YTF is a NASCAR Article on ArmchairGM!
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A very adventurous fellow once told me "You should try everything once". Of course, that fellow died attempting to copulate with a narwhal during an absinthe and ether binge while traveling on his first visit to Greenland.
I, on the other hand know there's no way you're scoring with a narwhal on the first date. Beluga whale, all day. Even a prudish dolphin can be coerced every now and then...
I mean...
On yet another mystical, hypothetical third hand, I decided to try NASCAR for the first time. Yeah, I actually attended a NASCAR Nextel Cup event. No, you don't need more sugar in your absinthe and less dry rag with your ether. You read that right.
I went to my first NASCAR race! Of my own free will!
Brought to the 'chair (hey, who left the crumbs?) by the Heirophant of Incessantivity himself!!!
Checkers Auto Parts 500 at Phoenix Int'l Raceway
It turns out Jimmie Johnson was busy on Sunday. After leaving the set of the NFL pre-game show and helicoptering into PIR, he raced dominantly and captured the win for his 4th race in a row!
He's got great hair that only the NFL's All-time leading rusher can touch. He's got two Super Bowl rings and a college championship as a coach and now he's aiming for his second NASCAR Whatever-they-call-it-this-year Cup. Man this guy does it all.
It's not like Jimmie Johnson is the first guy to go from the NFL to racing. Look at Joe Gibbs - he's got a team. Look at Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman - they own a car. Look at Brad Daugherty - he probably likes football.
So as I was saying, Jimmie Joh..... what? It's not the same guy? You mean the NASCAR Jimmie Johnson is not the same dude a NFL Jimmie Johnson and is making a name for his actual self? And where is Jimmy Johnson when we need him?
Ahhh... guys with same names, the bane of wiki.
Manny Stiles confesses to acknowledging NASCAR’s existence
Alright, I'm going to make a confession. I'm not the biggest NASCAR fan, but that doesn't mean I never paid attention to it. When I was a kid I had a kickass Cale Yarborough Matchbox car. I have watched dozens of NASCAR races on TV; sometimes even the entire race! I am, also guilty of occasionally not turning the channel through race highlights.
Although I've always been tilted toward Monster Trucks, open wheel racing and jet funnycar drag racing (WHY race a car that looks like it's a regular car?) the cool, refreshing flavor of Winston and it's subsequent sponsoring of NASCARs title Cup made a mild impression on me as a youngster.
If I wasn't playing outside as a kid, I had The Nashville Network (what you hip, teeny boppers call "Spike") on whenever there wasn't any "regular" sports on the other channels (and Dice Baseball to be played while watching). I'm not talking about country music (My favorite country song is the one that just ended), TNN was always good for some sort of horsepower display (Big Daddy Don Garlits was a favorite, of course) or if there was no race events, Babe Winkelman was giving me tips for nabbing walleye next time I was out on the lake. Yes, I've fished (obsessively at times) all my life.
I enjoyed the things I did when I wasn't playing baseball (or some sort of pants-ruining sport). Cars were cool, girls were icky, fishing was fun and playing with my self was enjoyable - there was nothing wrong with these things to me.
Then I found out if you go to a NASCAR race you are a "redneck". Or "white trash", or even worse... a "grease monkey motorhead".
What? I would have to learn how to pick a banjo, skin a 'coon, tawlk reeeal fuhnny liiiiike, and be frightened by minorities? I would have to chaw tobbacky, work on my farmer's tan, drive a pickup truck (with gun rack) and hump my relatives? I would have to shove grime under my fingernails, grow a mullet, laugh at Jeff Foxworthy and eventually get a Budweiser tattoo? This made little sense to me. Why couldn't I just enjoy what I enjoy?
It wasn't long before NASCAR's popularity grew and suddenly, the people who had made fun of it were now the biggest supporters. They proudly displayed their varietal colors of the sponsors of their favorite drivers like a peacock battling a gay rights parade for spectrum supremacy. They argued at bars over who's driver was cooler until mugs were broken and blood was shed. They taunted other's unwinningness and flaunted their reflected glory from the winner's circle.
And that was it for me. When NASCAR got popular, I was getting a grip on puberty and suddenly had less time for TV, icky fish, cars I couldn't drive and playing with my self... when I wasn't consumed with baseball of all forms, I turned to applying my skills of awkwardness and the art of poetry into scaring away hot girls; but that's another story...
I went to the race Sunday because 1) it was about 15 miles from my house, 2) I wanted to see if they would issue me a KKK hood upon entrance, 3) You thought I was going to go to a Cardinals game? And 4) I just HAD to know if Tony Stewart looked that fat in person - it’s not ALL fire suit Tony, you ain’t foolin’ me! and 5) YTF is a reason to say “why not?”!!!
More importantly, because YOU need this kind of garbage, Armchair!!! Yes, there facking is a NASCAR article on ArmchairGM!!!
Jimmie is such an ugly term. Unless you're talking Jimmie "4 wins in a row" Johnson. Rrrrrrrrrahr!
Apparently, this Jimmie Johnson guy is pretty good - I'm pretty sure I could NOT pick him out of a lineup of guys wearing #48 shirts. And I’ve seen pictures of him, I know I have. Maybe he should change his name to sound more NASCAR-y… Jimmie Johnson Jr. ‘’might’’ work. Jimmie Bob Johnson would set him apart, for sure. Jimmie “Jeff Gordon is MY bitch” Johnson might be most appropriate. Get the P.R. staff on the horn!
What I do know (because it’s been repeated over and over like the hook to a Pop song) is that he’s the first guy since 1998 (Jeff Gordon) to win 4 races in a row and (Instant History Alert!) the FIRST driver ever to win four consecutive races in the new “Nextel Chase for the Cup” playoff format! Amazing!
Johnson has also won 10 races overall this year. And… oh, yeah… he’s the defending NASCAR Nextel Cup Series Champion. Some analysts have called his run among the most dominant performances in a playoff format in ALL of Sports; high praise indeed.
A back-to-back Nextel Cup Championship is all but his next Sunday. According to teammate/second place driver Jeff Gordon - whom I can understand why a person would dislike, but I don’t care to hate) – “It’s over”.
Ummm... What's a NASCAR race like?
Have you been to a NASCAR race? Let's see. I know you have a computer. So probably not, right? (insert canned laughter here)
NASCAR is making billions of dollars. Hundreds of thousands of people attend each of the 36 races. Hell, there's thousands of people who travel around from race to race in RVs - and they're not getting paid to do it.
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NASCAR is apparently for real. People like it, the car manufacturers love it as a testing/bragging ground and it’s not doing anything but getting MORE popular. If you still think it's a joke, maybe the joke's on you! (insert louder canned laughter here)
OK, now the "truth" part
- I tried to get press passes for this event, but apparently I underestimated NASCAR’s overwhelming popularity. I missed the deadline for media applications to be submitted. Lesson learned.
- Media passes don’t allow you into the grandstands or on the hill. That’s not my style anyway… I like to mingle and see the whole facility.
- I don’t like the restart rules after a caution. It’s stupid. If you were 30 seconds ahead of another car, wham! There’s a caution and at restart, he’s on your tail and a car a lap down is next to you blocking your progression. I know that’s how they’ve always done it. And it’s stupid.
- What’s the deal with the “lucky dog”? Because you’re the leader of the schmucks that are down a lap, you get to join the lead lap? What?
- Hey, if the guy in front of you is extending a lead, have someone throw some junk on the track, or have a teammate “wreck”, get a yellow and you’re right back in it!
- Martin Truex Jr was the fastest guy on the track early in the race but Johnson was right behind him biding his time, being patient. Matt Kenseth led towards the middle of the race before suffering some car problem I couldn’t explain. Once Johnson took the lead, the blood was in the water and it was over.
- As the race wore on, the setting sun became a factor heading into turn one.
- In fact, not knowing exactly how many laps were to be raced left me baffled when the race came to an end. I thought there was a caution since the cars all slowed down and I figured the people leaving were trying to get a jump on the traffic. Then Johnson did his Victory Donut (Mmmm…. Victory Donut – the kind of VD we like!) and all I caught was the hazy, environmentally destructive aftermath…
- I’m sure Johnson and Gordon get more cheating allegations than a MLB player.
- Despite the whelming impression I was living a Simpsons episode, no one was killed after getting hit by a tire and knocked off the grandstand.
- Foot long hot dogs don’t scare me.
- PIR is rightnextto an Indian reservation. Untouched “desert” land and mountains. Not exactly a wildlife preserve like the Simpsons hiked, but they do flush the hill above turn 4 of snakes and other despicable creatures on race weekends.
- Not that I wanted to catch a T-shirt that wouldn’t fit me anyway, but I never saw any T-shirt launchers. Besides, my wife is the one with that talent. She gets shirts everywhere!
- There are other wipes than starwipe. It’s true!
- You will never see an assembly of 100,000+ uglier people anywhere. That's not to say they were the ugliest people I ever saw, or there aren't some babes to be seen. And sure, I didn't help the situation any; the overall attractiveness of the crowd was brutal. But on top of that the population ratios are badly skewed.
- The ratio of male to female is about 4.5 to 1 - I was picking out groups of about 50 and counting out between 7-11 females each time - note: I am not a scientific calculation method.
- The ratio of seemingly Caucasians to seemingly other folk (I may have counted a few albinos as Caucasians) was about 8 to 1. Out of line with American Society as a whole but not as much as I expected. I saw a fair contingency of Hispanics and Black African Americans (as opposed to White African Canadians like Steve Nash) and relatively few Asians (Hey, the race wasn't in Vegas). Without a doubt, all the flavors of race are into racing. I also did see a friend of mine at the race (he's Puerto Rican).
- It’s like the biggest state fair you ever went to. Sure State Fair people are pretty ugly, but you’ll notice they wear their NASCAR colors there too…
- So on one end of the spectrum it’s NASCAR, on the other it’s WNBA. Everything else is in between to me as far as crowd watching/babespotting. Maybe one day, I’ll create the ‘’prism of sports crowd attractiveness’’.
- I’m pretty sure the average IQ of the attendees was a low grade fever at best.
- I can’t imagine how much money is made just in recycling the bottles and cans.
- Yes, the cars are freeking loud. I brought earplugs but had to take a listen without them when the race was going. It’s just below a rock concert with a dozen 767s on stage taking off at the same time (or as loud as the crowd noise they pump in the RCA dome).
- But it’s a thundering, delightful loud. I was along the fence at the main straightaway and even with earplugs you hear the noise rush through. I still have the sweet chime of tinnitus piercing my skull. It was truly a Day of Thunder!
- You feel the ground shake when the cars buzz by.
- The feel the heat and smell of exhaust.
- It’s a small track so they come around often!
- With the earplugs in I noticed that the sound of the cars passing by resembled a ohm-like resonance. So if you’re Buddist or love your Yoga, there’s ‘’something’’ there for you too!
- As the race wore on, so did the cars. They rattled more, made more noise and the “ohm” sound devolved into a “vrgyomn”
- PIR has a nice Arizona-y hill above turn 4 and being the “get high on mountains” guy I am, I climbed it. From there you can see the entire race at once – and every accident of course. The downside is it faces the track looking west. That’s a bad thing for the ol’peepers in sunny, sunny Arizona.
- So even with earplugs and sunglasses, I am now partially blind and mostly deaf. At least I have my pretty working for me!
- There’s a reason why the color schemes of NASCAR is so bright. So you can tell which blur is the one you’re cheering for…
- About cheering at NASCAR events…. Why? They definitely can NOT hear you. I’m sitting next to you and I can barely hear you!
- I didn’t bring much cash with me and NO concession stand takes a card. I guess the billions of dollars they’re making is enough (or more likely a particular sponsor makes sure it’s that way)
- They only sell Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors Light and O’Doul’s at the concessions. I guess they weren’t missing out on my money afterall…
- If you hate crowds of people – NASCAR is ‘’probably’’ not for you. If not for the wisdom of the inventors of Park & Ride, I would probably still be trying to escape the throng of various hues.
- I was surprised by the complete lack of exposed titties and drunken donnybrooks. I have been grossly misled about the goings on at NASCAR races.
- The crowd did take a turn for the more enjoyable (to me at least) after Earnhardt Jr crashed early leaving half the people sad and the other half thrilled at the first half’s sadness. It was a nice mix of cheering and gasping.
- How many gallons of fuel has NASCAR expended in its history? Oh well, at least they’re making their money!
- Many of the people I talked to were at their first NASCAR race, too. Many came form far and wide to catch their first race. A couple was from Oregon and several people were from Florida (I wore my Rays hat and recieved plenty of attention - yes, I informed at least a half dozen people the "Devil" is gone...)
- Watching the cars come off of turn 4, you could see each of the cars slide a bit, centrifugal force jamming them right up against the wall.
- I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to see a car going 160 mph and hitting a (litany of things) and watching them explode.
- As I was walking toward turn 4, I was hit by tire debris (just a teeny bit) that flew off the road as the cars vhoomed by. It hurt a little bit (call me a wimp, unless you’re Frank Robinson, I can kick your ass) and I picked it up as a souvenir.
- Whoopee! The Goodyear Blimp was there! There’s an article on blimps currently on my to do list. (beat me to it and see if I care)
- Nick and Steve Swisher as well as Keith Foulke were Grand Marshalls for some unknown reason.
- If you’re into the Doppler Effect, NASCAR is a treat for you.
- Including when the F-16s flyover at the end of the National Anthem.
- Just for one race a year, I would LOVE to see them race clockwise… just one race, please!!!
- Better yet, hold a race in England, move the steering column over and make them race from the left side of the car!
In Summation
Try everything once. Except maybe growing flesh eating bacteria and taste testing cyanide. But right before you do those two things go to a NASCAR race and experience it for yourself. If you're even thinking of doing it, make arrangements NOW!
I didn't do the whole weekend of events. I'm sure if you did the RV thing and partied/got'r'done, a semblance of a good time could be manufactured. If you have no desire to see a large assembly of rednecks, go for the cars. You know cars well. You're out there driving one (or knows someone who does) every day.
BTW – “YTF” is "Yes, there facking", not "Y the fack" thus the "ArmchairGM!" and not an "ArmchairGM?"
- P.S. – Coming Soon – A video tribute to my first NASCAR race (with all starwipes!).
