big fish in a small pond. But I mean seriously you work for Dunder Mifflin by your own choice. Yes, you’re the best, but you need to come every day and act like it. No more Eeyore pouting or exasperation looks to the camera. Ok fine, Joe Johnson has no looks but Eeyore but if he did, the would be the Jim “did that just happen?” look.

Quote Capsule:

Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Salim Stoudamire is Ryan Howard

Salim and Ryan like to think they are better than everyone else. But just because you are the smartest player on the team or in the office doesn’t mean you get to sulk because your role doesn’t reflect that. Yes you write poetry, yes you are articulate, yes you shoot well, but you still can’t play defense. and you're not tall.

That all being said, these two get shat on pretty bad. Maybe because of his attitude, maybe because Woodson sucks, but Salim doesn’t even have a role to fit into right now. And it is safe to say as a temp Ryan was a lost soul.

Quote Capsule:

Dwight Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you. Ryan Howard: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Josh Smith is Dwight K. Schrute

You really only know Dwight is great at his job from one episode. When Jim and Dwight tag teamed a sales call, Dwight demonstrated the dude could sell paper. Too bad he is completely crazy. The Schrute clan has fed him so many lies and created so many idiosyncrasies his talent as a paper salesman barely ever gets noticed. The inspector can drive on most anyone and block unblockable shots. Too bad he is crazy and takes jump shots.

Also, you know the inspector is itching for the opportunity to be the number one. Michael is only safe as long as Dwight is crazy because Josh is an all-star if he ever gets out of the Looney bin. Joe has a much smaller ceiling.

Quote Capsule: Dwight Schrute: I'm going to be your new boss! [chuckles] Dwight Schrute: It is my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now, check-out time is never. Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable? Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire. Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms? Dwight Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town. Jim Halpert: Can I have a late checkout? Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager. Jim Halpert: You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy? Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan! Jim Halpert: Okay. Just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell, and you are co-running a bed-and-breakfast with the Devil. Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet. Jim Halpert: Go. Dwight Schrute: Eighty *thousand* dollars a year.

Marvin is Angela

Angela is hot. She has everything you’re looking for. Smart. Steady job. Good looking. All the outward measurements are there. Jay Bilas would pick her number one in the draft no doubt. Too bad she is so uptight she can’t reach her full potential.

Quote Capsule:

Dwight Schrute: [ Talking quietly to Angela with Ryan nearby, trying badly to hide their affair ] What about that meeting later to... discuss finances? Angela: Yes... but don't expect any cookie. Dwight Schrute: [ Slowly ] But what if I'm hungry? Angela: No cookie. Ryan Howard: [ Knowing what they we re really talking about, stares into the camera at a total loss for words ]

Al Horford is Pam Beesley

I honestly think Al is so in touch with reality he sometimes doesn’t know how to handle the Hawks. I know because well, I don’t want to brag or anything, but I guess you could say, I have met him. And he seemed super normal.

He comes from a Florida which was sadly used to winning by checking the ego at the door and now he is in the NBA where every team is like sitcom. Right now Al is just helping the team however they tell him too. Close to a double double every night. I am just nervous he is going to give up art school because he hangs around the NBA crazies for too long.

Quote Capsule: Michael Scott: Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate 'biz? Is it real good? Pam Beesley: Still me.

Pam Beesley: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.

Mario West is Andy

Dude tries way to hard, but he is hard to not to like. You wish he was in the episodes more, but if that happened, you know the whole game would be worse. These two are a battle in self-control.

Also, in real life, both are from Atlanta, which make them good stories to me.

Quote Capsule

Andy: Oompa loompa doompity dossom, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity doomp.

Acie Law is Toby

Sure their voice or lack of finishing around the rim can be a bit annoying. But there is no reason for the hate their bosses throw their way. Both of them just get yanked around. Two minutes here, two minutes there. All they want to do is make your team better! That is all!

Quote Capsule

Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Tyronn Lue is Kelly

Dude, talks a lot and can be kind of funny. But then we realize he bring no defense to the table and only hits enough threes for you to not be violently angry he is playing, you begin to question if all that talking….err I mean leadership is really worth it.

I can think of few greater analogies than the Kelly/Ryan relationship or KellYan as I liked to call it. How much of the talking is worth the score?

In retrospect, Tyronn and I are pretty much the same person.

Quote Capsule

Kelly Kapoor: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four. Number six becomes number five. Number three becomes number two. Etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again. But it's at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what'll I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go "click, click, click," and I change the order of the queue so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? Ryan Howard: I guess I forgot. Ryan Howard: [stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings] Kelly Kapoor: You're such a ditz. Kevin Malone: Ryan, well done, two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" twelve times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Solomon Jones is C reed

Who is this guy? If anyone has been described as a project more than Solomon Jones I would be shocked and horrified. Because right now I feel like Solomon is equivalent to staining the deck or painting the trim.

He is a mystery. And much like Creed, you don’t know whether to be excited about what he might say or do next or angry that you pay a waste of space.

Quote Capsule:

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Sheldon Williams is Jan Levinson

They both used to be so good. Sheldon at the New York City of college basketball. Jan at New York. Is it there fault the Michael Scotts and Billy Knights of the world came in and screwed up their lives? The only place Sheldon deserved to be the fifth pick is on the ugly nose draft, and then you are getting a steal. But now there is all this pressure to perform when he just ain’t that good of an NBA player.

Quote Capsule:

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What’s the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. What’s the downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse on myself like a dying star.

ZaZa Pachuilia is Meredith Palmer

Some where along the lines things went bad. ZaZa went from a free agent steal to a “good I am glad he got sent to the locker room” player. And I think it all stems from too much drinking. For Meredith I believe the drink of choice is vodka. For ZaZa it’s kool-aide, as in his own kool-aide. They could be great role players but instead they have created new ones for themselves. And unfortunately, a drunk and traveling, jump hooking machine is not what anyone needs.

Quote Capsule: Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be five years sober. Jan Levinson-Gould: That is an excellent goal. Meredith: Four and a half!

Josh Childress is Phyllis

Phyllis is the only normal one. She is a glue worker. She does her work, knows her role, has a nice marriage. But she also knows how to take advantage of a situation (ie making Michael part of a wedding so she can have a longer honeymoon).

Childress does a lot of volunteer work. The fro works for him so he goes with it. He is a stabilizer for the Hawks who will undoubtedly let him go and regret it later. And one day Childress will retire from basketball and have millions of dollars in the bank. One slight downer. Childress will not be my myspace friend. But Phyllis probably wouldn’t either. No need to befriend strangers.

Quote Capsule:

Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS. Jim Halpert: The aid to Afghanistan? Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS. Phyllis: Afghani. Michael Scott: What? Phyllis: Afghani. Michael Scott: That's a dog. Pam Beesley: No, that's "afghan." Michael Scott: That's a shawl. Dwight Schrute: Canine AIDS? Michael Scott: No Creed: Who has AIDS? Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistanannis. Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

(is there any question who holds this scene together?)

Lorenzan Wright is Bob Vance

Lo Wright is super tall, can touch his toes, and has the lateral quickness of someone five foot eleven. Therefore he makes millions of dollars. I could not point to one thing he does well that does not start with “he is really tall so…”

I think at parties he says Lorenzan Wright, NBA baseketball player. Lorenzen Wright, NBA basketball player.

Quote Capsule:

Phyllis: [at the Christmas party] Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance? Kevin: Kevin Malone. Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration. Stanley: Stanley Hudson. Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration. Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard. Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration. Ryan Howard: What line of work are you in, Bob?

Anthony Johnson is Michael Scott

Yes they are the leader of the ship. Yes they sometimes come through at a business call at Chillies or on a wide open three, but if we are going to be honest, they are way out of their league. There position is more a representation of poor upper management than it is their own fault.

And while there are many hilarious Michael Scott quotes. Is there one any better than this for the fattest point guard in the league?

Quote Capsule:

Ryan Howard: [cleaning out Michael's car] Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat? Michael Scott: That's over the course of many months, Ryan! Ryan Howard: Still...

Speedy “aka Speedy” Claxton is Michael Scott (also)

I refuse to even comment on Speedy but here is his quote:

Michael Scott: Help! Toby: What's up? Michael Scott: Ugh. Not you. Get Pam! Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to go into the mens' room. Michael Scott: I've fallen off the toilet. I'm stuck between the toilet and the wall. Get Ryan! Ryan Howard: [Shakes head] Michael Scott: He needs to lift me, and he needs to clean me up a little bit... Bring a wet towel... Ryan Howard: [eyes bug out; shakes head fiercely and makes a gesture across his throat] Toby: Ryan's... uh, dead. Michael Scott: No he's not. I just saw him. Toby: No, he's not... Uh, can't you just get up yourself? You only grilled your foot. Michael Scott: ...Yeah, okay.

Go Hawks!

And if you have a better match for Office cast member and present Atlanta Hawks by all means share.

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