Ivan Danko: I do not understand this sport.
Art Ridzik: You're not supposed to, it's completely American.
Ivan Danko: We play baseball now in Soviet Union.
Art Ridzik: Are you kidding me? This is our national pastime! [pause]
Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd be a hell of a world series though, wouldn't it?
Ivan Danko: We will win.
Cubs fans.... Let's review them.... And be honest, we have all witnessed these "fans" on WGN's Bud Light Fan Cam panoramic surveying of the Wrigley Field seats. You can laugh. Or you can cry. The choice is yours.
250 - The guy that jumps up and down insanely after stealing a foul ball away from a bewildered 12 year old.
249 - The guy that licks nacho cheese off the front of his newly purchased $350.00 THERIOT jersey.
248 - The guy that stares at the lil' hottie in the tube top 3 rows down while oblivious that his wife already returned from the bathroom 2 innings ago.
247 - The guy that waves a "Bartman Sucks" hand made sign near the third baseline.
246 - The guy that proudly wears a 1984 Cubs satin blue jacket in 95 degree heat.
245 - The guy that tries to take a picture of Derrick Lee at the plate with a camera phone during a night game.
244 - The guy that waves a "W" flag after a loss.
243 - The guy that exposes a large belly with a painted "S". This dude is always larger than his buddies who are also shirtless and spelling "C-U-B-S" to get on WGN.
242 - The guy that is shirtless and letter painted on the chest is always white. Okay, that is enough of fat shirtless white fans...
241 - The guy that brought a baby to Wrigley Field and forgot the diaper bag.
240 - The guy that never shuts up on his cell phone during the entire game.
239 - The guy that mysteriously looks exactly like Mark Cuban. And he turns out to be Mark Cuban.
238 - The guy that wears a Cubs hat while wearing a White Sox World Series Champion t-shirt.
237 - The guy that forgot to do #2 before leaving for the game.
236 - The guy that shows up wearing a full Cubs uniform and "Woo Woos". A lot.
235 - The guy that thought the bucket boys were "really cool" and asks where he can get the CD.
234 - The guy that tried to look for parking around Wrigley Field and does not get to his seat until the 8th inning.
232 - The guy that stands up and sings "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" and chastises everyone around him for not joining in.
231 - The guy that refuses to stand for the National Anthem.
230 - The guy that also refuses to stand for God Bless America.
229 - The guy that insists he can throw out the first pitch better than Marissa Miller.
228 - The guy that listens to the broadcast while wearing oversized headphones from the 1970s.
227 - The guy that asks for Len Kasper's autograph.
226 - The guy that contemplates running onto the playing field.
225 - The guy that bothers to scorecard the game.
224 - The guy that hurls racial obscenities at Milton Bradley though out the entire game.
223 - The guy that continues to hurl the same obscenities at a confused Reed Johnson after substituting for Milton Bradley.
222 - The guy that hurls the bogus baseball onto the field after a visiting team's home run while pocketing the authentic ball.
221 - The guy that cheers madly when the bogus ball lands 3 feet away from Alfonso Soriano.
220 - The guy that stands up to applaud Ryan Dempster's effort after getting an early inning hook.
219 - The guy that annoys everyone around him by chanting "Go Cubs Go!" for 9 innings.
218 - The guy that gets out of his seat after every half inning and is sitting in the middle of the aisle.
217 - The guy that insists you are sitting in his seat.
216 - The guy that asks what's the score in the White Sox game.
215 - The guy that wears a DEROSA Cardinals road red jersey.
214 - The guy that live blogs the game on his laptop.
213 - The guy that yaps about politics during the middle of the game.
212 - The guy that is stoked over Mr. T singing during the 7th inning stretch.
211 - The guy that asks you to hold his beer while he "drains the lizard".
210 - The guy that still bings a #1 foam hand.
209 - The guy that keeps his ticket stub.
208 - The guy that shows up 2 hours early, worried over not getting the promotional fan gift.
207 - The guy that complains about ticket price increases while sitting near the Cubs dugout.
206 - The guy that does not care that he puked in his beer cup and continues to drink.
205 - The guy that bought a baseball glove just to bring for today's game.
204 - The guy that brought his girlfriend to the game instead of his 8 year old kid.
203 - The guy that was too scared to ride the Metra from the suburbs and hired a limo instead.
202 - The guy that complains that nobody around him will join in to start "the wave".
201 - The guy that eats 8 footlongs during the game and asks if there are any good restaurants for dinner.
200 - The guy that hands his wife his empty beer cup and asks for a refill.
199 - The guy that insists on waiting out a 3 hour rain delay without a raincoat or an umbrella.
198 - The guy that argues that his ticket should cover both games of the doubleheader.
197 - The guy that complains President Obama is a White Sox fan.
196 - The guy that complains Ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich is a Cubs fan.
195 - The guy that leans over you to ask for your wife's phone number.
194 - The guy that insists he was at the game when the Cubs last won the World Series.
193 - The guy that never shuts up about Ron Santo not being voted into the Hall of Fame.
192 - The guy that passes around a petition to bring back Chip Caray.
191 - The guy that tries too hard imitating Randy Quaid from Major League II. Wrong town. Wrong team.
190 - The guy that complains about not getting his All Star Game ballot during an August game.
189 - The guy that openly wonders if Joe Buck is calling today's game.
188 - The guy that screams "f*ck" in front of his kids after every hit from the visiting team.
187 - The guy that still proudly wears a beer batting helmet.
186 - The guy that responds to the Luna commercial over the loud speaker. 773-202- L...
185 - The guy that wears flip flops to the ball park and they disappear after his return from the washroom.
184 - The guy that insanely cheers when Lou Piniella lumbers out of the dugout after a controversial call.
183 - The guy that actually boos a called strike against the Cubs without realizing how stupid he sounds.
182 - The guy that sits emotionless throughout the entire game with his arms folded across his chest.
181 - The guy that drinks all game long and then announces he has tickets to see the White Sox later that night.
180 - The guy that impatiently waits for Steve Goodman's "Go Cubs Go" rendition after a loss.
179 - The guy that leaves at the end of the 8th inning during a tied game.
178 - The guy that does not know the words to the National Anthem but sings anyway.
177 - The guy that heckles a couple of young kids in sailor uniforms.
176 - The guy that asks an usher how he can sit in the scoreboard.
175 - The guy that worries what Jay Mariotti will write in tomorrow's column* after a very one sided loss.
174 - The guy that insists Ryne Sandberg is indeed his neighbor.
173 - The guy that misses Dusty Baker.
172 - The guy that hands over a business card and begs you to visit his Cubs blog.
171 - The guy that believes God hates the Cubs.
170 - The guy that insists being a good Cubs fan means never questioning management.
169 - The guy that asks you which players are taking steroids.
168 - The guy that gets visibly upset when he sees a fan wearing the opposing team's cap or jersey.
167 - The guy that frets if Aramis Ramirez is really a better third baseman than Ron Santo.
166 - The guy that boos the umpires when they first step onto the field. He seems disappointed that they showed up.
165 - The guy that fails to realize that his cherished SANDBERG jersey is now 5 sizes too small. And also that wearing a t-shirt underneath would have been a brilliant idea.
164 - The guy that swears being a Cubs fan is "his life".
163 - The guy that seems more transfixed staring at the out of town scoreboard than watching the game.
162 - The guy that tweets to his buddies incessantly while asking "what happened?"
161 - The guy that gets drilled in the face by a baseball or broken bat because he was paying attention to everything but the game.
160 - The guy that confides to you that he snuck a bottle of water past security and saved himself $3.
159 - The guy that brags about "being a regular" at Jay the Joke. Nobody is impressed.
158 - The guy that never knows "what is the score?"
157 - The guy that makes fun of Carlos Marmol's ears while he warms up.
156 - The guy that goes absolutely insane when it is announced that Carlos Zambrano is pinch hitting.
155 - The guy that confuses Carlos Marmol for Carlos Zambrano.
154 - The guy that believes his every move is being recorded on the live television broadcast.
153 - The guy that does not realize that while he discretely picked his nose, the television camera was indeed aimed at him.
152 - The guy that pokes you in the ribs after "every great play" by the Cubs.
151 - The guy that stretches his legs out into the aisle for everyone to trip over.
150 - The guy that asks an usher for a menu.
149 - The guy that has not taken his shirt off outside for the past 10 years and forgets sunblock.
148 - The guy that proposed to his girlfriend and is flatly told "no".
147 - The guy that swears he saw Michael Jordan in line while ordering another pretzel.
146 - The guy that goes to the game wearing short shorts and decides to "air out".
145 - The guy that insists Bobby Scales was "screwed" out of playing in the All Star Game.
144 - The guy that bemoans the departure of Kevin Hart after purchasing his jersey.
143 - The guy that complains about going a century without winning the World Series and never once seems to just enjoy the damn game.
142 - The guy that keeps referring to the Cubs as "We" as though he were an integral component to the ball club.
141 - The guy that asks where you were when Woody struck out 20 hitters.
140 - The guy that promptly informs you that he was at the game when Woody struck out 20 hitters.
139 - The guy that spends the entire game complaining about those White Sux.
138 - The guy that calls Ron Santo "his soul mate".
137 - The guy that asks for your game program because he smeared pretzel grease all over his.
136 - The guy that wipes his hands on the back of the chair in the row ahead.
135 - The guy that snickers and comments every time Kosuke Fukudome is announced over the PA.
134 - The guy that wants to meet Jim Hendry in order to gripe over Jake Peavy.
133 - The guy that asks if you know anything about the upcoming Cubs Convention.
132 - The guy that decides its "rally cap time" in the 3rd inning of a scoreless game.
131 - The guy that tells the cute blond showing midriff that he is "pre-med" rather than working at Menard's.
130 - The guy that searches endlessly looking for a Starbucks kiosk.
129 - The guy that admits to taking a dump during the 7th inning stretch.
128 - That guy that refers to every Cub by first name.
127 - The guy that insists Jim Belushi is multi-talented and would make a great owner.
126 - The guy that sets Eddie Vedder's "All The Way" as his cell phone's ring tone.
125 - The guy that looks about 88 years old and insists he won't die until the Cubs win a World Series. It is heartbreaking.
124 - The guy that loudly insists Lou Piniella is a "f*cking idiot" for not batting Soriano lead-off.
123 - The guy that still isn't over Greg Maddux going to the Atlanta Braves.
122 - The guy that keeps looking for "the exact spot" where Ferris caught the ball.
121 - The guy that bores you with details on his home ivy garden project.
120 - The guy that asks if "we can share the cab" after the game.
119 - The guy that brags about being an original Bleacher Bum.
118 - The guy that can recite word for word Lee Elia's rant.
117 - The guy that wonders if the goatee sporting dude that walked by was Mark Grace.
116 - The guy that furthermore ponders if the word goatee stems from goat and is related to the "Curse".
115 - The guy that still thinks it is funny that Neifi Perez failed a drug test.
114 - The guy that insists he will follow the Cubs all year round to make a documentary and is peeved that he was not allowed to bring his hand held camcorder into the park.
113 - The guy that is convinced that it is Bud Selig's conspiracy to "allow" the Florida Marlins to win 2 World Series championships.
112 - The guy that still remains bitter that the Cubs have been swept in the previous two playoff series.
111 - The guy that tells you that he named his kid "Geo".
110 - The guy that admits after 3 or 4 beers that he really named his dog "Geo" after a long discussion with the wife.
109 - The guy that asks if "This Old Cub" is finally available on Blu Ray.
108 - The guy that took his neighbor's kid for "Hey Dad, Want to Have a Catch?" just to get on the field.
107 - The guy that insists he poured the cement himself to support the Cubs flag pole in front of the house.
106 - The guy that insists Milton Bradley's swing will return soon enough.
105 - The guy that continues to prattle over the "east coast bias" media that favors New York and Boston.
104 - The guy that just notices Michael Wuertz and Neal Cotts are no longer on the team.
103 - The guy that wishes the pink bats would appear more than once a year.
102 - The guy that was disappointed over Wrigley Field not welcoming him by name on the famous sign.
101 - The guy that continues to defend the signing of Joey Gathright.
100 - The guy that comments that Matt Sinatro has a little "Patton" in him because of the helmet.
99 - The guy that hopes Carlos Zambrano will go bananas during the game even though he is not starting.
98 - The guy that also admits he stares at the heavens and does a fist pump toward the sky after every work day himself.
97 - The guy that wished Styx did a "futuristic rock opera album" centering around the Cubs and robots.
96 - The guy that asks if you are a Republican or Democrat during the first inning of the ball game.
95 - The guy that holds up a "Len & Bob Are The Best!" sign just to get on television.
94 - The guy that babbles about his cherished "Ernie Banks autographed baseball" inherited from his late father and how he sold it on eBay to support a drug habit.
93 - The guy that shows you the ticket stub for the Elton John and Billy Joel concert to prove his coolness.
92 - The guy that sports a hideous beard supposedly in honor of Rick Sutcliffe and Bruce Sutter but more or less resembles the Unabomber.
91 - The guy that declares Sammy is the true HR king because Bonds and McGwire are cheaters and that list proves nothing!
90 - The guy that never misses a home game against the Pittsburgh Pirates because he likes to watch the Cubs win.
89 - The guy that swears there never was a World Series champion in 2005.
88 - The guy that never takes his Cubs cap off because he is a loyal fan and also likes to hide the bald spot.
87 - The guy that is always ready to roll up the sleeves and put on the brass knuckles to defend Jim Hendry against his critics.
86 - The guy that dreams of sliding on the tarp during a rain delay.... with Marissa Miller.
85 - That guy that blames Jerry Reinsdorf for the global international conspiracy of keeping the Cubs out of the World Series.
84 - The guy that wishes he could be arrested by a cop in his own home as well so he too can share a beer with President Obama.
83 - The guy that has been hit so hard by the recession that he may have to give up his second pair of Cubs season tickets.
82 - The guy that secretly wishes Juan Pierre and LaTroy Hawkins were still Cubs so he can keep hurling those insults.
81 - The guy that still gets physically ill whenever "Brock for Broglio" is mentioned.
80 - The guy that complains about the Cubs all the time yet makes lists such as this one.
79 - The guy that considers Sammy's shattered helmet and corked bat "priceless items".
78 - The guy that couldn't cry while watching "Brian's Song" because it involved a Bear and not a Cub.
77 - The guy that fires off an angry profanity-laced email to Bill over this post because a true Cubs fan is a humorless one.
76 - The guy that considers Carlos Zambrano's no hitter against Houston last season (in Milwaukee) a greater triumph over future St. Louis Cardinal Mark Buerhle's recent perfect game.
75 - The guy that also refused to acknowledge "Mark Buerhle Day" last Thursday.
74 - The guy that does a line of blow in honor of Shooter's birthday. And then promptly heads over to US Cellular Field.
73 - The guy that considers the Cubs playing games in Florida a complete waste of time.
72 - The guy that is still terrified over the prospect of Craig Biggio returning to baseball.
71 - The guy that actually is concerned that W may throw the ball off the mound appreciably better than O.
70 - The guy that stated he wished he could have exchanged places with that Gatorade machine because "he likes it rough".
69 - The guy that shows up to Wrigley Field first for the game and is the last to leave.
68 - The guy that only shows up for the Home Opener every season and makes sure he lands on a HBO documentary for this heroic feat.
67 - The guy that punishes his kids into sporting Jeff Samardzija's haircut. Both son and daughter are not amused.
66 - The guy that thinks John Cusack is the coolest Cubs fan ever.
65 - The guy that wonders if the net above the outfield wall would support his 280 lbs.
64 - The guy that also ponders if urinating on the ivy would be eco-friendly.
63 - The guy that wishes he owned those rooftops across the street from Wrigley Field.
62 - The guy that hates night time home games because it means he will miss less work.
61 - The guy that tells his 4 year old son "to hold it" because Aramis is at the plate with runners on 1st and 2nd.
60 - The guy that dresses up as Harry at the ballpark because he thinks chicks dig the look. He is sadly wrong.
59 - The guy that already has his family vacation planned for 2010 Spring Training.
58 - The guy that traded in that clunker for a new vehicle to make the drive next spring.
57 - The guy that still pines for Brian Roberts.
56 - The guy that bought a table saw just because of Koyie Hill.
55 - The guy that cheers for both the White Sox and the Milwaukee Brewers but definitely not the Cubs.
54 - The guy that does not show up at Wrigley Field but chooses instead to watch the road games at Miller Park.
53 - The guy that defended Ozzie Osbourne.
52 - The guy that paid a kid $50 to catch a baseball tossed by a groundskeeper.
51 - The guy that nods in complete agreement during Lou Piniella's post game press conferences.
50 - The guy that plans to write a book about being a tortured Cubs fan.
49 - The guy that mistakes a backed up sewer system at Wrigley for the "sweet smell of the ballpark".
48 - The guy that takes complete offense to the terms "lovable losers" and "Cubdom".
47 - The guy that could not decide between peanuts or cracker jack so he bought both.
46 - The guy that cannot properly explain a double switch but declares himself a great baseball expert anyway.
45 - The guy that brings 2 jerseys to the game because he cannot decide which one to wear.
44 - The guy that celebrates an infield Cubs hit as a divine sign that the offense has returned.
43 - The guy that rushes to his feet in anticipation of a Cubs home run during a routine fly ball to the center field.
42 - The guy that yells "Way to go!" after Ball One when a Cubs pitcher is in the process of intentionally walking the hitter.
41 - The guy that brings a cowbell to Wrigley Field because it looked so cool during last season's playoff games at Tampa Bay.
40 - The guy that yells "Oh yeah, here comes the heat!" when Aaron Heilman takes to the mound.
39 - The guy that yaps all off season about "World Series or bust" but quickly settles for a .500 record once the season starts.
38 - The guy that convinces others during the game to "wait 'til next season" in the middle of June.
37 - The guy that wears sun shades fashioned after Angel Guzman's goggles.
36 - The guy that allows his day to be completely ruined over a hometown columnist's criticism of his beloved Cubs.
35 - The guy that is also emotionally destroyed over a message board user's random inane babbling that tears apart the Cubbies.
34 - The guy that prays for an extra inning ballgame so he can remain seated in an uncomfortable chair for that much longer at Wrigley Field.
33 - The guy that actually takes the time reading this list in its entirety and determining which points relate to watching a game at Wrigley Field and ones that clearly do not.
32 - The guy that hates the Cardinals but would not mind if Dave Duncan replaced Larry Rothschild.
31 - The guy that purchased every board game ever made by Milton Bradley.
30 - The guy that brought along "Operation" because he realized watching live baseball can be boring at times.
29 - The guy that carefully observes Lou Piniella napping between the 3rd and 5th innings.
28 - The guy that experiences sympathy pain whenever Zambrano cramps up.
27 - The guy that discovers drinking beer makes the Cubs appear to play better baseball.
26 - The guy that discovers drinking even more beer at Wrigley Field makes the Cubs completely irrelevant.
25 - The guy that considers Cubs road trips being "completely unfair".
24 - The guy that argues profusely against Ron Santo being a Hall of Famer with other Cubs fans and never wondering what is the point.
23 - The guy that continues to defend Milton Bradley's defensive abilities as a right outfielder.
22 - The guy that actually tried "The Moises Alou Method" of better hand grip prior to grilling the brats after the game.
21 - The guy that becomes nauseated whenever Kevin Gregg blows a save instead of Kerry Wood.
20 - The guy that realizes the team was better having Daryle Ward around.
19 - The guy that openly wonders if Randy is David's younger brother.
18 - The guy that sprays himself with TAG before entering Wrigley Field and not even caring about the game.
17 - The guy that realizes it is really hard to come up with 250 somewhat interesting, comical comments about one topic.
16 - The guy that yells "You suck!" to the opposing pitcher after another Fukudome patented whirlybird strikeout.
15 - The guy that really believes nothing is wrong when Jake Fox is catching.
14 - The guy that bitches and moans about baseball players being overpaid and never, ever misses watching a Cubs game.
13 - The guy that believes Sam Fuld will be everything that Corey Patterson was not.
12 - The guy that hooks up by the end of the 6th andhopes that a "few beers more" will soften up the Butterface.
11 - The guy that looks for a condom dispenser in the john at Wrigley.
10 - The guy that hangs on the edge of his seat watching Carlos Marmol load the bases in a hold situation and finally crawl out of the inning with his dignity in check.
9 - The guy that finds every game enthralling - win or lose. Simply because it involves the Cubs.
8 - The guy that hooks up with Butterface is informed that she wants "to go". The game is in the 8th inning. Butterface must wait. Another round of beers.
7 - The guy that loves his Cubs finally witnesses the conclusion of the game. Cubs Win! Another defeat of the Pittsburgh Pirates!
6 - I gotta feeling... That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good night That tonight's gonna be a good good night
5 - The guy that parties hard (with Butterface) into the wee mornings of Wrigleyville. Cubs Win!
4 - The guy that loves the Cubs finally runs out of money. Time to go home!
3 - Funky Cold Medina
2 - But when she got undressed, it was a big old mess, Butterface was a man.
1 - The guy that finishes reading this list is thoroughly disgusted, registers onto the site and unleashes holy terror toward Tyrone Briggs on the message board.