Who are the most unintimidating athletes ever...I know, again
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by user Shrubbery
Recently I profiled the nastiest, most demonic athletes ever, the guys you'd be genuinely frightened to meet in any setting. This time I profile the opposite end of the food chain, the athletes no one in their right mind would be scared of.
- Brian Boitano-This gifted skater who holds multiple World Championships and an Olympic Gold medal may be the most effeminate athlete in the history of sport. No one is denying his athletic prowess, he’s just about the last guy you’d run from if cornered and the first you’d ask for advice on how to decorate your new apartment.
- Scott Hamilton-Dude was hellagood on skates, probably the best men’s figure skater ever, but he was tiny…tiny, tiny, tiny. The guy needed lifts to drive car and bought his clothes in the toddler store. Did I mention he was tiny?
- Spud Webb-Yes he won several NBA Slam Dunk contests but would anyone really be threatened if Webb wanted to square off with them. Didn’t think so. He was a midget by NBA standards, standing all of 5’7” and maybe 150 pounds soaking wet. But the kid had mad hops…a 47” vertical leap. Guarding Webb was like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky trying to scurry around and catch the chicken. Was Rocky ever afraid of the chicken? Besides, how can you be menacing with a nickname like Spud.
- Bode Miller-What a dumbass! It would be the height of hypocrisy for me of all people to condemn this guy for massive alcohol consumption but when you put a premium on drunken revelry over winning Olympic gold you deserve every ounce of derision foisted upon your egomaniacal shoulders. The guy was so aloof and self-indulgent he brought his own RV to stay in rather than slum with the common athletes in the Olympic village. Hey Bode, guys living in trailers are rarely intimidating, drunk guys in trailers are even less so, and drunk athletes in trailers are side shows.
- Chris Drury-As a devout Colorado Avalanche fan I loved watching Drury play. He wasn’t anywhere near the fastest skater or the most skilled, he just had an uncanny knack for being in the right place at the right time. Drury was a winning pitcher in the 1989 Little League World Series, won a national title in hockey with Boston University, and won a Stanley Cup. But nothing about this kid instills fear of any kind. Hockey players are generally regarded as the most rugged athletes but Drury looks like he’d be more likely to deliver your paper or pizza than playing one of the most violent sports in the universe.
- Bill Gramatica-Heh, kickers are a rare breed. And they don’t come any rarer than Bill Gramatica. This dolt blows out his knee celebrating a 42 yard field goal…in the first quarter. His and his brother Martin’s spontaneous dances of joy at any successful field goal attempt no matter how miniscule in importance became comedic fodder and eerily resembled an epileptic fit or physical Tourrette’s Syndrome…voluntary Tourette’s. This native of Argentina makes Manu Ginobili, Diego Maradona, and Gabriela Sabatini want to disavow their national heritage.
- John Kruk-This guy looked like he should be more at home on the intramural softball field with kegs of beer at each base than on a Major League Baseball diamond. Watching Kruk was like John Belushi in Animal House. Kruk was lovable, soft, and funny, all of which made him the least formidable or foreboding baseball player I’ve ever seen.
- Avery Johnson-He was a tireless worker and great floor general for years but what makes Johnson so thoroughly unintimidating is the fact he may be the nicest guy to ever play in the NBA and the fact his voice sounds like a Looney Toons character. When Johnson starts pontificating about teamwork and defense you half expect to see Mel Blanc in the background dubbing the vocabulary into a microphone.
- Fran Tarkenton-He once owned the NFL record for passing yards, touchdowns, attempts, completions, and fumbles. Tarkenton quarterbacked the Minnesota Vikings to three Super Bowl losses. He was noted for darting around like a scared squirrel when the heat was on and was a spindly 6’0” 190 pound tour de drama.
- Jan Stenerud-This Hall of Fame kicker, the only kicker enshrined in Canton, was originally a ski jumper from Norway. The only intimidating Norwegians were the ancient Viking warriors.
- Greg Louganis-I’ll refrain from making the obligatory jokes about his sexuality…to each his own. But Louganis falls short of being intimidating because he was a diver. There’s no doubt that Greg may be the best diver in history and arguably the most dominant Olympic athlete ever. However, divers are never intimidating.
- David Beckham-This guy is too pretty to be even remotely intimidating and he plays one of the softest sports on the planet. Beckham plays soft, cries when he gets hurt, and seemingly cares more about his hair than actually attacking the goal. Yes he’s the worlds best set piece operator and free kick artist but when you play a multi-dimensional sport and are so decidedly one-dimensional you lose all ability to strike fear into the hearts of your opponent.
- Manute Bol-At 7’7” Bol was a freakin tree, both in height and mobility. The guy possessed all the athletic ability of a fence post. Though he led the league in blocked shots several times he never inspired fear in the opposition. Fact is Bol was so painfully unathletic he ran like an unfolding lawn chair. It is claimed Bol actually killed a lion when he was a 15 year old Dinka herdsman. I think the lion saw the waif-like Bol with a stick that was twice as thick as his waist and actually laughed itself to death.
- Mark Eaton-To this day I’ve never seen anyone who ran the floor slower than Eaton. The guy couldn’t outrun pudding. He looked like a yeti, a very goofy and plodding yeti, a pseudo yeti, one with severe arthritis or some degenerative joint disease.
- Landon Donovan-At 5’8” 153lbs Donovan is built like an adolescent. Plus he plays soccer like a frightened bunny. He’s a gifted play maker but when physically challenged at any point he runs and hides behind Brian McBride.
- Jim Abbot-If anyone’s got footage of Abbott getting into a brawl please tell me. One armed athletes are inspirational but hardly the vision of blood & guts ferocity. I’d love to see if Abbott ever hit a batter and if said batter had the balls to charge the mound. Ty Cobb would have, with a bat and sharpened spikes.
- Any Jockey-My baby cousin, who’s all of five years old, would tower over humanities version of the Keebler Elves. These guys are so small they fit in most overhead compartments on your major airlines.
Date
Thu 08/31/06, 7:03 pm EST
PeanMajor Leaguer
1171 days ago
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