What's Wrong With ESPN?
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by Tom Miller
Earlier today, an article was written on this site, asking how to fix ESPN as a whole. (I'd link to it, but I'm not sure how to do that.) That's where I got the idea for my article. Fixing ESPN is a very difficult task, and I think, that to fix ESPN, you have to first address what is wrong with the World Wide Leader. I think the six most important problems the four-letter network faces are:
1) Poker
3) Chris Berman
4) Barry Bonds
5) Beer
6) HEY! LOOK AT ME! NO SERIOUSLY LOOK! I'M ON TV!!!
Now let me explain what I mean by each of these.
1) Some sort of poker tournament is always on one of the ESPN channels, it seems. How many World Series of Poker are there, anyway? My problem isn’t the frequency of the poker shows. It’s the fact that they’re on a sports network at all. I have nothing against poker. It’s just not a sport. Sport is, according to dictionary.com, “An athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature.” People sitting around a table and playing cards doesn’t qualify. It doesn’t require physical prowess so much as mental prowess. Actually, it doesn’t require physical skill at all, so therefore it’s not a sport. I’ve made fun of cheerleading before, and competitive eating, mocking them as jokes, but they are sports. Even a fake sport like professional wrestling is more of a sport than poker. Poker belongs on the Game Network, not seven different ESPN networks.
2) I know, Michael Irvin isn’t with ESPN anymore. But he represents my point rather well. Irvin, Keyshawn Johnson, Eric Young, Orestes Destrade, Fernando Vina, the list goes on and on. These guys are former players, and they are expected automatically to speak with authority on topics. Some of these turn out well (so far, I’ve been impressed with Johnson’s relative eloquence and knowledge), but for the most part, these guys are out of their element. Stack your panels with people who actually went to school for this sort of thing (you know, journalists and broadcasters and whatnot).
3) Chris Berman was one of my favorite ESPN personalities growing up. I always looked forward to watching ESPN Primetime on Sunday nights. Now, he’s become a little stretched out. He shouldn’t be covering baseball or the Home Run Derby (I mean, he actually announced Albert Pujols as “Winnie the Pujols” at the beginning of the Derby). He should stick to football, because he’s really great at NFL Countdown and whatever they call that abomination that’s embedded into Sportscenter nowadays (NFL Blitz, I think). That’s an overriding theme throughout ESPN. If they’re going to keep Stuart Scott (and I haven't heard otherwise), just have him do Sportscenter like he used to. Get him off of the ridiculous Who’s Now set (just the dumbest concept I’ve seen in some time) and back in front of the prompter.
4) Barry Bonds is everywhere. Today we got an update from Colleen Dominguez about how Bonds had an off day. Is that really necessary? Also stalking Bonds this season is Shelley Smith, and of course, Barry’s own personal reporter/stalker, Pedro Gomez. ESPN does this all the time, and it’s something ESPN’s ombudsman (ombudswoman?) Le Ann Schreiber calls the “ tyranny of the storyline.” I’d explain it a little bit further, but I’d rather have you read her article yourself. It’s really outstanding, and I think she does a great job with it.
5) What?!? What could possibly be wrong with beer, you ask? Well, it’s not the beer itself. It’s the pervasive nature of their advertising on ESPN. There’s the Budweiser Hot Seat, the Coors Lite 6-Pack of Questions, I half-expect to see the Grey Goose Jello Shot (A sit down with Chris Berman in which you have to take a shot every time he uses a cheesy nickname. You’ll be passed out within five questions. I promise.) There are way too many unnecessary portions of ESPN’s staple program, Sportscenter, including the aforementioned Who’s Now (I can’t stress enough how dumb this part is. The people in the segment don’t even know what Now is, and nobody can explain it to me.) and Budweiser Hot Seat. Just ask questions, don’t make it so contrived. I realize that sponsors are an important part of revenue for a TV network, but it still bothers me that they are so integral to the production of Sportscenter.
6) The last of the six major problems is another one that Schreiber has mentioned in her duties as ombudsman/woman. Again, she lays it out for you better than I can, but I’ll give it a go anyway. I’m assuming people have watched Around the Horn (ATH). This is the epitome of the yelling policy that seems to be in place at ESPN. You’ve got the ignorant Woody Paige, the incompetent Jay Mariotti (and yes, I know some of you would prefer a stronger word than incompetent), and a variety of other long-winded sports “experts” screaming at us for 30 minutes a day. It’s like watching the Sports Reporters, if they were on a trip from some bad mushrooms.
Again, these are just some of the problems that face ESPN, but I only touched on their television problems. They have a slew of other media problems, including ESPN Mobile (worked out great the first time!), and their internet site, which is a whole other question for another time.
A note: Thanks to Jutmsy4, Romiezzo, and MegECass110 for your comments on the original article about ESPN. Special thanks to MegECass110 for writing the original article. They really helped me with this article, and I hope you don't mind that I stole your ideas.
