Frank -
I thought it would be more helpful to respond to your Kiper article personally, rather than on a public forum. My thoughts:
1) It's tough to comment on your article without knowing the intended audience. Is the site that you were writing to one that welcomes extremely opinionated commentary? If so, then the tone of your article may be appropriate. Otherwise... I'm sorry but no way.
2) I share your reservations regarding Kiper, but also recognize that he is regarded as an expert who is willing to offer his opinion, without caring if it ends up being right or wrong. I suspect that on many occasions he has been right, and he is fine with the fact that on others he has been wrong. Kiper understands that many of his opinions will turn out to be idiotic... he offers them, and whatever will be, so be it. If you're writing to a site that respects measured writing (a respectable site), then a reader would expect some consideration or respect for both sides of the argument that you present.
3) Your technical skill as a writer is excellent. I say this honestly, and with a very critical eye. You think through the overall composition of your piece, and develop your points logically and with great technical writing skill. So you have a great foundation to build upon, especially when coupled with your passion for your subject.
4) That said, to be blunt, your writing comes across as not being entirely natural. How many times did you read and re-edit your piece? And this next question is not intended to be mean-spirited, but rather entirely honest... how much more clever did you find your writing to be after each edit, and how clever did you think your piece was when you were finished? I'm guessing that you thought it was more clever at each step of the way, and absolutely so at the end. I'm being harsh, I know, but I've suffered from the disease and so I think I can identify it. To help you along, I urge you to follow the following advice... Screw "clever". Writing that has any intention of being clever is obvious to any intelligent reader, and is also distasteful. Honest and natural writing, on the other hand, is appreciated and much more palatable. Think about the point you want to make. Then let it flow, and then when editing assess how honestly and naturally your sentiments flow.
5) The whole "prospect A" thing was, for me, way too abstract. I'm smart enough to keep up with any real logic that is presented to me, given that I have enough patience. I sense that the logic may have been there, but I lost patience.
I would not have written to you and offered this criticism if I didn't think it was worthwhile to do so. Again, I think you demonstrate great writing skill, and I'm confident that you have opinions that are worth sharing. But in the end, I would urge you to just think about the point you want to make, develop it logically, and keep it simple and natural.
Take my criticism or leave it as you will. Feel free to disagree, rebut, seek clarification, ask questions, call me names... etc. But please respect that I've taken the time to write only with the best intentions.
Chris
