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The Major League Baseball All-Star game is coming to a living room near you and the Mid-Summer's Night Classic needs your help... of course.
No, this time "It's for real!".
YOU - as the red-blooded Earthling you are - LOVE Baseball. You LOVE baseball, don't you? Ok, well anyway - You definitely LOVE to have your opinion! And anytime a hot chick gets anywhere near an opinion… it gets a tad wee bit more attention.
Let your Opinion count 25 times for each internet address and false persona you can create before Thursday!!!
"Now, Manny..."(you begin to monologue)
"What does any of this filler material have to do with the fact that you are clearly writing about the All-Star game but you made a typo in the title - it should say 'Evan Longoria'..."
No, no it shouldn't.
OK, so let's get to the rest of the filler material... post haste!
The List of 101 Reasons you should vote for Eva Longoria
1. Because if you vote for Evan Longoria, he becomes an All-Star and several more times after this and eventually... A "Household Name". AND THEN THE MISSION IS COMPLETE. (more on this as future numbers)
2. Because Evan Longoria is not really related to Eva Longoria – even though both have a blue link. No one ever pondered endlessly if Lincoln Kennedy and John F Kennedy were related... LOTS of people have the same last names and sometimes even the SAME NAME!!! Side Note: Lincoln Kennedy was not assassinated by a man with three names!
3. Because when THREE Tampa Bay Rays make the all-star game, the announcers won't have to explain why "they're not the 'Devil Rays' any more" half as much as when the Rays win the AL East and go on a run in the playoffs!!!
4. Because Evan Longoria is not really Eva Longoria. He doesn't hit or throw like a girl. Ok… we got the obligatory three references of Eva Longoria out of the way…
5. Come on! You know you want to. All the cool kids are doin’ it.
6. If you don't vote for him, you will incur my associated wrath and my personal hate club members will praise you and give you internet oral.. but still...
7. Throw away your 25 votes and see what happens if you don't believe me.
8. Eight, Eight... I forgot what eight was for.
9. Dedicate your 25 votes to the memory of the “Devil” –The Rays are in first. Clearly Hell has frozen over.
10. When Evan Longoria becomes a household name, we won't have to hear "He's not Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives" for the billionth facking time!!!!
11. He’s leading the team with the BEST RECORD IN BASEBALL, division leaders in the tough, tough AL East in 2B, HR, OPS and Total Bases.
12. Come on! A guy wearing #3 in an all-star game at Yankee Stadium!!! The proverbial torch needs passed!
13. Could the creator of the nickname "Evan Longlorious" please take a bow. Yes, thank you, thank you!
14. Because his arrival at Third Base has enabled the Rays to have one of the slickest fielding second basemen in the game – They really are “One Team”.
15. Because you hate A-Rod and having Longoria there would tempt Francona to get him in the game - which effectively lessens A-Rod’s innings at his home stadium (a.k.a. “The House that A-Rod Crumbled and Desecrated”)
16. Because Libras are the coolest.
18. He is leading the American League in Road batting average (.328 - 41 hits in 125 road at bats)
19. Because if someone is getting dirty in the All-Star game, it will be a guy in a Rays jersey.
21. Giambi – BALCO, Mitchell Report, Thong, Male Porn Stache’, Yankee
22. Guillen – Mitchell Report, Suspensions
23. Roberts – Mitchell Report, A little shady of a character.
24. So all it leaves is Dye because he hasn’t been “proven” unclean yet. Dye has only three more HR and the same RBI at a less premium position. Longoria provides play on defense that equals his offensive contributions. I’m not saying Dye is bad in the outfield, I’m just saying AWESOME Third Baseman that field AND slug mean more in the annals of the game’s history that power-hitting outfielders.
26. How many AGM points do you want? I’ll trade some points for your 25 votes!
27. Because 16 years from now when Longoria is a 13 time gold glover and 16 time all-star and is on the slow decline of age, he’ll end up with the Yankees and he can talk about how he was in the last All-Star game in Old Yankee Stadium (a.k.a. “The House that Derek Jeter crumbled and desecrated”)
29. Because isn’t “she” ‘Eva Parker’ now anyway? Actually… Eva Parker makes her sound a little hotter somehow!
30. Because his name makes BEAUTIFUL anagrams (see: 31-40 for my favorites)
31. Regional Nova, No Aloe Raving, On A Veal Groin, In A Raven Logo, Vain Oral Gone
32. Oregano Anvil, No Vagina Role, Iron Oven Gala, No Orange Vial, Anon Vigor Ale
33. A Gravel Onion, Vine or Analog, Vegan Air Loon, Veal Gar Onion, Via Lone Goner,
34. No Evil Angora, Lo Ego Nirvana, No Avian Ogler, Leaving No Oar, Go Iron A Navel
35. Larvae Goo Inn, On Lanai Grove, Nine Larva Goo, Via Noon Glare, An Oval Region
36. No Loving Area, Lava Groin One, On Range? Voila!, Go Vain Loaner, Ole’ Vain Organ
37. No Vaginal Ore, No Ovarian Gel, No Vain Galore, No Voila Anger, Gonna Love Air
38. No Lover Again, Ravage on Loin, One Anal Vigor, Real Vain Goon, Anvil Goon Era
39. Love or Angina, No Vagina Lore, Or Leaning Ova, Learn Via Goon, One Gain Valor
40. In the last 20 seasons, the ONLY A.L. rookie to have more than Longoria’s 16 home runs was Tim Salmon who had 17 in 1993.
41. Because some douche bag with a keyboard is willing to write a lame list of 101 reasons why you should vote 25 times for Evan Longoria.
42. Because I haven’t wanted a rookie in the All-Star game since 1986 with Wally Joyner.
44. Because if the internet has taught me how to copy and paste one thing into an article it’s that “A ray is one of the basic terms in geometry. We may think of a ray as a "straight" line that begins at a certain point and extends forever in one direction. The point where the ray begins is known as its endpoint.”
45. Because a team of baseball players sporting hockey playoff beards DESERVES to have it most consistent offensive and defensive force to represent his team.
46. He’s a good kid. From what I hear.
47. 25 votes for a "Dirtbag" is 25 votes well voted.
49. I will hold AGM – and therefore the REST of the internet hostage under a painful siege until you vote for him all 25 times.
50. Vote for him or I’ll write an 8,000 word article on why he SHOULD have been an All-Star. And then I’ll follow it with a 9,000 word sequel in which I explain why you suck.
51. To get to the other side…
52. Because does anyone REALLY get enough of seeing Rays beat writer Marc Topkin on TV?
53. Because deep down, you don’t really suck.
55. (this number left intentionally blank).... (*)
56. Just to reiterate – If you like cheating steroid users, you’ll vote for the other guys or just throw your vote away on a member of the White Sox...
57. It’s Monday. Don’t you have some free time at work or a game of solitaire you don’t need to play?
58. Because I’m Dad and I said so… Sorry, it’s just an automatic response. Now turn down that thermostat!
59. Why think about who you should vote for in the A.L. when you’re really there just to stuff ballots for your favorite N.L. Player! Tell me who to stuff for the N.L.!!!
60. Because you really, really do kinda like those new uniforms. They’ve grown on you, haven’t they?
61. His first MLB home run was estimated OVER 450 ft.
62. Because you’ll probably be the freekin’ lucky bastard who wins the Grand Prize (there’s always some marketing scam attached to these things)
63. You want the A.L. to WIN don’t you?
64. Martin Van Buren – The President that Van Buren Rd is named after. It’s the road that runs along the outfield wall Phoenix Municipal Stadium. It’s the road where Longoria hit a Home Run in Arizona Fall Ball that added to his legend.
“Going Van Buren” hadn’t happened since the days of Mark McGwire on the A’s in Spring Training (Phoenix Municipal is the A’s Spring Training Stadium as well as home to Arizona Fall League’s 4 time champion Desert Dogs).
65. Shouldn't the best team in baseball definitely be represented by at least THREE players (and a few injury replacements)
67. From the best team in baseball… the AL East leading – by as many games as you have fingers - Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman, Evan Longoria!”
69. Because New Yorkers won’t feel right with just two all-star Rays players since they both started with New York teams.
70. If Evan Longoria gets voted into the All-Star game, I will drink a gallon of milk in less than one hour. Does anyone mind if I do it with Skim Milk? I’m serious about this! Feats of Beguilement II coming soon!
71. I’ll owe you one… as long as it isn’t a Cricket article!
72. Because “Future Mrs. Longoria” is still out there… and I mean OUT THERE
74. If you read this far and didn’t contemplate stopping then you HAVE to vote for him!
75. Go read the part about Longoria in the Mitchell Report again… oh, that’s right. He’s NOT in it!
76. After you voted him in, he can be the first player to win Rookie of the Year, MVP, All-Star MVP, World Series MVP – and win a gold with Team USA (last November in China) all in the same 12 month span!
77. A vote FOR Evan Longoria is a Vote against a Yankee player.
78. Because I went through the trouble of writing him in every ballot I filled out the first time!
79. Three Tampa Bay Rays on the All-Star Roster? Yes, it’s believable.
80. Because Evan Longoria has already signed his long term deal to stay with the formerly “lowly Rays” and took what was a relatively low price to show his commitment to the team.
81. His college teammate Troy Tulowitzki needs to have you parlay your sympathies towards him into votes for Evan.
82. Because Dick Vitale likes him! And if you hate Vitale consider that Evan Longoria is so good that Vitale might blow out his vocal cords praising him!
83. Because you think he’s cute (or have a wife that thinks he is).
84. Because a small pile of Galangal and Alpine turmeric mixed with Dragon’s blood and two eyes of newt says so! GO ahead… try me!
85. If Evan Longoria gets in, I’ll contact The Sports Shaman to do a "sports augury" for the All-Star game.
86. Because when you were a rookie third baseman that was getting recognition as an All-Star, it makes it easier to write your Hall of Fame plaque!
87. Because ESPN think he works for free – (check out his 2008 salary])
88. It’s been 20 years since ‘’Bull Durham’’ was released. Evan Longoria started his 2008 season with the AAA Durham Bulls.
89. Because 25 votes for Evan Longoria are 25 votes showing you might actually know something about the game of baseball!
90. Because If you can add what I think is a funny enough reason in comments, I’ll add it!
91. He’s having the finest rookie season of ANY Rays rookie in franchise history… EVER!
92. In honor of Reggie White. What? Do you really need a better reason?
93. Because you still owe me!!!
94. I will hunt you down and taser you until you urinate on yourself.
95. Because I don’t want to have to work hard with my therapist on controlling my anger… TASER YOU!!!! URINATE!!!!
96. Seriously, he deserves your vote.
97. You deserve a medal if you read all the way through this: A very meaningless and unimportant medal; probably made of tin or aluminum foil… but semi-shiny nonetheless. (See? I really do care.)
99. Because even Tim McCarver can’t ruin it for me if Evan gets in.
100. Even if you don't vote for him, he's gonna have a monster second half and carry the rays to more gloriousity.
101. Because even if he doesn’t get voted in, he’ll be a replacement player anyway. Someone always bows out…
So... there you go.
Oh... and yeah... here's the stupid Eva Longoria Photo you came here for...
- This left intentional blank because it's the disclaimer which explains that you computer has been issued an invisible virus that will only be disabled by voting at least 50 times for Evan Longoria into the All-Star game.