What’s the Over/Under on the Pat Riley "Official" Retirement?

Isn’t it ironic that on the same day that Pat Riley decided to show the sports world that he’s nothing more than an egotistical quitter, the Orlando Magic finally won a playoff series since the first time since the glory days of Shaq & Penny. Yes, the same Orlando Magic who employs Stan Van Gundy as their head coach. The same SVG who "wanted to spend more time with his family so Pat Riley could win another NBA Title." Wow…I guess there’s something to be said about karma! D’OH!

In a move that surprised nobody, Riles stepped down, deciding to ride of into the sunset yet again, (well, that’s for the time being anyway). Do him and MJ have something going on to see which egotistical asshole can walk away from the game the most? The only surprise about his decision to quit is that it came at the end of the season… that he and his ego stuck it out through the entire season, (discounting the last remaining games of course when he had "to scout" because my dog ate my homework too) which none of us thought would ever happen. At some point we figured to hear, "I’m worn out… I can’t do this anymore… My health is failing," during the course of the season, not yesterday. Now I’m not the sharpest tac on the tac board here, but Pat you’re all those things because your team sucked donkey balls this past season… Don’t kid yourself asshole! If you were making another championship run, you would’ve felt like you drank a case of Red Bull everyday!

I get it Pat, it’s the ole, "whoa is me" song and dance! "Please for the love of God feel sorry for me that my team blew goats this past season… Pretty please!" Sorry asswipe, nobody does! Um, who put that team together? Who the hell in their right mind put that sorry ass team together, Mr. Basketball God? Oh yeah, how could I forget, that would be your dumbass! I suppose it’s an all-star team if your playing in the South Florida Nursing Home League, (which should be noted that it’s a very competitive league given all the talent down there) but that’s about it. Gee, I guess you’re not the Basketball Einstein everybody thinks of you to be, now are you? Actually, I tend to think you’re a better back stabber than you are a coach…And especially a better back stabber than a team president! There’s no question about that Pat! Although, I must give you a little props on that…I know this is going to kill me, but go with it, I’m having a moment! Somehow, someway you found a sucker in Steve Kerr, (sorry Steve, there’s one born every minute…You just picked the wrong minute) to take The Big Fat Ass off your hands. And right now Kerr’s looking for a tree that he can tie his short rope around!

The only question I have regarding stepping aside is when will the return of Pat Riley to the bench take place? We all know it’s going to happen… We’ve been down this road three others times with him. We know how the book ends, just not this chapter! Does it happen when the Heat is on the verge of making the playoffs? How about making the second round? Conference Finals? Or will it happen once again when the Heat are three minutes away from The Finals and then he’ll get a bug up his ass once again and decide to make "The Perfect Murder" sequel? Michael Douglas ain’t got nothing on you boy! See, this is precisely why that having former wonder kid, mail boy, and current Riley puppet taking over the Heat helm is the perfect fit…Simply because nobody in their right mind and with any credentials wants to work for your ass! Always looking over their shoulder…Wondering "when Pat’s going to go Samurai on my ass?" No way Jose…Hell no! Nobody in their right mind wants to work under those conditions…Walking the sidelines in a fencing suit just to protect oneself! Although good ole Skippy from the mail room doesn’t care…Simply because it’s cold and dark down there, the question remains when will Skippy get butcher?

Yes Pat, you might be a Basketball Hall of Famer…Although very few people outside the profession see you as such, (hell, it might be inside the profession too)! The way I see you is nothing more than Phil Jackson’s little bitch…We all know that still burns your ass! Oh, but that’s not all…No sir! You have an ego larger than life and some of the best back stabbing techniques ever! Oh yeah, and one other thing…You’re nothing more than a quitter! Plain and simple!

Although allow me to suggest something if I may…I’ve notice that Stan Van Gundy is good in front of a microphone after games. You may want to call to see if he would introduce your sorry ass on induction night. Oh wait, I just remembered he may have a conflict of interest and might be busy that night coaching a playoff game! D’OH…My bad, jerkoff!

Who will be the next Draft Day DoucheBag? LastRowSports.com Pick’em Poll wants your vote in deciding this difficult dilemma…Will it be one of the two Longs, Run DMC, Matt Ryan, or Glenn Dorsey? Come peeps, vote…You’ll be glad you did! And besides, it’s go practice for the upcoming Presidential Election damn it!