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Article:20080606 Manny Stiles' Sportsune Cookie

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Welcome to Manny Stiles ' Daily Column:

"Sportune Cookie" - This is your brain on sportswiki.

00a Sportsune Cookie

You will go on an amazing adventure (in sports)

Sportune Cookie

If you think "real men don't eat quiche", you've never had my Steak Quiche

Tim Beckham, fine pick at #1, considering he was being mentioned at LAST YEAR'S draft as a potential superstar.

The MLB draft is out of its league. Sure, there's the seamheads, the chronically obsessed and the chumps out there just looking for a column to fill (or, like me all three) but I can't help but think that the average fan is baffled by what the hell the MLB draft really is.

First off, the NBA knows how to throw a party. The likely-to-be-drafted actually attend the event. And if they are at home, they don't have the TV on in the room when they are answering the phone call from the station airing the event. That's basic!

Secondly, there's just about NO lead in hype! How the hell is anyone gonna know who the likely top choices are if they aren't related to them or out there doing the scouting?

All of these things are ok by me in actuality. Quirks, ripples in the fabric that lend character.

What DOES bother me is the clueless muffacker staring at the teleprompters instead of acknowledging the TV cameras. Hello! Earth to Bud?? We're the goddamn reason you are doing this event in said televised format.

For real. How long has this dude been "acting" commissioner, yet put him in front of a camera and the jaw slacks just a little more doesn't it.

He is a travesty. He is a broken tool representing all that is bad about the game - all of which he has shirked responsibility for - and taking credit for all that is good - none of which he was personally responsible for...

I know baseball well enough and I certainly know the owners could NOT be happier than to have such a human codpiece "running things". But as the owners die off and get replaced by newer, younger (and dumberer) owners there MUST come a time where Allan H needs to hit the pike and take whatever pictures he has that got him where he is today with him!

Not just for the good of the game, but just for good.


Has anyone ever implicated Larry with the Juice? I don't think so... is it time to?

Pre-emptive Maneuvers

Uhhh-Ohhh - The NFL has a mess on its hands and will probably wish for Spygate to come steal the spotlight again. Let's see... Steroids dealer, (and his female companion) found dead. Said dead guy recently met with the NFL and named names... Oops! Perhaps a love-torn murder-suicide during a roid rage incident would explain it away? Not so lucky, NFL. Now you've got a list of legitimately possible suspects (or at least knowledgeable parties) that are gonna need questioning - and are therefore also in danger. I'm sure this isn't over by a longshot.

See that? Steroids DO kill!!!

At least we know it wasn't Mike Vick...
The NFL is leading the leagues in bodybags yet MLB is still under Congress' microscope.

Got Gas? - At this rate gas will cost more than the cars. How much would gas cost if NASCAR never came into being? I mean, HOW MANY millions of gallons of gas has racing cars burnt up? I'm not saying that NASCAR hasn't accelerated (so punny) some technical advancements that the rich and wasteful have mildly enjoyed, but just think about it!

You're just plain batty! - The carbon footprint from making an aluminum bat versus a wooden one should be argument enough. But, let's try this at home sometime: Grow an acre of trees and cut a couple down and meanwhile process some bauxite ore (out of several acres of land you'll tear up), smelt it in your toxic smelting plant and then melt it in your coal-burning forge, form it then spin and lathe it into a bat and see which is better in the long run. Don't forget to make a nice eco-unfriendly rubber grip for the handle, too!

And when you stop playing baseball - don't forget to chuck that aluminum bat into a landfill. Recycling is for suckers.

Like I said - Paul Pierce is more fundamentals, grit and determination than athleticism.

Media Rant

What good are pretty sideline reporters if they aren't going to get naked?

I don't care how much you know about sports or how much you can show off those substandard interviewing skills you learned at the San Mojigato Upstairs Journalism School - get naked!

No, no, no. I'm really watching this in HD because I want to count the moles on the first base coach!

WTMF Sports

Channel Manny Presents:

W.T.M.F. Sports with your host, Manny Stiles!

Brought to you by the fine providers of Toilet Snorkel!

"Tired of swirlies? Can't get that bowl clean enough? Just like to keep cool while defecating on hot summer days? Try Toilet Snorkel!", available at pastry shops in the deca-state area!

Reporting on Friday, June 6th... Manny Stiles:

MS - "Turns out, there is a big difference between a hemorrhoid and a hemorrhage most instances but first, our top story today..."

Sure, women drivers have a lead foot, but what's so "funny" about it?

Ever wonder?

If up was really down, left was right and in was out would Walker's Rants be posted on a Friday night?

Speaking of Friday - someone BETTER heat up the Fryer today!

What kind of person wakes up and thinks: "Gee, it feels good to be a Yankee fan today!"

Where is the Stanley Cup getting defiled today?

If you were considering trying out for the Olympics this summer, you may have waited too long. Unless you're a citizen of Kalaallit Nunaat. (That's Greenland to the rest of us) There's a few openings on the water polo team.

Hell, in a couple of years with all those under sea volcanos erupting, warming the oceans and causing all this global warming while blaming it on man, Kalaallit Nunaat is gonna have some kickass Summer Olympic squads!

Yeah, I've got a thing against volcanos lately...

How did Kangaroos never bag that big celebrity endorsement??? I mean LA Gear had Wayne Gretzky, Magic Johnson, Hakeem Olajuwon and Karl Malone (don't forget; Paula Abdul - when she was hot and wasn't crazy) and look where they are today!

The Adventures of ManRays

Today's co-Rays of the Day are...

James Shields and Jonny Gomes

Well done fellas. Don't let dirtbags disrespect you and definitely don't let pussies disrespect the game. Secondly, don't let them disrespect the game then try to show you up when they aren't an every day player and they are mired in a 5-39 slump.

Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate violence in most situations and I am very glad Shields' first punch didn't connect because it would have made CooCoo more of that brand of ugly (drop the glove instead of the hat next time, Jamie). But the game is played by two teams and a fraternity of men who carry the game from one generation to the next. If one of those bearers decides it's time to injure one of his fellow brethren because of some imaginarily perceived slight, he needs to be disciplined properly.

Coocoo has made himself a target not just to the Rays but to the "keepers of the game" - you know, the pitchers who don't like to see their middle infielders get hurt by a classless piece of dogdirt. He should have taken his punishment like a man and put his head down and walked to first. It would have been the right move. But he thinks he's bigger than the game. That won't last for long.

Don't think other teams aren't watching you Coocoo...

Oh well, the Red Sox won the game and yes, swept the series (because I started this column which apparently jinxed the Rays - again), but seeing all the fall out from yesterday's game (Manny bitchslapping Cueballis, Ellensbury showing how having a frequently limped wrist can prevent serious injury), the Rays have a new upper hand on the War.

Go Rays! On to the whipping boys in Texas!!!


1 - Mark Hendrickson
2 - Dick Groat
3 - Herschel Walker
4 - Alonzo Highsmith
5 - Willie Gault
6 - Brian Jordan
7 - Danny Ainge
8 - Bo Jackson
9 - Shaun White
10 - Dave DeBusschere

A Picture is worth 1000 Real Men

I know what I want for Christmas, Sanders Clause! For this to happen again... but instead of a bucket of ice, a bucket of voice cord eating bacteria!!!

Dr. Commento Answers the Questions

ATQ - Yesterday's 10 was "Ten guys who never get mentioned as the greatest hitters ever because they are all strictly righthanded hitters"

Yesterday, J-Dawg stated "I'm quite suprised congress hasn't looked into Mickey Hatcher's glove."

Apparently, J-Dawg never saw the player Mickey Hatcher play. Or congress.... "gress" or whatever they do...

Besides, the cow that made the leather for the glove was legally on steeroids (bah-dum-bum).

Seriously though, it's been a while since PETA harassed MLB.

Strike a Prose

Sport, We Love Thee

Whether sweeping the stone,
Fisting the cat,
Shuttling the cock
or handling our bat

Going backdoor down low,
or ramming a tight end,
giving it to the hooker
and having a pulled groin mend

Sport, We love thee!
for you our serving love doth swell
Going deep and pulling it hard
So your stories we can tell.

We don't need politics
We don't need news
We just need our actions and comments
to glorify you.

That's why we are here:
Sport, We love thee!

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