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This weekend’s events helped solve my 42 year old little sister’s latest conundrum.
The start of the NFL season this week coupled with Louise Brown’s 30th birthday (she was THE FIRST test tube baby) with the catalyst being the oh - so needed trade of Jeremy Shockey to his ex-QB’s home town, helped Rene decide what to do next.
A lifelong Giants fan who has been known to sleep with a man on a Saturday night if he had an extra ticket for Sunday’s Giants game. Rene is a single mom who yearns for yet another young mouth and mind to feed,
particularly one that would get a free college education (who knows what tuition will be then!) and oh yeah, another Giants’ Super Bowl ring.
When suddenly it came to her – she’ll get Archie Manning’s sperm.
She’ll impregnate herself and in 18 years have Bobbie Bowden or Joe Paterno sit on her living room couch and tell her why their football -, I mean their university is best for her boy, LT.
And then, the HUMONGOUS signing bonus, which will be in the high eight figures, before he even plays a down, much to the displeasure of Commissioner Goodell.
Rene wants to get some semen before Archie puts some of himself on ebay and then there’ll be lots of Archie Manning’s offspring competing first, for a full ride to a BCS Bowl bound football program. You know the kind, where the coach gets a bigger bonus if he makes it to a BCS game, than if he graduates more than 10 percent of his players.
She leaves tomorrow for New Orleans. Through a friend’s cousin’s step son she knows a nurse at Archie Manning’s urologist who claims she can convince Archie to masturbate into a Tupperware cup with a, Giants Blue, snap on tight cover. It would cost my sister $10,000 US, half now and the rest on delivery, it’s worth a shot at Rene’s goal, Super Bowl LXVII, venue TBD.
I have to admit, it’s kind of exciting to think I’ll be a Manning family relative. Maybe, I’ll even get in one of my new cousin’s many TV commercials.
Till next time.