By David J. Cohen '
* This is a literal “mock” draft based on the college football and NFL seasons. For humorous and entertainment purposes only, so Phil Savage, don’t read this and start getting ideas…oh wait, he just got deleted from the Browns.
1. Detroit: QB, Ronnie Fouch, Washington (Freshman)
Stats: 45.2% completion, 4 TDs, 13 INTs
He led his team to no wins. And he knows where the back of the end zone is, making him an upgrade over Dan Orlovsky. He may or may not beat Dante Culpepper in a footrace. Joey Harrington was from the Pac-10 and he worked out great for the Lions.
2. St. Louis: S Eric Berry, Tennessee (Sophomore)
Stats: 1 catch, 3 yards; 7 car, 37 yards; 72 tackles, 21 TFL, 3 sacks, 7 INTs, 2 TDs
The Rams were equally abysmal on both sides of the football, so why not grab someone who can single handedly address all needs. He also returned a couple kicks. He did line up at QB and while he's never thrown in college, the Rams are sure he can get sacked less than Marc Bulger.
3. Kansas City Chiefs: QB Colt McCoy, Texas (Junior)
Stats: 77.6% completion, 32 TDs, 7 INTs; 576 rushing yards, 10 TDs
Herm Edwards knows that "you play to win the game! You don't play to just play it!" The BCS standings do not compute. McCoy beat Oklahoma and can now have a shot at a championship, as there are no teams from Oklahoma in the NFL.
4. Seattle: WR Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M (Freshman)
Stats: 55 catches, 844 yards, 5 TDs; 1-1, 8 yards passing
After the messy lawsuit over who really has the rights to the "12th man", the Seahawks reconcile with Texas A&M by taking Tannehill. They are always looking for 3 rd string receivers to start for them and Tannehill projects well. And he used to play QB. With him and Seneca Wallace, the sky’s the limit whenever it’s not raining in Seattle.
5. Cleveland: K/P Louie Sakoda, Utah (Senior)
Stats: 21-23 FG, long 53; 50 punts, 41.7 yards average, long 81
Cleveland didn’t score an offensive TD in their last five games. Since they can’t punch it in, they need a reliable kicker to score on what little opportunities they actually have. And he’ll have plenty of chances to attempt 81 yard punts. Even with Phil Dawson, the Browns can never have enough offensive playmakers.
6. Cincinnati: S Jamar Hornsby, Ole Miss (Sophomore)
Stats: 111 tackles, 2 INTs at East Mississippi Community College; four misdemeanors
Marvin Lewis is still on board and is looking for another criminal to anchor the defense. Hornsby can charge up field and charge gas cards like no one else in college football. With the uncertainty of the economy, Hornsby could be a valuable asset in more ways than one.
7. Oakland: QB Robert Marve, formerly of “the U” (Freshman)
Stats: 54.5% completion, 1293 yards, 9 TDs, 13 INTs; 59 carries, 119 yards, 2 TDs
Al Davis to Randy Shannon: “Robert Marve is a great player. Get over it!”
This wouldn’t be the first time the Raiders had someone who couldn’t handle discipline.
8. Jacksonville: WR Pat White, West Virginia (Senior)
Stats: 63.6% completion, 1510 yards, 18 TDs, 6 INTs; 170 carries, 919 yards, 8 TDs
This is the perfect pick for the Jags, who are suckers for unproven speed receivers who never catch passes. White is the most hyped QB transition player since Matt Jones, who is the Jags’ best receiver. So this was a no-brainer.
Coincidentally, Pat White is what Matt Jones calls his secret coke stash. He was going to use a credit card to draw up a double sniff option, but the card was intercepted by Hornsby.
9. Green Bay: QB Tim Tebow, Florida (Junior)
Stats: 64.9% completion, 2515 yards, 28 TDs, 2 INTs; 154 carries, 564 yards, 12 TDs
After a tough 6-10 campaign, the Packers take someone who really doesn’t have the fundamentals and creates on the go, but is an inspirational player that can just somehow come up with wins. Is Ted Thompson trying to make up for something?
10. San Francisco: CB Vontae Davis, Illinois (Junior)
Stats: 78 tackles, 3 FF, 2 INTs
With the Cardinals being the only threat in the NFC West for the near future, the 49ers need some people with coverage skills. When informed of the selection, Mike Singletary had a little misunderstanding.
“Cannot play with him. Cannot win with him. Cannot coach with him. Can’t do it.”
Defensive Coordinator Greg Manusky: “You mean Vernon. We’ll ship him to wherever Martz ends up.”
11. Buffalo: CB Curtis Brown, Texas (Sophomore)
Stats: 0 INTs, 1 missed tackle against Michael Crabtree
The Bills shot out of the gate with a 5-1 start and then choked like they always do, so they take Brown to help keep the tradition alive. In case the Bills ever get in a tough spot with a championship on the line, they can count on Brown to keep the trophy out of the locker room.
12. Denver: WR Mike Shanahan, Pittsburgh (Freshman)
Stats: DNP last season, 6’5”, 220 lbs
The Broncos lose out to Buffalo again with Brown, who’s tackling skills rival those of the Broncos defense. Instead of fixing the unfixable, the Broncos try to appease Jay Cutler with the pick, as he seems pretty peeved about the loss of Mike Shanahan. Problem solved.
13. Washington: FB/HB Jorvorskie Lane, Texas A&M (Senior)
Stats: 35 carries, 93 yards, 5 TDs; 49 career rushing TDs
Jim Zorn complained about Portis not getting in the way of defenders, so he solves that problem by taking the Jared Lorenzen of backs. At 6’0”, 285 pounds, he’s a good diet away from being another tackle for Jason Campbell. At worst he can serve as a tackling dummy for LaRon Landry so he doesn’t get planted by Brandon Jacobs again.
14. New Orleans: QB Graham Harrell, Texas A&M (Senior)
Stats: 71.5% completion, 4747 yards, 41 TDs, 7 INTs; 15,429 career yards, 130 career TDs
The ultimate system quarterback; the Saints believe they have the system for him to take down Dan Marino after Drew Brees came 16 yards short.
15. Houston: CB Malcolm Jenkins, Ohio State (Senior)
Stats: 54 tackles, 3 INTs, 2 FF, 1 sack
The Texans need players in the secondary to take their team to the next level. They’re also hoping Jenkins can rub some of Ohio State’s “second best” karma to help Houston in the AFC South.
Losing in the title game is an incentive in his contract.
16. San Diego: RB Shonn Greene, Iowa (Junior)
Stats: 278 carries, 1729 yards, 17 TDs; rushed for at least 100 yards in all 13 games
With LT apparently being human and starting to decline, the Chargers take the college equivalent of him to appease concerned fantasy owners everywhere.
17. New York Jets: QB Kevin Craft, UCLA (Junior)
Stats: 55.6% completion, 2341 yards, 7 TDs, 20 INTs
After Brett Favre valiantly led the Jets down the tubes in the final month of the season while leading the league in picks, the Jets take Craft to finally get some consistency at the quarterback position.
18. Chicago: DE Michael Johnson, Georgia Tech (Senior)
Stats: 45 tackles, 9 sacks, 1 INT, 1 TD
The Bears really, really need a receiving weapon, so they take the former USA Olympian. Whoops.
19. Tampa Bay: WR Percy Harvin, Florida (Junior)
Stats: 35 catches, 595 yards, 7 TDs; 61 carries, 538 yards, 9 TDs
John Gruden is always looking for his next project at quarterback and Harvin will be his biggest one yet. Seeing him line up in the shotgun is giving him all kinds of ideas. He just might make Percy Harvin boring.
20. Detroit: WR Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech (Sophomore)
Stats: 93 catches, 1135 yards, 18 TDs, 40 career TDs
You didn’t actually think the Lions wouldn’t take a receiver in the first round, did you?
21. Arizona: RB Arian Foster, Tennessee (Senior)
Stats: 131 carries, 570 yards, 1 TD; 19 catches, 166 yards
The Cardinals need anyone to play running back. Foster can get them from 20 to 20. And since the Cards always throw in the red zone, they don’t have to worry about Foster fumbling the drive away on the five.
22. Philadelphia: RB Rashad Jennings, Liberty (Senior)
Stats: 263 carries, 1500 yards, 17 TDs; 24 catches, 190 yards, 2 TDs
As usual Andy Reid takes someone out of left field who no one has ever heard of. He is hoping lightning strikes twice, as Jennings is also an FCS player that transferred from Pitt, ala Joe Flacco. Reid is finally going to commit to the run after Donovan F. McNabb finally told the Eagles to go F. themselves.
23. Minnesota: DT Terrence Cody, Alabama (Junior)
Stats: 6’5”, 365 lbs (that’s all you need to know)
The Vikings had to take him after he devoured Pat and Kevin Williams.
24. New England: WR Kerry Meier, Kansas (Junior)
Stats: 97 catches, 1045 yards, 8 TDs; 61% career completion, 1542 yards, 17 TDs, 10 INTs
With Matt Cassel getting the keys to another castle, Bill Belichick has to find someone to play backup to Brady. He loves players with multiple positions and Meier played under center for the Jayhawks two years ago and is now a pretty good possession receiver. He even has four career punts, so if the Pats ever end up in 50 mph winds at Buffalo again and need a pooch punt, Meier has a 34.5 yard average.
His camera skills remain to be seen.
25. Atlanta: TE Brandon Pettigrew, Oklahoma State (Senior)
Stats: 42 catches, 472 yards
Now that the Falcons are good again, they can take a chance on someone with talent but problems with the police. Hopefully it doesn’t end with Scooby and Scrappy fighting it out till the death for a Scooby Snack.
26. Miami: CB D.J. Moore, Vanderbilt (Junior)
Stats: 59 tackles, 1 sack, 5 INTs; 24.7 punt return average; 7 catches, 143 yards, 2 TDs; 9 carries, 76 yards
The Dolphins, like the Commodores, came back from the depths of hell back to relevance. But they still need weapons on both sides of the ball, and with the lack of offensive talent at Vanderbilt, Moore has done a little bit of everything, and all of it well. Think of the wrinkles in the wildcat you can add with this guy.
27. Baltimore: WR Jeremy Maclin, Missouri (Sophomore)
Stats: 102 catches, 1260 yards, 13 TDs; 40 carries, 293 yards, 2 TDs; 41 punt returns, 270 yards, 1 TD, 42 kickoff returns, 1010 yards, 1 TD
Let’s see. Ball hawking secondary, check. Smashmouth defense, check. Big arm quarterback who actually completes passes, check. Running game, check. Kick returner/receiver...Maclin could make the Ravens exciting to watch on offense. The defense doesn’t have that problem with Ray Lewis shooting the gap.
28. Colts: DE Brian Orapko, Texas (Senior)
Stats: 38 tackles, 10 sacks, 20 career sacks
Since the Colts always win 12 games, they don’t feel they have any needs. So they take the one person who may have actually sacked Peyton Manning next season.
29. Philadelphia: WR Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina (Junior)
Stats: 68 catches, 1222 yards, 12 TDs; 5 carries, 34 yards, TD
On the rare 95% of the time the Eagles are throwing the football, they need someone who can actually catch it. Nicks fits the bill and won’t voluntarily drop the ball off before he goes into the end zone. He can make catches behind his back, so just imagine what he could do with the ball coming in front of him. If only McNabb stayed…
30. Pittsburgh: WR Josh Chichester, Louisville (Freshman)
30 catches, 341 yards, 2 TDs
Big Ben is tired of throwing the ball to midgets, so the Steelers take the behemoth 6’8” Chichester. He drops more passes than Braylon Edwards but at least now Roethlisberger has a big target.
31. New York Giants: WR Kenny Britt, Rutgers (Junior)
Stats: 87 catches, 1371 yards, 7 TDs; 7 carries, 75 yards, 1 TD; 6’4”, 215 lbs
The Giants take a local kid; a big receiver with good hands who can go up and get it for Eli Manning. They made sure he wasn’t armed.
Britt is not allowed to go to clubs as part of his contract.
32. Tennessee: QB Mark Sanchez, USC (Junior)
Stats: 65.8% completion, 3207 yards, 34 TDs, 10 INTs
The Titans take another Rose Bowl MVP. Only this time they have no intention of playing him.
They just hope battling a USC guy brings Vince Young back to legendary status.
51. Dallas: P Kevin Huber, Cincinnati (Senior)
Stats: 56 punts, 44.9 yard average
With Tony Romo being smitten with Jason Witten and T.O. and Roy Williams plotting their revenge, Jerry Jones had to step in and put everyone on an equal playing field. Everyone needs to be on the same page.
Which is why the Cowboys are going to punt on 1 st down next season. And this guy can punt it into a coffin corner like no other. Which is important considering Cowboys fans could be putting Romo and Owens into coffins pretty soon.
60. Carolina: CB Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina (Junior)
Stats: 40 tackles, 2 sacks; 33 punt returns, 118 yards, 9 kick returns, 218 yards
The Panthers are the team that was forgotten before the season started, and in a loaded SEC with great defenses, this guy is the forgotten man.
Plus, if the Panthers are planning on plundering the Buccaneers every year, they be needing a captain to ward off the cannons.
That’s every team’s first pick in the 2009 draft. Plenty of interesting picks that even Mel Kiper couldn’t see coming. Hopefully your team got who they need to take them to new heights (or lows).